Nils Kovalevsky

After coming from a tiny, and I mean TINY high school, I gotta say, the transition to a school like Baruch was pretty intense. It was a very different and somewhat intimidating experience. I was used to having personal relationships with guidance counselors and teachers who had a good understanding of who I was after seeing me grow throughout my four years there, and they gave me relevant and good advice that I took consistently. This element of personal connection with superiors is more or less gone now, and I’ve got to fend for myself and make big decisions with real life consequences. It’s scary! I’m not sure what I want to do, who I am, all that stuff, typical lazy young adult. Thankfully, this class has not only helped me develop personal relationships with my colleagues in my LC, but has also given me opportunities to join lots of potentially fun, interesting, and most of all, productive clubs and organizations. I’m definitely going to be using the STARR Career Development Center fairly soon, as that seemed to have not only the most interesting staff, but most directly useful information and help. I don’t feel so alone anymore!

As far as community service goes, I’ve really learned that it’s important to have a motive that goes further than a scholarly requirement, and that it’s okay to do something that can benefit you as long as you’re still helping others. By this I mean that you need to have a legitimate concern and compassionate attitude towards the people that you’re helping, otherwise the magnitude of the service you’re providing is almost void. Merely helping out with things is not enough; people in need are in fact, people, and need and react positively to love. Also, I think that if you are going to perform a community service where you have to cook, learning to cook in order to be prepared is a kind of two birds with one stone deal. I am tired of eating cereal and crappy fruit for breakfast, I want to know how to make myself (and others!) a big hearty breakfast in the morning.

It’s really amazing how lucky we all are. I think about it every day, specifically why I don’t deserve all the good fortune I have. As of right now, I think I’m the definition of wasted potential. I got into this Honors Program at a very prestigious and wonderful business college…and I’m not so sure that I want to go into business.  In fact, I’m pretty certain that I DON’T want to. What a jerk, right? I could have just as easily gone to another school and given someone the opportunity that I have here. Opportunity is the key word here, as I’ve been given so many opportunities throughout my life and I can’t help but think that I’m either wasting it or I don’t deserve it. I guess one of the main things that I can do here as a Baruch Scholar is to succeed and really try to not put anyone’s time, money, or effort to waste. I don’t want people to think of me as a drain, I want people to think that I helped out, that I was part of the solution and not the problem. It’s almost as though guilt is the main driving force that pushes my focus on community service. In my high school, completing 200 hours of community service before graduation was a requirement. I did 250, because I’d feel bad just ditching after I’d done only what I needed to do for myself. I suppose this isn’t the most complex or deep reason for me to be so invested, but I just can’t help it. I hear my friends from other colleges talk about having really serious problems with things like paying for tuition, student loans, crappy schedules, being lonely, things of that nature, and I just feel as though I am so blessed to be here. I don’t have any of those problems! I pay nothing and I have met a group of rad people that I can relate to and converse with whenever I want! Macbooks? Early registration for classes? What the hell did I do to deserve this? It’s all about humility and self-awareness. I mean, don’t get me wrong, when I’m in the lecture hall for business, spacing out at 9 in the morning on a Monday after a night of work, I’ll whine. I’ll complain. I’ll bitch about things like that. I slip up, I’m only human. The main thing, for me at least, is to never lose sight of the fact that every single thing has worked out okay up until this point and that you are here, you have potential to do great things, and it might not last forever. I won’t always be young, I won’t always be (relatively) healthy, I won’t always have the energy or the willpower or the motivation or even the sanity to get out of bed in the morning, so I’m gonna make this count.

I have a hard time dealing with change. I don’t like being forced out of my comfort zone. I grew up sheltered and overprotected, homeschooled for a year, and fundamentally different from most kids in my neighborhood. They were mean, spiteful, and rude. That stuff didn’t fly with me. I stayed away from most kids during these years; I just didn’t bother with them. This initial disgust with the average behavior of my peers was my main motive for being as nice and courteous as I could possibly be. It takes almost no effort at all to be a nice person, and it goes such a long way, so just do it. No questions asked. That’s the way I see it. I got into television, music, and video games, in that order. NOT sports. I tried little league and basketball, cracked under pressure, hated competition, was too fat, cried, and quit. I took one guitar lesson and gave up. I went to archery for about half a year. To be honest, that was actually pretty badass and fun. I have nothing but fond memories of that. I guess I was just lazy, because I quit that too. This lack of ambition has unfortunately followed me into my adult life.

I didn’t make lasting friends until much later in life, around the beginning of high school. Being in the presence of people I could identify with, mostly the juniors and seniors in my school, really helped shape me as a person. I didn’t feel threatened around this group of people; I felt like I was respected, trusted, and treated like an adult around these guys. I didn’t feel like I had to be someone who I wasn’t, which is the greatest thing in the world. We’re social creatures, but we are freaks, too. We’re all in denial of this, for some odd reason. People have odd impulses, people do stupid stuff, and it’s hilarious and fun to embrace this. We did this consistently. This is probably why I’m still friends with most of these people to this day. We’re different people than we were in high school, that’s for sure, but we still see each other every weekend and have a blast. Spending time with close friends is almost therapeutic to me. I think of my inner circle as an extended family. We fight, laugh, and cry, but we are always there for each other. It sounds terribly cliche, but I’ve found people that I’d be comfortable spending the rest of my life with. I know it’s not healthy be done with meeting people, but all I’m saying is that if I didn’t make a single new friend for the rest of my life, I’d still consider myself lucky. That’s how great these guys are.

Music is a huge part of my life. I play drums and guitar, and a lot of my friends do as well. We’ve got some instruments set up in my basement, and I have awesome parents who don’t mind, and even encourage us playing as much as we like. I’m a lucky guy, I recognize this. I hate unappreciative people. I realize every time that I complain about something, things could be SO much worse. This self-awareness is really important to me.

You have to aware of what you are, but it’s even more important to be aware of what you aren’t. I don’t like playing games, I don’t like coming off insincerely. My friends have given me the confidence to be who I am and not be afraid of being judged. The notion of wanting to be liked by people who don’t like you, and I mean YOU, who you really are, is ridiculous. It’s a waste of time. I used to do it, but now I just don’t care. My friends are my safety net. I don’t abuse this, I’m still nice. I don’t bite! I’m usually just too tired to actively seek discussion with new people.

This thing kinda went all over the place, but I like it. I think frantically and in an unorganized manner, that’s just my nature. To be honest, I think I’m a bit of a mess. I need focus and direction in my life. I guess that’s why I’m in college. The first semester is pretty much a test to see if I can handle this amount of responsibility and pressure. In addition to being a full time student, I’m working my first job ever for about 20 hours a week. I’ve never been as tired in my entire life as I have this past month. It’s a crazy feeling, something I’ve never felt before, but the idea that I’m doing something productive every day keeps me going. The idea of progress is an alien idea to me as well, and I’m warming up to it. Again, I’m not good with change. Hopefully I’ll grow up soon, but not too soon. I kinda like being a kid, if I can still call myself that.