It’s hard to know where to start with this essay, because I just love it so much. I love the risks you took and moves you made from draft to revision (and for me, the revision is, in fact, better than the draft). For instance, the section on the sun is radically changed, and it’s just wonderful–maybe my favorite written part of the essay. I think it works so well as the heart, or crux, of the essay because it changes in style–it’s a little more “academic” or straigt-forward language than other parts of the essay, yet you juxtapose that language with the layout of a poem. Really interesting.I feel like the directness of the language helps me settle in to the essay as a piece with a definite meaning and direction but the poetry form keeps it lyrical and unexpected and just a tad off-kilter/confusing, and thus in line with the rest of the essay. Meaning is elusive here, as I think it should be.
I also think the drawings are just PERFECT. The way they make the essay jump off the page, POUNCE almost, but a light soft pounce (more domestic cat than panther) is just perfect. I think you place them well to create and indicate well-placed sections breaks, and they’re beautiful.
I love the repetition in the last paragraph. If you read it out loud, as I did, it sounds wonderful. I think you might take it one time (or maybe two) too far with the repetition of “as if,” but still, it is such great writing, such wonderful rhythm.
I LOVE THIS ESSAY! It’s very unique and I will always remember it.
Cheryl
Thank you so much for everything, really. I will always remember your class because it has changed me so much. And thank you for your feedback, it really means a lot.
May 24th, 2013 at 2:08 pm
Sofia,
It’s hard to know where to start with this essay, because I just love it so much. I love the risks you took and moves you made from draft to revision (and for me, the revision is, in fact, better than the draft). For instance, the section on the sun is radically changed, and it’s just wonderful–maybe my favorite written part of the essay. I think it works so well as the heart, or crux, of the essay because it changes in style–it’s a little more “academic” or straigt-forward language than other parts of the essay, yet you juxtapose that language with the layout of a poem. Really interesting.I feel like the directness of the language helps me settle in to the essay as a piece with a definite meaning and direction but the poetry form keeps it lyrical and unexpected and just a tad off-kilter/confusing, and thus in line with the rest of the essay. Meaning is elusive here, as I think it should be.
I also think the drawings are just PERFECT. The way they make the essay jump off the page, POUNCE almost, but a light soft pounce (more domestic cat than panther) is just perfect. I think you place them well to create and indicate well-placed sections breaks, and they’re beautiful.
I love the repetition in the last paragraph. If you read it out loud, as I did, it sounds wonderful. I think you might take it one time (or maybe two) too far with the repetition of “as if,” but still, it is such great writing, such wonderful rhythm.
I LOVE THIS ESSAY! It’s very unique and I will always remember it.
Cheryl
May 30th, 2013 at 11:41 pm
Thank you so much for everything, really. I will always remember your class because it has changed me so much. And thank you for your feedback, it really means a lot.
Sincerely,
Sofia