essay draft 1
Michelle Polson
English 3680: Essay Draft 1
Dear Reader —
In 1994, I signed a lease to one of several favorite apartments. The same year various national and international agreements were signed. Many more occurred than I have mentioned in the following essay. Correlating such agreements to the much smaller scale of signing a lease, was difficult. However, learning of such agreements was of interest.
One piece of Zinsser advice of interest, discussed in class as well, included that words, are the “tools” of a writer. They should be “used with originality and care…Good writers of prose must be part poet… ” (page 36).
Also, “…develop a respect for words …. And about their shades of meaning…”. (page 32).
Rhythm, pattern, sound, uniqueness, length of sentence, etc. should be considered. Sentences should move along at various “gaits”. The order of a sentence can be reversed, the sentence length altered, a unique word substituted, and/or a phrase added, with emotional weight.
I believe I can pay more attention to rhythm, pattern, sentence length, uniqueness of words, etc.; perhaps, all of the above, to achieve better writing.
In 1994, I signed a lease moving into a favorite apartment. It was a great little apartment, sunny and bright, with wood floors and moldings, as well as high ceilings and whitewashed walls. It was an older building; the type no longer built today. Although an older building; both building and apartment appeared fresh and new to me. The high ceilings, moldings and chandelier were special, interesting, and had a beauty of their own.
Located in NYC; a major metropolitan city, my apartment had easy access to all; transportation, such as buses and trains; stores, supermarkets, work, etc. The apartment, fresh and new, although in reality an older building, had easy access to all.
On a much, much smaller scale, it was similar to various national and international agreements and/or contracts signed the same year. Some of those agreements and/or contracts included: nationally, former president Clinton’s State of the Union Address; internationally, NAFTA, as well as the Kremlin Accords. Also given the same year were several Nobel Peace Prizes.
January 25, 1994, Bill Clinton delivered his State of the Union Address calling for health care reform, the ban on assault weapons and welfare reform. Necessary reforms, these reforms were needed by many, and at the very least, to reduce the budget; maintaining the economy, and in effect, the nation; with its prosperous businesses and population.
Fresh and new, but based on an earlier set of laws, these necessary reforms were needed by the economy for some time previously, allowing for, and the hope of, a brighter future in the US.
On an international level, in January, 1994, NAFTA, the North American Free Trade Agreement, was signed. This was an agreement and/or contract between Canada, Mexico and the US, creating a trade bloc between nations. This trade bloc allowed for open trade and equality between countries, and the elimination of tariffs, on particular items. Items such as eggs, corn and meat became tariff-free. With open trade and easier access to goods, such would be amenable to all. All three countries could maintain their independence, yet work together.
January 14, 1994, former president Bill Clinton and Russian president Boris Yeltsin signed the Kremlin Accords, stopping nuclear missiles towards each country’s targets. The Kremlin Accords also provided for dismantling of the nuclear arsenal in the Ukraine. Such actions would hopefully continue in their entirety and allow for a brighter future.
October 1994, Nobel Prizes were given for Physics, Chemistry, Medicine, Literature, Peace and Economics signifying major advancements in these areas. Some of the recipients were Yasser Arafat, Shimon Peres, and Yitzhak Rabin.
My apartment also on a much, much smaller scale was the hope of a bright future; many twists and turns perhaps but bright and forward always.
All agreements and/or contracts and actions were based on previous older systems, situations and laws, and allowed for major advancements and improvements. All would hopefully continue in their entirety, and allow for a brighter future across the globe.
4 responses so far
Dear Michelle,
I really admire how descriptive your writing is, especially the presence, traits and the positions of the objects in your essay. It is very visual and genuine. I really like how you draw parallels between the events and your life, although I think choosing one and focusing on that one event would have made your writing a bit more crisp. I believe “great little” is a great way of using an oxymoron. I like how you accentuate the smallness of your apt. yet giving it a value that is of “great” significance.
“In 1994, I signed a lease moving into a favorite apartment.” I have a little difficulty understanding this sentence. So is this one of several apartments that you inhabited or were on lease with that time of your life? Did you know that it was your favorite the moment or before you moved in to this apt. A little clarity would help. Perhaps it’s just me, but I also have a hard time trying to understand what you really mean to say in this sentence: “Fresh and new, but based on an earlier set of laws, these necessary reforms were needed by the economy for some time previously, allowing for, and the hope of, a brighter future in the US.” Can this be written in more sentences? Or can you omit words and phrases that are unnecessary? Can you make do with less punctuation?
I think you indulge a bit too long in describing the logistics of the events that that your own story gets sidelined. It becomes a reportage with technical terms, which I believe will scare away your readers who are expecting another kind of writing.
Perhaps what I am looking for is a stronger link between your story and the events. For example, this sentence: “This trade bloc allowed for open trade and equality between countries, and the elimination of tariffs, on particular items. Items such as eggs, corn and meat became tariff-free.” So how does it affect you directly? Are eggs, corn and meat something that you use often in your diet, or are you someone who believes that these basic nutrients shouldn’t carry tariffs?
I think there are some punctuation that shouldn’t be there, and some times there is too much of it in a sentence.
Overall I think your story is interesting and wish that you relied more on your descriptive assets than being too focused on explaining the events. I think you have a way with words and there are many moments in your essay where you sound very genuine, I wish to see more of that in your writing. Also, a title for your essay would be nice today.
Dear Michelle,
It was nice learn more about you from this essay.
Your introduction sentence may profit from: Zinsser’s second paragraph on page fifty-five, where he describes techniques for creating compelling lead sentences.
The motifs of new and old; can be enjoyed better if they were worked more creatively within the essay.
For Instance, “All agreements and/or contracts and actions were based on previous older systems, situations and laws, and allowed for major advancements and improvements. All would hopefully continue in their entirety, and allow for a brighter future across the globe.”
This a good example how you cleverly employed the motif of new and old. It would be nice to experience how might use this idea throughout your essay.
Thanks again for sharing your cheerful story.
Jay
Please post essay drafts and cover letters on your own personal blog (which I’ve created a link to from our class blog).
Michelle,
I like the beginning of your draft, I think chosing to start with a description of something is always a win, when your reader gets immersed into your story. Still, I would eliminate the tautology here: “my apartment had easy access to all; transportation, such as buses and trains; stores, supermarkets, work, etc. The apartment, fresh and new, although in reality an older building, had easy access to all.” The beginning and the ending of that sentence seems to be identical. Moreover, I can see redundancy when you speak about transportation. I dont think it is essential to specify what kind of transportation it is close to, because thats what this word implies already (trains and buses). This seemed to me to show the evidence of Zinssers “clutter”.
I dont think it was necessary to give a list of so many events that happened that year, though when I was writing my essay I had the same problem: I named many events and then chose one.
In general, I wish the essay was a bit longer and had a little more content, but overall, good job.