Advanced Essay Writing, Spring 2013

…………………………..I was a member of the latter group: a group which consisted of people who thought it was just a transitional gig before his big break; those who saw this profession as something beneath them; those who always changed the subject when obliged to respond to “what do you do for living?” in front of a bunch of successful former high-school acquaintances. I remember thinking once, “if not for those generous scholarships, my parents would have probably made their worst investment to date.”

 I remember using my order pads more for making personal notes than jotting down orders from the patrons. I remember eavesdropping at a couple’s table sensing infidelity, and listening with awe a meeting between a writer and an editor.  I was learning a lot, but all at the expense of my self-esteem, which found a new bottom every day. Every day as a server, I encountered tiny epiphanies that frustrated me more and liberated me far less.

I felt that there was a disjoint between these two paragraphs–originally written as just one. In the first paragraph I am talking about the serving business in general and what kind of a server I was: you will see a lot of generalizations. And the second paragraph–which originally continued as the first paragraph– has more unique and personal experiences. The first paragraph is more of an exposition and the second is more of an introspection, which is very evident in the excessive use of “I” pronouns.

I tried using the “rhythm and repetition effect” as Callahan did in his essay, “Chimera.” I think that actually did a great job of connecting the two paragraphs. I think the first “I remember” sentence signals the transition from general to peculiar, which is the second paragraph’s tone and voice.

BLOG POST 2.2

Dear Reader,

I rewrote a section of my essay revision, changing several paragraph breaks.

Paragraph breaks were changed with tenses of verbs used, length of sentence, subject of body text, and length of paragraph.

This definitely was more difficult than expected. The following, denotes paragraph sections before and after changes.

I do not know if changes improved writing, but rewriting paragraphs did force me to think and see writing differently.

SECTION OF REVISION; BEFORE

The purpose of NAFTA was to expand trade between the US, Canada, and Mexico. Expanding trade would allow countries to become more competitive as well as strengthen and build businesses. As businesses grew in size and strength, economies; in other words, nations; would also increase in size, strength, and resources.

Trade tripled, and US exports grew by 156%. Gas and food prices were reduced, due to the removal of tariffs. Services such as banking and healthcare quadrupled. However, in spite of this success, there were several costs and setbacks. With manufacturers moving to Mexico to take advantage of reduced labor costs and wages, US jobs were destroyed, and wages were lower in certain areas. Mexican farmers were exploited, and the environment polluted, due to the lower cost of corn and grains. Mexican farmers were forced to farm marginal land and use more fertilizer, causing pollution and deforestation.

Despite these setbacks, NAFTA, was the largest trade agreement in the world and largely successful. All three countries could maintain their independence, yet work together.

A novel agreement in 1994, NAFTA, based on an earlier set of laws, were necessary reforms needed by all three countries for some time previously, allowing for, and the hope of, a brighter future everywhere.

REVISION SECTION REWRITTEN; change of paragraph breaks

The purpose of NAFTA was to expand trade between the US, Canada, and Mexico. Expanding trade would allow countries to become more competitive as well as strengthen and build businesses.

With businesses growing in size and strength, economies; in other words, nations; also would increase in size, strength, and resources.

However, controversy dominated negotiation.

Negotiations, concerning necessary reforms needed for some time previously, by all three countries, did eventually resolve, reaching its conclusion in 1992.

December 17, 1992, leaders in Canada, Mexico, and the US convened, signing NAFTA.

Despite setbacks, NAFTA, the largest trade agreement in the world, was largely successful.

All three countries maintain their independence, yet work together, allowing for, and the hope of, a brighter future everywhere.

Once again, I do not know if changes improved writing, but rewriting paragraphs did force me to think and see writing differently.

I want to be sick.

I want my voice lost from cold, my nose running like the Hudson river. I want my body ache as if I were beaten so severely, all my organs go nuts as if I were injected with strong stimulants.
But my body is different.
I wet it in the rain, in the cold November’s rain, but it still seems to be unbeatable like it’s always. It’s so appreciative toward the rain. Instead of going against rainy weather, my body goes with it. It flowers at the touch of rain. It breaths at rain’s wet smell. I feel relaxed and blooming as nature.
My mind is the sweetheart of my body. It keeps the body romantic and lively.
I enjoy their romance.

And sickness envies their affair.

In this brief new writing, I use six short paragraphs under one section. I was confused at first, thinking how it would sound. But reading it at different times and with several pauses, I found it harmonizing and flowing together from one paragraph to another. I also feel each word is very important in each sentence and stands out alone.
Single line paragraphs, now I think after composing this writing, are very useful in writing about a brief moment that rises all of a sudden but leaves a significant impact if quilted properly. It’s like dreaming, appears for good few seconds but shows a lot. Every word deserves utmost attention. Unlike long paragraphs, where sometimes more important words get lost under the crowd of less important one, short paragraphs hold all words conspicuous and unique.

I wasn’t fast enough.

As I swept up my book-bag onto my back and dashed for the crossing light I saw several shadows moving. That random kid must have been well connected, because one call from him brought a group of his friends over to block my path. One of them pushed me hard enough that I lost all momentum – I stumbled to a stop. Maybe a dozen kids quickly surrounded me, all of them ready for action.

In one second I did several things:

I scanned the group lightning fast for an escape route, and found none.

I began to review what I knew about fighting, but I was never good at that.

All I could think of was one lesson that I learned from years of pointless fights: don’t get knocked off your feet. I thought to myself, if you can hold out long enough for intervention then you will be fine. Just stay on your feet until help arrives.

This entire segment was originally one paragraph, for the sake of making the paper look like two pages instead of three and a half, considering the breaks I wanted to use. At first I wanted to keep the first sentence as the break, to highlight how significant it was for me to have not been able to outrun the situation, but then I decided that other parts of this paragraph could be singled out for their significance as well. I think these breaks would have worked quite well in the original revision if I had used them; the first one-sentence paragraph creates the sense of a climax beginning, while the next few one-sentence paragraphs instills a sense of frozen time. In both regards I hoped to manifest a feeling of urgency in my readers, a goal I think may have been achieved.

                                                                     __________                                                         

               After the month was over we went back home. Things were unpacked, the small packet grandmother gave me was stuffed into a drawer in my room, forgotten. Till a few months later the visitor came back. I was ready physically however unlike last time this time it was for the mental change. The hormonal changes were distorting. I didn’t feel like myself, sad one minute and happy the next.

               I didn’t change from girl to woman at once. For Taiwan’s push at a formal break from China it felt like how I was separating from was my childhood. For Taiwan it was a repeated speech, spoken before but never granted or acknowledged.

                My break wasn’t heard but it was acknowledged because for me I can’t go back. I was being granted, physically, the adult status that I wasn’t ready for. Where Taiwan felt it wasn’t being given the independent it was ready for. That for Taiwan would eventually be a good thing given the rebellious years to follow.

                However my change is permanent, there is no going back. Just glad that along the way I had friends and friendly advice to help with the issues. Sadly, Taiwan still has a long way to go.

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For this I used my final draft of essay one. I did paragraph breaks following a theme indication and shift in time. I had indicated a section break prior to these paragraphs as these were told in a different time and place to the rest of the story. It places paragraphs uner the section break as something different.

After that I broke apart my last paragraph into three different paragraphs. Before it was one giant paragraph making it difficult to read and understand what was being said.

In breaking it up into three small pieces it makes it easier to read. Why I broke them at those sentences were due to change in theme/sentiment of the sentence. I didn’t notice till this blog assignment that I read written this last paragraph with some pattern in every two sentences or so thus why the paragraphs were broken in that order.

I tried leaving this line by itself, “Sadly, Taiwan still has a long way to go.” However it didn’t look or read right so I left it alone.

      I remember squeezing my moms golden chain with a cross in my sweaty hands (they asked me to take it of my neck), how hard it was for me to breathe, how somebody told me to look away, how one of ER doctors was trying to insert the tube by poking me in between my ribs for about fifteen times, how he would go in between my bones with his finger to make some space prior to stabbing me with the tube, I remember hearing my own groans, and it felt like they belonged to someone else. I was only given morphine (a drug almost identical to heroine), which just made me high and did not knock me down. All these doctors manipulations made the cut rip even more, and I felt cold blood running down my torso. After the doctor succeeded in pushing the tube through (which felt like a knife inside of me), his assistant said: “congratulations, your first surgery went well.” Noticing my face full of surprise, the other one hurryingly added: “ah…well… as of today.” I was shocked to realize that I was their ginny pig.

     This is a little story of my big struggle. My life can be divided in two parts: Russia and the USA, or, being more precise, cloudless and worriless existence back home and challenging survival in the alien country. I say “survival” because of many well-known things common to every immigrant, starting with difficulties finding a (decent) job and ending with psychological disorders that can happen to an individual who have been experiencing cultural shock and alienation. We all guess about the difficulties we may face abroad, but some of us don’t know to what extend we will be exposed to them.

I decided to experiment with putting one of the most powerful descriptions of my essay in the very beginning of the story to catch the reader, make him interested and indulged. Inversion could be an interesting device, but I have never written anything this way. Until now, consequence was an unchangeable attribute of my writing. I guess I have a structure or a plan of an essay in my head and unconsciously follow it, but the inverted structure works as well, as I can see now. The whole essay should be a little changed and brushed up after this is done.

Detailed opening of an essay acts just like a feature descriptive or an anecdotal article lead, the only difference here is that the article should follow a structure that should meet the needs of a newspaper, while writing in general should reflect the writer (of course, at the same time, the writer have to be considerate about the readers interest).

At least I wouldn’t have to be me for much longer. It would be over soon enough.

My vision blurry from the tears, I fumbled for the knife I knew was on the floor to my right. Staring at the wall ahead my hand finally brushed against the handle. I picked it up slowly and pressed the blade against my left wrist, eyes never leaving the wall. As it touched my skin I got a chill felt the weight of the knife.

Was it always this heavy?

This was it. One swift motion and that would be it. It would be over. Just like that. But my hand wouldn’t move.

I couldn’t do it.

Originally this was one paragraph and reading it over as I tried different section and paragraph breaks I realized it sounded somewhat clunky and didn’t flow well. I think it works better like this because it is composed of mostly shorter sentences that get to the point with the exception of the second paragraph where the sentences were a bit longer. I’m not entirely sure if this works better but I think it does because I was trying to convey a though process and thoughts jump around and so having the breaks there makes it more effective.

Earlier that month, Jazz singer Ella Fitzgerald passed away, and my siblings and I were forced to listen to her tracks non-stop for almost 3 weeks. My victory signaled the end of the grieving period. As we sang along to MJ’s Bad, Mom glanced back at me smirked and winked; this was the going to be the story of the summer.

Joy.

The next year as I was gathering my gear for the first practice of the season, my dad says “go get the laces out of Ella, they’re good luck” it took me a minute to realize that he had nicknamed my old blades.  Eyeballs rolling in the back of my head I ran and got the laces, it was going to be a long day.

Pain.

Explanation: I broke my last paragraph into 4 sections to emphasize the different shifts in tone and time. The first break has a light informative tone followed by a one word paragraph that plays on that vibe. I did the same for the next two breaks which is shifts the time frame to the following year and expresses an opposite tone then than the beginning breaks. I think this works because by using shorts paragraphs I am allotting the reader the chance to pause and reflect on what the reading is describing while answering the who, what, when’s.

A huge lump started to form in my throat as I kept swallowing back the tears. My eyes began to water and I kept looking up hoping this overwhelming feeling would go back to where it came from. But I had to keep it together, especially in a lecture filled with more than 100 students.I had suddenly become paranoid, feeling as though everyone’s eyes were on me.

I was surrounded.

Out of 100 students, I had become the center of the lecture. The professor’s voice slowly faded, and began to sound as if I were under water. Suddenly, my silence was the loudest noise in the room. My next thought was to run out.

And that I did.

I raced down the hall, into the elevator, and out of the school with a million thoughts in my head. Every corner was a dead end. He was everywhere. He was in my head. I was running around in circles. I couldn’t process what I had just read. The only person I could think to call was my mom. I could not bring the words to come out of my mouth. I trembled and as I could finally form some sort of sound, the wind had hit my face, and I stood perfectly still as it all started to become clear.

I broke.

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This was one paragraph and I broke it up into six smaller paragraphs. I divided this one paragraph by smaller paragraphs in which each speaks of a specific moment in that one moment. I then took the last sentence of each of those paragraphs, which were no more than four words to create a greater impact. I feel that this works because there was so much going on in one paragraph. There is a lot of actions, emotions, and thoughts and my points may of not gotten across because it was jam-packed into one section. By separating each action, they become their own story and the reader gets a clearer image of the emotions and thoughts that went through my mind.

I like the 2-4 word paragraphs because in this instance, less is more. These words seem powerful enough to be on their own. Their impact is more effective and really gives the reader a sense of closure when reading a full paragraph of strong emotions. It creates a better flow throughout the essay.

Later that night, B fell off the roof.

She had taken what was rumored to be molly. Everyone panicked, as we raced to the tiny cramped up room between the kitchen and the living room. Her face that night, I may never forget; it was the palest of white, as she violently shook.

K, being the medical student of the group, took the reigns on the situation. She sat B down on a chair, placed her feet on another, and began patiently questioning B. I wasn’t around to hear the questions or the answers because K asked all of us to leave the room.

I was livid about the hypocrisy of it all. Why would she take the poison that ruined her family and took away her childhood?

It was a childish thought on my part.

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In my revised draft, the first three paragraphs were one, and I did not write the last two sentences. I think that splitting it up makes it flow better in a way; it goes from what I witnessed B doing, and then how K helped B, and then how I looked at the whole thing. I also feel that beginning and ending with one sentence paragraphs makes it more succinct and adds to the meaning of my words. I chose to leave out my thoughts about being livid from my revision because I felt it was taking away from being an outside perspective looking in- and not really being a part of the situation. But looking at it now, I see it could have been effective, in that not only were K’s and B’s stories intertwining, but watching this happen, their stories became a part of mine. However, on its own these paragraph breaks may work well, but I am not sure they would be as effective if inserted into my revision, and looked at as a part of the whole of my draft.