Advanced Essay Writing, Spring 2013

Originally, I kept these two paragraphs together, but I realized that once they were divided into two it makes the essay flow better. Dividing up the long paragraph on the first page creates more of both literal and figurative space. It seems to lengthen the amount of time throughout the distress by leaving that detail as the end note of a paragraph. Then the perspective immediately pulls back to what transpired consistently throughout the day. Also, they happen to flow well together because both the last sentence of the first paragraph and the first sentence of the second paragraph deal with the same issue in a different way.

Original:

…Instantaneously, after removing my lips from his skin, I began to tear. The mangled distress slowly began to swell exponentially. That day and only on that day, I cried continuously. I could not stop. My duress was incredibly loud, but for some reason it did not seem disruptive to anyone else in the church…

Change:

…I felt an immediate overwhelming uncharacteristic upheaval of sorrow, which I had never experienced. Instantaneously, after removing my lips from his skin, I began to tear. The mangled distress slowly began to swell exponentially.

That day and only on that day, I cried continuously. I could not stop. My duress was incredibly loud, but for some reason it did not seem disruptive to anyone else in the church…

“A professional student?  We had one of you in the family before,” she said, her piercing blue eyes fading quickly from the present, back to somewhere less cloudy.

I smiled as the brogue slipped off of her tongue and brought me back to the cloudy skies and cobblestoned streets she was remembering from her childhood.  The scent of her lavender hand lotion rises into the air as she grips her cup of English tea, hands shaking ever so slightly.  She returns my smile.

“Yes Grandma, I know,” I reply, swallowing back tears and turning away.

—

Just a few years earlier, we had walked those streets together, snapping pictures of my younger brother in front of statues of famous soccer figures and popping into the occasional pub for a mid-afternoon shandy.  Our apartment for the week provided views of bright red double-decker buses flying down the main street on the wrong side of the line; further outside, the early morning fog rose over the River Mersey, leaving what lay beyond the shoreline a complete mystery.

This was the first time it happened.

“Where are we?” she asked, looking around with genuine concern and confusion.

 

This is an excerpt from my second essay.  One major break that I used in this passage is the section break, indicated with the double dashed line.  This break makes it clear that there is a change in both time and place, with the first sentence of the second section leading the reader to recognize that this is a flashback section and that I am writing the rest of the essay in the present tense.

A second strategy that I used in the second section was a one sentence paragraph: “This was the first time it happened”.  This is different from the single paragraph quotes because it is not simply dialogue, but a clear statement.  It is a phrase that is important for the reader to recognize and a style that I plan on repeating throughout the rest of the piece.

…………………………..I was a member of the latter group: a group which consisted of people who thought it was just a transitional gig before his big break; those who saw this profession as something beneath them; those who always changed the subject when obliged to respond to “what do you do for living?” in front of a bunch of successful former high-school acquaintances. I remember thinking once, “if not for those generous scholarships, my parents would have probably made their worst investment to date.”

 I remember using my order pads more for making personal notes than jotting down orders from the patrons. I remember eavesdropping at a couple’s table sensing infidelity, and listening with awe a meeting between a writer and an editor.  I was learning a lot, but all at the expense of my self-esteem, which found a new bottom every day. Every day as a server, I encountered tiny epiphanies that frustrated me more and liberated me far less.

I felt that there was a disjoint between these two paragraphs–originally written as just one. In the first paragraph I am talking about the serving business in general and what kind of a server I was: you will see a lot of generalizations. And the second paragraph–which originally continued as the first paragraph– has more unique and personal experiences. The first paragraph is more of an exposition and the second is more of an introspection, which is very evident in the excessive use of “I” pronouns.

I tried using the “rhythm and repetition effect” as Callahan did in his essay, “Chimera.” I think that actually did a great job of connecting the two paragraphs. I think the first “I remember” sentence signals the transition from general to peculiar, which is the second paragraph’s tone and voice.

I wasn’t fast enough.

As I swept up my book-bag onto my back and dashed for the crossing light I saw several shadows moving. That random kid must have been well connected, because one call from him brought a group of his friends over to block my path. One of them pushed me hard enough that I lost all momentum – I stumbled to a stop. Maybe a dozen kids quickly surrounded me, all of them ready for action.

In one second I did several things:

I scanned the group lightning fast for an escape route, and found none.

I began to review what I knew about fighting, but I was never good at that.

All I could think of was one lesson that I learned from years of pointless fights: don’t get knocked off your feet. I thought to myself, if you can hold out long enough for intervention then you will be fine. Just stay on your feet until help arrives.

This entire segment was originally one paragraph, for the sake of making the paper look like two pages instead of three and a half, considering the breaks I wanted to use. At first I wanted to keep the first sentence as the break, to highlight how significant it was for me to have not been able to outrun the situation, but then I decided that other parts of this paragraph could be singled out for their significance as well. I think these breaks would have worked quite well in the original revision if I had used them; the first one-sentence paragraph creates the sense of a climax beginning, while the next few one-sentence paragraphs instills a sense of frozen time. In both regards I hoped to manifest a feeling of urgency in my readers, a goal I think may have been achieved.

      I remember squeezing my moms golden chain with a cross in my sweaty hands (they asked me to take it of my neck), how hard it was for me to breathe, how somebody told me to look away, how one of ER doctors was trying to insert the tube by poking me in between my ribs for about fifteen times, how he would go in between my bones with his finger to make some space prior to stabbing me with the tube, I remember hearing my own groans, and it felt like they belonged to someone else. I was only given morphine (a drug almost identical to heroine), which just made me high and did not knock me down. All these doctors manipulations made the cut rip even more, and I felt cold blood running down my torso. After the doctor succeeded in pushing the tube through (which felt like a knife inside of me), his assistant said: “congratulations, your first surgery went well.” Noticing my face full of surprise, the other one hurryingly added: “ah…well… as of today.” I was shocked to realize that I was their ginny pig.

     This is a little story of my big struggle. My life can be divided in two parts: Russia and the USA, or, being more precise, cloudless and worriless existence back home and challenging survival in the alien country. I say “survival” because of many well-known things common to every immigrant, starting with difficulties finding a (decent) job and ending with psychological disorders that can happen to an individual who have been experiencing cultural shock and alienation. We all guess about the difficulties we may face abroad, but some of us don’t know to what extend we will be exposed to them.

I decided to experiment with putting one of the most powerful descriptions of my essay in the very beginning of the story to catch the reader, make him interested and indulged. Inversion could be an interesting device, but I have never written anything this way. Until now, consequence was an unchangeable attribute of my writing. I guess I have a structure or a plan of an essay in my head and unconsciously follow it, but the inverted structure works as well, as I can see now. The whole essay should be a little changed and brushed up after this is done.

Detailed opening of an essay acts just like a feature descriptive or an anecdotal article lead, the only difference here is that the article should follow a structure that should meet the needs of a newspaper, while writing in general should reflect the writer (of course, at the same time, the writer have to be considerate about the readers interest).

At least I wouldn’t have to be me for much longer. It would be over soon enough.

My vision blurry from the tears, I fumbled for the knife I knew was on the floor to my right. Staring at the wall ahead my hand finally brushed against the handle. I picked it up slowly and pressed the blade against my left wrist, eyes never leaving the wall. As it touched my skin I got a chill felt the weight of the knife.

Was it always this heavy?

This was it. One swift motion and that would be it. It would be over. Just like that. But my hand wouldn’t move.

I couldn’t do it.

Originally this was one paragraph and reading it over as I tried different section and paragraph breaks I realized it sounded somewhat clunky and didn’t flow well. I think it works better like this because it is composed of mostly shorter sentences that get to the point with the exception of the second paragraph where the sentences were a bit longer. I’m not entirely sure if this works better but I think it does because I was trying to convey a though process and thoughts jump around and so having the breaks there makes it more effective.

A huge lump started to form in my throat as I kept swallowing back the tears. My eyes began to water and I kept looking up hoping this overwhelming feeling would go back to where it came from. But I had to keep it together, especially in a lecture filled with more than 100 students.I had suddenly become paranoid, feeling as though everyone’s eyes were on me.

I was surrounded.

Out of 100 students, I had become the center of the lecture. The professor’s voice slowly faded, and began to sound as if I were under water. Suddenly, my silence was the loudest noise in the room. My next thought was to run out.

And that I did.

I raced down the hall, into the elevator, and out of the school with a million thoughts in my head. Every corner was a dead end. He was everywhere. He was in my head. I was running around in circles. I couldn’t process what I had just read. The only person I could think to call was my mom. I could not bring the words to come out of my mouth. I trembled and as I could finally form some sort of sound, the wind had hit my face, and I stood perfectly still as it all started to become clear.

I broke.

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This was one paragraph and I broke it up into six smaller paragraphs. I divided this one paragraph by smaller paragraphs in which each speaks of a specific moment in that one moment. I then took the last sentence of each of those paragraphs, which were no more than four words to create a greater impact. I feel that this works because there was so much going on in one paragraph. There is a lot of actions, emotions, and thoughts and my points may of not gotten across because it was jam-packed into one section. By separating each action, they become their own story and the reader gets a clearer image of the emotions and thoughts that went through my mind.

I like the 2-4 word paragraphs because in this instance, less is more. These words seem powerful enough to be on their own. Their impact is more effective and really gives the reader a sense of closure when reading a full paragraph of strong emotions. It creates a better flow throughout the essay.

Later that night, B fell off the roof.

She had taken what was rumored to be molly. Everyone panicked, as we raced to the tiny cramped up room between the kitchen and the living room. Her face that night, I may never forget; it was the palest of white, as she violently shook.

K, being the medical student of the group, took the reigns on the situation. She sat B down on a chair, placed her feet on another, and began patiently questioning B. I wasn’t around to hear the questions or the answers because K asked all of us to leave the room.

I was livid about the hypocrisy of it all. Why would she take the poison that ruined her family and took away her childhood?

It was a childish thought on my part.

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In my revised draft, the first three paragraphs were one, and I did not write the last two sentences. I think that splitting it up makes it flow better in a way; it goes from what I witnessed B doing, and then how K helped B, and then how I looked at the whole thing. I also feel that beginning and ending with one sentence paragraphs makes it more succinct and adds to the meaning of my words. I chose to leave out my thoughts about being livid from my revision because I felt it was taking away from being an outside perspective looking in- and not really being a part of the situation. But looking at it now, I see it could have been effective, in that not only were K’s and B’s stories intertwining, but watching this happen, their stories became a part of mine. However, on its own these paragraph breaks may work well, but I am not sure they would be as effective if inserted into my revision, and looked at as a part of the whole of my draft.