Advanced Essay Writing, Spring 2013

I want to be sick.

I want my voice lost from cold, my nose running like the Hudson river. I want my body ache as if I were beaten so severely, all my organs go nuts as if I were injected with strong stimulants.
But my body is different.
I wet it in the rain, in the cold November’s rain, but it still seems to be unbeatable like it’s always. It’s so appreciative toward the rain. Instead of going against rainy weather, my body goes with it. It flowers at the touch of rain. It breaths at rain’s wet smell. I feel relaxed and blooming as nature.
My mind is the sweetheart of my body. It keeps the body romantic and lively.
I enjoy their romance.

And sickness envies their affair.

In this brief new writing, I use six short paragraphs under one section. I was confused at first, thinking how it would sound. But reading it at different times and with several pauses, I found it harmonizing and flowing together from one paragraph to another. I also feel each word is very important in each sentence and stands out alone.
Single line paragraphs, now I think after composing this writing, are very useful in writing about a brief moment that rises all of a sudden but leaves a significant impact if quilted properly. It’s like dreaming, appears for good few seconds but shows a lot. Every word deserves utmost attention. Unlike long paragraphs, where sometimes more important words get lost under the crowd of less important one, short paragraphs hold all words conspicuous and unique.

I wasn’t fast enough.

As I swept up my book-bag onto my back and dashed for the crossing light I saw several shadows moving. That random kid must have been well connected, because one call from him brought a group of his friends over to block my path. One of them pushed me hard enough that I lost all momentum – I stumbled to a stop. Maybe a dozen kids quickly surrounded me, all of them ready for action.

In one second I did several things:

I scanned the group lightning fast for an escape route, and found none.

I began to review what I knew about fighting, but I was never good at that.

All I could think of was one lesson that I learned from years of pointless fights: don’t get knocked off your feet. I thought to myself, if you can hold out long enough for intervention then you will be fine. Just stay on your feet until help arrives.

This entire segment was originally one paragraph, for the sake of making the paper look like two pages instead of three and a half, considering the breaks I wanted to use. At first I wanted to keep the first sentence as the break, to highlight how significant it was for me to have not been able to outrun the situation, but then I decided that other parts of this paragraph could be singled out for their significance as well. I think these breaks would have worked quite well in the original revision if I had used them; the first one-sentence paragraph creates the sense of a climax beginning, while the next few one-sentence paragraphs instills a sense of frozen time. In both regards I hoped to manifest a feeling of urgency in my readers, a goal I think may have been achieved.

                                                                     __________                                                         

               After the month was over we went back home. Things were unpacked, the small packet grandmother gave me was stuffed into a drawer in my room, forgotten. Till a few months later the visitor came back. I was ready physically however unlike last time this time it was for the mental change. The hormonal changes were distorting. I didn’t feel like myself, sad one minute and happy the next.

               I didn’t change from girl to woman at once. For Taiwan’s push at a formal break from China it felt like how I was separating from was my childhood. For Taiwan it was a repeated speech, spoken before but never granted or acknowledged.

                My break wasn’t heard but it was acknowledged because for me I can’t go back. I was being granted, physically, the adult status that I wasn’t ready for. Where Taiwan felt it wasn’t being given the independent it was ready for. That for Taiwan would eventually be a good thing given the rebellious years to follow.

                However my change is permanent, there is no going back. Just glad that along the way I had friends and friendly advice to help with the issues. Sadly, Taiwan still has a long way to go.

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For this I used my final draft of essay one. I did paragraph breaks following a theme indication and shift in time. I had indicated a section break prior to these paragraphs as these were told in a different time and place to the rest of the story. It places paragraphs uner the section break as something different.

After that I broke apart my last paragraph into three different paragraphs. Before it was one giant paragraph making it difficult to read and understand what was being said.

In breaking it up into three small pieces it makes it easier to read. Why I broke them at those sentences were due to change in theme/sentiment of the sentence. I didn’t notice till this blog assignment that I read written this last paragraph with some pattern in every two sentences or so thus why the paragraphs were broken in that order.

I tried leaving this line by itself, “Sadly, Taiwan still has a long way to go.” However it didn’t look or read right so I left it alone.

      I remember squeezing my moms golden chain with a cross in my sweaty hands (they asked me to take it of my neck), how hard it was for me to breathe, how somebody told me to look away, how one of ER doctors was trying to insert the tube by poking me in between my ribs for about fifteen times, how he would go in between my bones with his finger to make some space prior to stabbing me with the tube, I remember hearing my own groans, and it felt like they belonged to someone else. I was only given morphine (a drug almost identical to heroine), which just made me high and did not knock me down. All these doctors manipulations made the cut rip even more, and I felt cold blood running down my torso. After the doctor succeeded in pushing the tube through (which felt like a knife inside of me), his assistant said: “congratulations, your first surgery went well.” Noticing my face full of surprise, the other one hurryingly added: “ah…well… as of today.” I was shocked to realize that I was their ginny pig.

     This is a little story of my big struggle. My life can be divided in two parts: Russia and the USA, or, being more precise, cloudless and worriless existence back home and challenging survival in the alien country. I say “survival” because of many well-known things common to every immigrant, starting with difficulties finding a (decent) job and ending with psychological disorders that can happen to an individual who have been experiencing cultural shock and alienation. We all guess about the difficulties we may face abroad, but some of us don’t know to what extend we will be exposed to them.

I decided to experiment with putting one of the most powerful descriptions of my essay in the very beginning of the story to catch the reader, make him interested and indulged. Inversion could be an interesting device, but I have never written anything this way. Until now, consequence was an unchangeable attribute of my writing. I guess I have a structure or a plan of an essay in my head and unconsciously follow it, but the inverted structure works as well, as I can see now. The whole essay should be a little changed and brushed up after this is done.

Detailed opening of an essay acts just like a feature descriptive or an anecdotal article lead, the only difference here is that the article should follow a structure that should meet the needs of a newspaper, while writing in general should reflect the writer (of course, at the same time, the writer have to be considerate about the readers interest).

At least I wouldn’t have to be me for much longer. It would be over soon enough.

My vision blurry from the tears, I fumbled for the knife I knew was on the floor to my right. Staring at the wall ahead my hand finally brushed against the handle. I picked it up slowly and pressed the blade against my left wrist, eyes never leaving the wall. As it touched my skin I got a chill felt the weight of the knife.

Was it always this heavy?

This was it. One swift motion and that would be it. It would be over. Just like that. But my hand wouldn’t move.

I couldn’t do it.

Originally this was one paragraph and reading it over as I tried different section and paragraph breaks I realized it sounded somewhat clunky and didn’t flow well. I think it works better like this because it is composed of mostly shorter sentences that get to the point with the exception of the second paragraph where the sentences were a bit longer. I’m not entirely sure if this works better but I think it does because I was trying to convey a though process and thoughts jump around and so having the breaks there makes it more effective.

Earlier that month, Jazz singer Ella Fitzgerald passed away, and my siblings and I were forced to listen to her tracks non-stop for almost 3 weeks. My victory signaled the end of the grieving period. As we sang along to MJ’s Bad, Mom glanced back at me smirked and winked; this was the going to be the story of the summer.

Joy.

The next year as I was gathering my gear for the first practice of the season, my dad says “go get the laces out of Ella, they’re good luck” it took me a minute to realize that he had nicknamed my old blades.  Eyeballs rolling in the back of my head I ran and got the laces, it was going to be a long day.

Pain.

Explanation: I broke my last paragraph into 4 sections to emphasize the different shifts in tone and time. The first break has a light informative tone followed by a one word paragraph that plays on that vibe. I did the same for the next two breaks which is shifts the time frame to the following year and expresses an opposite tone then than the beginning breaks. I think this works because by using shorts paragraphs I am allotting the reader the chance to pause and reflect on what the reading is describing while answering the who, what, when’s.

A huge lump started to form in my throat as I kept swallowing back the tears. My eyes began to water and I kept looking up hoping this overwhelming feeling would go back to where it came from. But I had to keep it together, especially in a lecture filled with more than 100 students.I had suddenly become paranoid, feeling as though everyone’s eyes were on me.

I was surrounded.

Out of 100 students, I had become the center of the lecture. The professor’s voice slowly faded, and began to sound as if I were under water. Suddenly, my silence was the loudest noise in the room. My next thought was to run out.

And that I did.

I raced down the hall, into the elevator, and out of the school with a million thoughts in my head. Every corner was a dead end. He was everywhere. He was in my head. I was running around in circles. I couldn’t process what I had just read. The only person I could think to call was my mom. I could not bring the words to come out of my mouth. I trembled and as I could finally form some sort of sound, the wind had hit my face, and I stood perfectly still as it all started to become clear.

I broke.

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This was one paragraph and I broke it up into six smaller paragraphs. I divided this one paragraph by smaller paragraphs in which each speaks of a specific moment in that one moment. I then took the last sentence of each of those paragraphs, which were no more than four words to create a greater impact. I feel that this works because there was so much going on in one paragraph. There is a lot of actions, emotions, and thoughts and my points may of not gotten across because it was jam-packed into one section. By separating each action, they become their own story and the reader gets a clearer image of the emotions and thoughts that went through my mind.

I like the 2-4 word paragraphs because in this instance, less is more. These words seem powerful enough to be on their own. Their impact is more effective and really gives the reader a sense of closure when reading a full paragraph of strong emotions. It creates a better flow throughout the essay.

Later that night, B fell off the roof.

She had taken what was rumored to be molly. Everyone panicked, as we raced to the tiny cramped up room between the kitchen and the living room. Her face that night, I may never forget; it was the palest of white, as she violently shook.

K, being the medical student of the group, took the reigns on the situation. She sat B down on a chair, placed her feet on another, and began patiently questioning B. I wasn’t around to hear the questions or the answers because K asked all of us to leave the room.

I was livid about the hypocrisy of it all. Why would she take the poison that ruined her family and took away her childhood?

It was a childish thought on my part.

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In my revised draft, the first three paragraphs were one, and I did not write the last two sentences. I think that splitting it up makes it flow better in a way; it goes from what I witnessed B doing, and then how K helped B, and then how I looked at the whole thing. I also feel that beginning and ending with one sentence paragraphs makes it more succinct and adds to the meaning of my words. I chose to leave out my thoughts about being livid from my revision because I felt it was taking away from being an outside perspective looking in- and not really being a part of the situation. But looking at it now, I see it could have been effective, in that not only were K’s and B’s stories intertwining, but watching this happen, their stories became a part of mine. However, on its own these paragraph breaks may work well, but I am not sure they would be as effective if inserted into my revision, and looked at as a part of the whole of my draft.

Excerpt:

After fifty minutes of spacing out and worrying about this paper, the bell rang and I practically ran straight to my teacher. I wanted to understand why he didn’t like my essay. This one grade was already beginning to make me doubt my talent as a writer. In fact, I was heart-broken.

I was worried that maybe I wasn’t as good a writer as I always thought.

Was I only fooling myself?

***

We sat down to talk after class, and I was relieved to see that his human side was still there. The chalkboard was crammed with notes from that day’s class, and on his desk sat a battered copy of The Fountainhead, his sheet of notes and a messy pile of extra handouts. He gestured for me to hand him my paper and I relaxed a little, but I was still worried. He made space on his desk and then browsed through my essay as if to re-familiarize himself with it. These were his first words: “I could that tell you worked really hard on this. It’s definitely well-written, no punctuation or spelling errors, and that’s great. But, my concern is, when you’re describing humans, you’re not digging deep enough.”

I nodded and allowed him to continue, expecting this to be a one-way conversation. But to my surprise, he said: “Forget about this paper for a minute and tell me, in your own words, what you think it means to be a human being.”

In this example I actually included a section break and three paragraph breaks. The portion above the asterisks were originally one paragraph, and the portion beneath was also one long paragraph. But after playing around with paragraph and section breaks, I think I found something that works. The breaks are definitely effective because I feel like it changes the rhythm of the piece and how it’s read. I went for a section break between the end of my class and the meeting with my teacher, because it would tell the reader that I’m going into a new phase or a new direction.

The one line paragraphs that I made places a lot more emphasis on those simple sentences, and it reads better in my opinion. Readers now have a brief moment to ponder how I’m feeling before they get to the next event. And after I quoted my teacher at the beginning of the meeting, I made another paragraph break for a clear transition to my reaction. I think readers would be less inclined to rush through the paragraph if it’s structured this way.

I chose Ruthan Robson’s creative nonfiction piece titled “Notes From a Difficult Case” to focus on for this blog post. The powerful nature of the subject matter and the methodical style of her writing (perhaps related to her role as a CUNY Law professor) was gripping. In my opinion, the most effective paragraph break is the second one in middle of page 232:

I weighed less than one hundred pounds and was so thin it hurt to sit on a chair. I had fevers that clawed at my bones. I was so weak I crawled down the hallway to the bathroom. I lost all my hair, even those sweet little hairs on my toes. 

This paragraph break struck me as the most moving in what is a heart-rending story. Robson closes the previous paragraph with “Pain and suffering are incalculable.” Yet what she does in the paragraph that follows is vividly describe to the reader the brutal physical and mental toll. These four sentences paint a grim picture that the reader can’t escape from; one can’t skim over this passage to move on to the next part of the story. She strategically breaks the paragraph after listing all of the ill effects, allowing the reader to truly absorb the gravity of the situation.