Love
Love always seemed comfortable to me.
Like that warming sensation, you get staying in on those rainy days,
Separate from the people and pavement, I was afraid of how I’d sink,
Sink into a binding version of myself, I was afraid of love,
Love always seemed limited to me.
As if now that you’re in love… you have a contract to follow,
But as the days have swiftly gone by,
the concept of love has reemerged.
Now love takes a brand new face,
It greets me with endless possibilities and change,
It so gently embraces all my fears, and let’s go …
Love becomes promising now, not controlling,
It welcomes all my deepest disregards and transforms them,
It evolves my past thinking and broadens my mind.
Love has been reborn as my beacon of hope.
Metacognition:
I never knew how much of a big fan I was of James Baldwin up until my first exposure to him in class. It felt like the opinions I’ve ever had on love or other abstract concepts were finally articulated and transformed into one tangible piece of work. In “The Fire Next Time,” by James Baldwin, he frames love as a symbol for unity amongst the people, he preached that this will ultimately be the force to achieve a peaceful and utopian America. However, one of the main aspects of his reasoning that intrigued me is that he states love is the only tool for liberation in America because it pushes human beings to become introspective and engage with their hidden vulnerabilities so that they may overcome them. There is one quote specifically that relates to this philosophy and it says “Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. I use the word ‘love’ here not merely in the personal sense but as a state of being, or a state of grace – not in the infantile American sense of being made happy but in the touch and universal quest and daring and growth.” In this quote, James Baldwin was able to shift my traditional and naive sense of love. Originally, love was nothing but a concept that will effortlessly bring only happiness and satisfaction in life, which I know now can be far from the truth at times.
Career Love:
“Every Negro boy- who in my situation during those years at least – who reaches this point realizes at once, profoundly, because he wants to live, that he stands in great peril and must find, with speed, a “thing,” a gimmick, to lift him out, to start him on his way.” – James Baldwin
My deeper understanding of love was rooted in this quote, I was especially fond of the urgency that James Baldwin makes this search for a gimmick sound like. As a child, I always worried I would soon fade with all things that pass with time if I could not find a way to leave my legacy on the world. Driven by this sense of urgency, I would consistently put myself down for not being able to find one of my “gimmicks.” It was this internal fear of failure and being forgotten that might’ve pushed me to engage in activities I did not fully enjoy because I felt forced to find an outlet that was the most efficient to reach people and leave a mark on this world. This fear that James Baldwin so eloquently connects to love evidently got in the way of my love for my passions, which adheres to his philosophy. Instead, these passions only had face value and were superficial, it felt like I had no drive to see it out through the end. In the past, I doubted myself and my abilities to complete this degree to the end because I was afraid I’d soon become tired of it and my motivation would soon be; obsolete. These feelings were only amplified as my graduate school application deadline approached, and my current passion for psychology and attaining a P.h.D. in Clinical Psychology were constantly tested. It felt like I should have approached certain assignments, classes, and opportunities differently, and that my failure to do so predicts my continual failure to learn from these mistakes. After reading this novel and discussing it thoroughly with our class, I’ve found great consolation in my love for psychology, my reasons for this career goal shifted and I saw it as a necessity for my spirit to continue on this path. I was able to rethink the reasons why this “gimmick” sets me apart from others. As James Baldwin would hope, I realized that this gimmick pushes me to spread love to the world because in my motivation and striving to help people, I find happiness. I also separate myself from stereotypes and views of minority women in NYC by striving for this goal and not falling into typical labels and social categories that are used to distract people and withhold them from their purposes in life. James Baldwin has left a great impact on my relationship with my career and work. He proves to me that there is no greater force, no stronger motivating tactic to accomplish my dreams, other than love.
Romantic Love:
“There are too many things we do not wish to know about ourselves.” – James Baldwin
I see love for its restorative qualities and its embodiment of hope. This was blind to me before my understanding of this text; I could never fully discuss love. I would regard it as distant as a final assignment for a class – still enough time to avoid contemplating it. I could argue that my fear of commitment and love stemmed from the relationship I observed between my parents all my life. I referred to their love as a forced type of love, a simple obligatory coexisting bond they formed. Nowadays, disregarding their love and the questionable actions they would carry out in the name of this, I like to define my own concept of love. I’d like to openly share with you that I’ve recently come to love and care very deeply about a guy and it has caused me to rethink profound characteristics of myself. My own vulnerability was no longer so complex, but instead, I’ve seen that my most genuine moments have been engaging in this vulnerability, a concept I would refer to as a mere weakness in character. I’ve found that I welcome the most change in this time that I evolve, more than in any other moment of my life. It has caused me to drag myself out of my comfort zone, open up about past insecurities, and truly engage with my loved ones and their lives. It even excites me for future changes and helps me maintain an optimistic and hopeful mentality for change and love in my relationships with others. In this rethinking, I loved myself with no bounds and held no grudges against some mistakes I’ve committed in the past. I found a way to love all parts of myself, the pretty and proud ones, and the hidden and neglected ones. Through this acknowledgment, I’m sure James Baldwin would agree I’m able to extend this level of understanding to others, I can now fully love my neighbors as well. During this spring semester, I also attended therapy for the first time in my life, it allowed me to strengthen my ability to create boundaries in order to fully respect myself. I believe James Baldwin preaches this similar type of respect for oneself, he urges us to find ways to satisfy our needs in this world so that in the future we can fully love others but most importantly, trust in our own being so that we can trust our fellow Americans.
Trust
Trust as a one-way contract never seems fair,
Trust as a platonic requisite doesn’t either,
Trust as an obligated sense between partners,
reeks of havoc and challenges when forced.
But…
Trust as a byproduct of love,
Trust as a consequence of compassion,
Trust as an effortless agreement between strangers,
will only bring forth wellness and peace for all parties.
So…
Offer your trust to people,
It isn’t your duty to detect who deserves it,
It isn’t in your power to make them respect it,
All you can do is give some hope,
Hope they’ll be grateful
Hope they’ll reciprocate it,
Hope for what may seem like the impossible,
Because when you hope for this, you acknowledge its intrinsic possibility.
