Essay #3 Draft: Buddhism in Bed Stuy
Dear Reader:
Here is a copy of the first draft of my capstone essay: Buddhism In Bed Stuy.
I apologize for my tardiness in getting the essay posted, but the thing that I have discovered about my own writing process this semester is that it is almost impossible for me to write about something that I don’t care about and that I need to be writing about something that feels extremely present and connected to my current life situation, whatever that may be. The topic of this essay is something that I have been dealing with over the course of my entire life, but have suppressed for so long for a number of reasons. I wanted the basis of the essay to explore the connection that my mother and I have, how there have been extreme positive and negatives and the current state in which I view our relationship: the most important relationship I have ever had in my life, though I struggle with feelings of hatred and guilt towards some of our past experiences.
When I began writing, I realized that the paper was turning into a very “stream of consciousness” kind of essay, which I both love and hate. Iordan and I had been talking about how there is a certain mindset that I have entered when I got my last tattoo by myself. Your mind goes blank for a while and you become super connected to the ink, the needle, the pain; this then translates into thinking about the meaning behind the timeless tattoo ritual, the meaning behind your design and eventually larger and deeper life thoughts than you had originally intended. I just began to reflect and really dig back into some past experiences and emotions that I haven’t touched on in a long time.
A few questions that I have for the reader:
1. Am I trying to cover too much? I know that Cheryl and I had discussed me biting off more than I could chew with my original proposal, and I guess I knew myself well enough to subconsciously recognize that I wasn’t going to stick hard to my original script.
2. What do you like or dislike about the quotes? I would like to go back and incorporate more of my current thoughts and feelings and make how the Buddhist quotes tie into my current feelings more clear.
3. What is your least favorite part of the essay? What seems to be the least connected?
Thank you for reading,
Hutch
Hey Hutch,
Your essay was very moving. I was just wandering if your intended title is “I Am My Mother”? To answer your first question, I think that you do cover a lot, but because it is in snippets its reflective of the time period that you are in now, that we are all in now in the sense that everything happens at once and so quickly that we dont even have time to think or analyze it. Also the way that you have the section breaks and the quotes give the time for the reader to breathe; so although it was too much, I thought it was just right (idk if that makes sense).
To answer your second question, I like the quotes. I think your first quote is perfectly placed and the perfect phrase.
” All things appear and disappear because of the concurrence of causes and conditions.
Nothing ever exists entirely alone; everything is in relation to everything else.”
Its perfect in the sense that you are warning the reader that who you are now is a sum of your experiences, and that one experience caused the next, and thus you are the result: this kind of cause and affect idea. [Maybe I have misinterpreted your intention for this quote, but this is what i thought].
I was wandering if it was your intention to set some of the dialogue on the side, and some of it in the center; and if so why? I thought it was interesting. I like how your put the dialogue on the side, and some of your thoughts as well. If you put it together, and just read the sides, it kind makes sense too ( I think its cool i dont know if you did it consciously, but it stood out to me):
“Isn’t your birthday in October?”
“You’re a love child.”
She stared at me.
Never forget this feeling.
“How did you guys do this for so many years?”
“I had to leave the room.”
“Sometimes I think about what would have happened…”
There were some parts that I was confused by though. Did you get caught using drugs, and your mother punished you for it? Or did I completely misread that? And later on, when you talk about the weekend of binge drinking and being in her arms… was that a soothing moment? Maybe I didn’t read it carefully enough, but those were the moments that as a reader wasn’t sure about.
My favorite line for your essay is: “I had been everything she had ever wanted and she had never asked me about who I was.” It is so simple, and yet complex; and I relate. I really liked this essay, and I am excited to see what you do with it !
Sincerely,
Sofia
Hey Hutch,
I really like your essay, it was great. It’s hard to make a reader really connect to your piece, especially when you do cover as much as you do, but I think you do a great job with that. To answer your first question; I don’t think you cover too much in your essay. At first I thought you might have tried to cover too much with the description of the neighborhood (I actually lived in Middle Village for about 5 years) but I reread it and it flows perfectly into the later parts of the essay which I think is fantastic.
The quotes work very well in your piece. You’ve incorporated them at what seems to be the perfect places and they are well spaced apart so it doesn’t feel cluttered at all. I also really like the structure. The quotes being centered, the dialogue being on the right hand side and sometimes closer to the middle. It works very well visually to provide breaks between the paragraphs that are generally heavy. Had you left the dialogue on the left as it usually is I think it would have made the essay feel much more dense that it does now.
There wasn’t any part I can identify as my least favorite but there was one place where I think the transition isn’t as smooth as it can be:
“I wanted to soak her shirt with tears over break ups and failure, depression and abortions. I wanted to feel the warmth of her arms around me when I figured out something that couldn’t be evaluated on a prestigious rubric or printed on a diploma. I wanted her to accept me as I had become, not as she had imagined me.
There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth;
not going all the way, and not starting.
I sat in the back of my car for hours that day. My beaten Nikes hung inches above the greyed out pavement on Macdonaugh Street, my untied laces swaying softly in the wind. I leafed through the book in my right hand, maneuvering my way through the words as I exhaled the smoke of another Parliament.”
The quote fits well there but I don’t think there is enough actual transition between the two paragraphs around it. It feels somewhat disconnected and forced.
I really like the quote Sofia mentioned as her favorite as well but my favorite is definitely “Sometimes I think about what would have happened…” It’s just so well placed and I found myself glad that you didn’t finish the sentence because everyone has those what if moments and by leaving it trailing off like that you made me start to think about some of mine as I was reading.
I can’t wait to see your final draft.
Thank you,
Iordan
Hutch,
I agree with Sofia, this essay was very moving. For me, I think it was the contrast of it being very dark at times, but ultimately enlightening. There is so much emotion flowing in and out of the page, and as a reader I definitely got a sense of what your life, your mother, your background and your upbgringing really mean to you.
I don’t think you cover too much because the things that you cover work well with one another. Quotes help the essay flow smoothly, and make the essay very poetic.
I especially like
My voice trails off into the sounds of my father’s motown records
reverberating off of the wood panels
of the bar that smells like Kate’s.
Not only because I’m a musician and I’m being biased, but I think it works really well as it contrasts your mother in the surrounding content.
One thing I would change is this sentence: “Letter and numbers turned into words and products that would provide me with the code for the key to every door of opportunity life presented to me”
I think it could be a lot more powerful if cut into two sentences, or if you just rephrased it to have it read more smothly by your readers. There is a lot going on in that sentence, a lot to swallow – it made me pause and have to go back and reread it.
Other than that, I loved this essay. Great work!
-Kris
Wow. I really relate to this essay quite a bit. It’s even dare I say errily creepy how much so. I have a few comments I’ll bring up in class (I hope we have time to get to your essay today) If not I’ll talk to you in person about them.