Ingredients

• Beloved neighborhood pet of your choice (cat or dog)
• Olive oil
• Tomato
• Orange
• Salt
• Trump sneakers
• Trump Bible

1. Gather (abduct) some local ingredients (cats and dogs) from your local neighborhood. I personally recommend Springfield, Ohio
2. Make a phone call to Senator J.D. Vance’s office and report that you are going to be eating your neighbor’s pets
3. Use your Trump brand $200 “crypto gold” sneakers to hit the pavement as hard as you can while you run away from local law enforcement
4. Once you have secured the goods (pets), prepare a knife and cutting board. I want the knife to be the “greatest knife in the history of knives, maybe ever,” and so sharp it could slice cleanly through paper (ballots).
5. Cut the meat (to make it easier to chew). Against the grain or along the grain doesn’t matter here. I just want you to start butchering that pet like you butcher the pronunciation of “Kamala.” All I want to hear is the chop chop chop of stainless steel on the cutting board.
6. Fry the meat with olive oil. Crank that dial on the stove to maximum. The meat should be so carcinogenic you can smell the heat and smoke. It should be burnt so black that it leaves you wondering if it was always black or just “happened to turn black.”
7. At this point, the pet should be so dead it could have risen from the grave and voted for Biden in the 2020 election in Georgia. Throw in tomatoes for sweetness and umami. Also throw tomatoes at the television screen as you watch Trump say, “Well, I have concepts of a plan.”
8. Peel a couple of oranges and spread those slices of orange across the dish for sourness and to celebrate the favorite color of the 45th president of the United States.
9. Add salt until the dish is so salty you would think someone just insulted its crowd sizes.
10. You are basically done! Now it is time for the taste testing. Have a friend for dinner like Hannibal Lecter.
11. Place your hand on your holy and pristine Trump brand Bible as you say a dinnertime prayer. Do not worry, this is not blasphemous or sacrilegious.
12. Serve and enjoy.

This recipe is satirical and based on remarks made during the first Harris-Trump debate. I made references in this recipe to many of the goofy and wacky conspiracy theories promoted by Trump and Vance. The main one was the absurd claim, spread first by J.D. Vance and then by Trump on the debate stage, that Haitian migrants in Springfield, Ohio are eating their neighbors’ pets. When asked for evidence, Vance said that his office had “gotten a lot of calls,” and Trump said he “saw people talking about it on TV.” In reality, officials have stated there is no evidence.

I also made reference to Trump’s comment on Kamala Harris’s race in an interview at National Association of Black Journalists, claiming that Harris had never identified as Black and only recently “happened to turn black.” This is false, and Harris has always identified as Black and South Asian. Another reference was to when Trump falsely claimed that thousands of dead people voted in the 2020 election in Georgia. The significance of these wild comments and conspiracy theories being amplified by the former president is that the country is becoming more divisive and less democratic. Voters are becoming cynical and more distrustful of the other side.

Ingredients:

• Pack of Chicken Breast
• 2 Jars of Alfredo Sauce
• Fettuccini Pasta (or pasta of your choice)
• Cheese (of your choice)
• Onion
• Honey
• Crushed Red Pepper Flakes
• Black Pepper
• Garlic Powder
• Paprika Powder
• Cumin Powder
• Adobo Powder
• Cayenne Pepper Powder
• Old Bay Powder
• Flour
• Eggs
• Himalayan Pink Salt

Steps:

1. Clean your Chicken Breast
2. Season your Chicken with the different powders and honey listed and let it marinate in fridge
3. Season your Flour
4. Coat your Chicken in a egg wash and flour then begin frying
5. Take the Chicken out when it’s gold or browned enough to your liking
6. Let your chicken cool
7. In a separate pot fill with water (a little more than half way)
8. Add a pinch and a half of Pink Salt to your water
9. Add the pasta to the water (break it if you feel like it)
10. Cook the pasta until boiled
11. Once your Chicken is cooled you can begin cutting them into cubes/slices
12. Strain your Pasta from the pot
13. In a separate pot (or the same) fill it with your alfredo sauce and add your extra cheese of choice
14. Once Pasta is strained add to pot of alfredo on low heat
15. Add your diced onions to the pasta
16. Add your Chicken to the the pasta
17. Season your pasta with the powders of your choice (optional; reccomended though)
18. Serve your pasta

Although the recipe is very simple and has nothing to do with my cultural backgrounds I hold this dish very deeply and fondly to my heart. This is mainly due to the fact this was one of my first dishes I learned how to make off the top of my head. In addition I liked updating and changing the recipe the more I found out about different spices and how different food groups correspond with different spices. In the end I like the merging of flavors that were created despite its unorthodox and sporadic manner. This dish is like a comfort meal or a struggle meal. Its also good way to show off my cooking skills to friends without putting in the most effort.

Ingredients:

-2 1/2 cups of water

-1 cup of long grain white rice

-2 cinnamon sticks

-4 cups of milk

-1 cup of sugar

Instructions:

1. Combine the water, rice and cinnamon sticks in a large pot over medium heat
2. Bring to a boil then reduce heat to low, cover, and cook for 15 minutes
3. Stir in the milk and sugar. Bring to a boil again, reduce heat to low, and cook for 25-30 minutes, stirring often until thickened.
4. Serve some in a bowl. It’s best to eat it warm or cold however you prefer.

When I think of this dish it brings me back to my childhood days. When I had absolutely no worries in the world. I would get excited when the cold weather came around because I knew that my mom would start to make my favorite dessert arroz con leche. This dessert holds onto so many memories from when I was a kid that it has me thinking how time really does fly so quick and how I wish I could go back and experience it again but I know that I never will be able too. That these memories are just going to get more and more older and eventually will fade away. Now my mom hasn’t made it in a while and I don’t know if she ever will again.

If I had to pick one meal as my last it would 100% be Paneer Tikka Masala and Garlic Naan. This carefully crafted South Indian classic has been my favorite meal since I remember. My mother would always make it from scratch for my birthday every year. Whenever I go to an Indian restaurant I order it and compare the dish amongst other restaurants. My favorite would have to be from Moghul Express in Edison NJ. It’s Literally the best Indian food in the area.

The steps to make this dish are quite complicated. First, you must make the Paneer, a cottage cheese, from scratch by curdling milk. To do this you need to boil the milk and then pour it into a bowl with yogurt and lime juice, the acid from the lime curdles the milk making the “cheese”, then straining the cheese curds with a cheesecloth. Now shape the cheese into a rectangle because we are going to cut it into cubes later. Your cheese should be strained, shaped, and cubed and now it’s time to pan fry them. Once pan-fried you are done with the Panner. Yay!

Now for the gravy. I actually don’t know exactly how to make it but I’m going to try to explain what I assume it is made with. So first we are going to saute together some garlic, onions, and some Indian spices like I don’t know maybe cardamom and chilli powder. Maybe throw some saffron in there why not? Then add in some tomato paste and simmer on low heat until it becomes a paste. Then we need to blend this paste to make it smooth. Once smoothened you can now add in some heavy cream to make it creamy. And Voila your gravy is done. All you have to do now is mix the Paneer in and there you have it folks. Paneer Tikka Masala.

The Garlic Naan is frozen so just follow the instructions on the packet for heating.

Eggs and Hot dogs

Ingredients:

-cooking oil

-eggs

-hotdog

-salt

-ketchup

Recipe:

First you start by putting a small amount of cooking oil in the pan, then you break two eggs or however much you think is best for you I usually do 2 but hey it’s your choice!! Next you add a bit of salt and cut the hotdogs into small slices and start mixing the egg and hotdog together. You are up to the part where now the egg is turned into scrambled eggs with hotdog. Next you put your full course meal onto a plate grab a spoon or fork whichever utensil you prefer and for me I like eating it with ketchup so I add that on my meal as my final step. Now you get to sit down, put on a good show or movie and enjoy your meal that only took you 5 minutes to make. 

I learned how to make this quick meal growing up and it was honestly my favorite. I would see my mom and grandma make it for me and my cousins and it was just so easy. If I was ever home alone and was hungry I had my meal ready to go and growing up in a hispanic household your best, easy and quick choice of food was hot dog and eggs. You can have it at any time during your day; it doesn’t matter when. You can also choose to eat it alone or with rice, it’s really your own choice. I usually prefer it with rice but trust me having it alone is still good, it’s still a delicious meal. To go with this meal I usually prefer drinking cranberry juice. It’s my favorite but you can choose any drink!

Ever since I was a kid, there was only one holiday that I looked forward to the most. Apart from Halloween and Christmas, of course. In polish it’s called ‘Tłusty Czwartek’. It falls on the last Thursday before Lent. The english translation of this holiday gives a lot of insight on what we do on this holiday, and it’s translation is “Fat Thursday”. Because Lent is usually a time of fasting, Fat Thursday provides us with a last day of feasting until Easter. Every year my mom never fails to make paczki. Paczki are jelly filled doughnuts with powdered sugar on top, and they are so much better than any Dunkin’ doughnut (which is surprising for me to say as I find myself at Dunkin’ a few times a week). You can fill paczki with a variety of things like strawberry jam, Bavarian crème, custard, and my personal favorite, wild rose petal jam.

Paczki are hard to make and take a lot of time to prepare, so I will try to explain it in the best way I can. Here are the things you need to make this delicious dessert:

• 2 1/4 tsp of instant yeast
• 1 cup of whole milk
• 2 egg yolks
• 1/4 cup white sugar
• 1/2 tsp of vanilla
• 2 Tbsp of melted butter
• 1/2 tsp of salt
• 3 cups of all-purpose flour
• Oil (for frying purposes)
• Powdered sugar
• Filling of your choice (in this case it’s wild rose petal jam)

To start you will need to heat the milk in a small pan until it is steaming with small bubbles that form around the edges. Remove it from the heat and let it cool until it is lukewarm. These steps are crucial to not kill the yeast. In a bowl of a stand mixer (large bowl is fine too), dissolve the yeast in the milk and leave it for 5 minutes. After the 5 minutes, add 1 cup of flour. Mix together and leave it alone for 20-30 minutes, so it’s really bubbly. While waiting for that, beat the yolks in a separate bowl until it is light and fluffy. To your yeast mixture, add the melted butter as well as the granulated sugar and mix. Add your salt and vanilla as well as the beaten egg yolks. You should also start adding more of the flour to your bowl in small portions. You don’t need to add any more flour once the dough is moist, soft, but not sticky. Before removing the dough, lightly flour your surface and then kneed the dough for about a minute. If the dough is sticking to your hands add more flour. Form the dough into a ball. Next, grease a clean bowl and add your dough. Cover that bowl with plastic wrap and let it rise until your dough has doubled in size. This process can take over an hour before it rises fully. After the dough has doubled, deflate the dough and pat out onto a floured cutting board. With a rolling pin, roll the dough into a 1/2 inch thick circle (it doesn’t have to be perfect, mine never are). Cut out 3 inch circles and place them on a parchment lined baking sheet. Once done, cover with a clean towel and let it rise again till it doubled (which can take up to 30 minutes). After that, you’re going to heat oil to about 360 degrees in a large pot. You can now fry the paczki until it’s golden on one side, and then flip it to fry the other side. I usually use a fork to flip them. Once fried, put on a cooling rack for about 30 seconds and immediately roll in powdered sugar. Let them stand until they are completely cooled. Once they have cooled, using a knife, poke a hole on one side making sure you don’t go all the way through the paczek. Use a pastry bag or a ziploc bag with a whole on one corner to pipe the jam inside. And you’re done! Now I know not many are going to want to go through this whole process, but I guarantee you it’s well worth it.

Ingredients: (Portion for 1 Person)
– 2 Bananas
– 1 1/2 cups of Milk
– 3 tsp of Sugar
– 1 tsp of Vanilla Extract
– Ice Cubes

Recipe:
1) Peel the 2 Bananas and break them up into pieces, placing them into a blender
2) Measure out and add 1 1/2 cups of Milk
3) Measure out and add 3 teaspoons of Sugar
4) Measure out and add 1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
5) Add Ice Cubes (I recommend 3 to 4 unless you have abnormally-sized ice cubes, in which case you should feel out what works for you)
6) Close it up with the lid and blend for about 25 seconds; pour it up and enjoy!

I learned this banana milkshake recipe from my older sister when I was a kid. We would always make it together and experiment with the ingredient amounts. Over time, the recipe described above is what we settled on. Now that my sister lives in a different state, making this banana milkshake is very nostalgic for me. I still enjoy it to this day, as well as my aunt who requests it when she visits on the weekends. My grandma also taxes me and takes some whenever she catches me making it because of just how good it is!