Not so technical difficulties
My overall piece was an incredibly rough draft. At the last minute I wasn’t able to record with the person who I was supposed to record with. Instead, I needed to compensate with writing in more for me to say and to develop a full essay, and include my point without an example of a conversation that I had originally planned out in my proposal.
The main point of my audio essay evolved from different perspectives on relationship start ups, to what it means to be in a committed from a young one’s perspective. A lot of people say “oh, you’re wrong, you have yet to live life, you don’t know what love and commitment truly is.” However, I’m the one who’s seen divorces go through, or marriage grow stale or shatter. I wasn’t able to find a sound that suited my voice. The topic became quite dreary quite quickly. I was able to follow through with an original idea, following suit with Glass’s advice on choosing an interesting topic, spending as much time on choosing the topic than editing and revising the piece (Part 2, 0:36). It is a youthful rebellion against “mature” opinion of young love and relationships. Although we are sinking into a declining age of higher divorce rates and speed dating (that goes hand in hand with instantaneous text break ups), there are individuals that go counter current; I wanted my piece to discuss that a little bit. Another piece of advice that I found myself trying to fulfill while recording my voice was to make it genuinely mine, rather than mimicking the tones I’ve heard on radio. My voice simply isn’t an ideal voice for radio, and I simply have to live with that. But as Glass said in Part 4, 0:58, the more we are actually our own selves, the better off we are. I needed to allow myself to pace the way I wanted, rather than speeding up and slowing down as I’ve heard on the radio before, creating enthusiasm when I didn’t genuinely feel it myself. It allowed me to not be as wordy as I was in the beginning.
For the revision, I have a lot of work cut out for me. I want to search more for a song/sound that would accompany my voice and my topic complimentarily. I need to test out what it would be like if I could record Edward’s voice as well, rather than just sticking to my makeshift essay revision audio file. If it flies better than my draft, then I’ll keep and revise that to become my final piece. If I stick with this file, I’ll need to outline on my script areas that need greater enthusiasm and emphasis with my voice, as well as conclude in a finer and cleaner manner.
4 responses so far
I quite like how you start: on how you’ve been a serial dater. That sets up an expectation of story, like, oh good–we’re going to hear stories about relationships. It draws me in right away.
But you don’t fully realize the potential of this beginning, of suggesting good stories to come. More story here and less reflection would be good in this piece. Think about how Glass emphasizes both anecdote and reflection. You are reflection heavy at the moment. And when you start to tell stories, you don’t fully tell them; rather, you suggest places where stories might be (e.g. your parents’ communication problems)
You say you only really care about your current boyfriend’s opinion, which kind of requires that you include his opinion– ideally his own voice telling his opinion, which would be a great way to create chapters in this project, break it up and improve the overall structure. You either have to take that comment out, or follow up with making this story more a balance between his opinion and your opinion, and marking and reflecting on the differences, disconnects, varying angles about commitment that partners can hold, even if they are joined based on the commonalities, which you emphasize as being important in love. Despite having the commonalities most would agree are essential to a successful relationship, how might partners still have big differences in their opinions and values? That would be really interesting to explore.
Talking about love is hard and one key part of making it work is avoiding generalities and cliche. You have to be as specific as possible. And at all cost, avoid talking about love as genuine (e.g. around 3.30 in your piece) or true. You have to avoid truisms in general–those things most that most people would automatically agree with, because where’s the tension, the opportunity for me to learn something, the motive? Once I start to feel like you’re going to say things I already know or have heard (e.g. love based on friendship and shared interests is the strongest), I will begin to tune out. So your job is to offer a fresh take on love and relationships. Think about that as you revise!
Also decide how you want to handle the message about Christianity and it’s role in your evolving beliefs about love and commitment (and being a serial dater). You’re sounding a little evasive when you say, at one point, religious beliefs are a touchy subject so you don’t want to go there. I mean, you do go there, quite a bit, in this piece. you talk about becoming Christian, about Christian ethics. So own it as a critical and central part of your message here, or don’t. That is, decide it this piece is about love and religion, or just about love and relationships and the coming of age of a serial dater. Either one could work, either one might have a different audience for you to keep in mind. And either way, make a conscious choice about your topic and be clear about what you want to say about it (e.g. your message). Think about ways to be consistent with your message and build it up over the course of of the audio essay: have some momentum but also a clear trajectory of exploring one main point.
Okay, so, really hone your main message. Right now, it’s rambling. That has to do with a message that seems to shift to related-yet-different things (being a serial dater, the importance of communication, being newly Christian and the place of that new identity in your feelings about love, sharing common interests, building up to a commitment slowly, and so on). And it also has to do with structure. You need chapters or separate sections and places listeners can land and reflect. You need, that is, to think through how to make this piece into an audio project, designed for listeners specifically. That’s where you bring in your creativity (with music, sounds effects, special consideration on structuring, etc).
I liked your audio essay, and found it interesting to hear your opinions on commitment and relationships. However, after your introduction I assumed I would hear a conversation or at least a sort of “interview” with your boyfriend. Your audio essay contained many different aspects that related, but I think your essay’s purpose needs to be a little bit more focused. You talked about the three levels of commitment, “acquaintance, friend, boyfriend/girlfriend. I think she should apply these three levels to your own relationship. Get your boyfriend’s thoughts on when and how your relationship evolved. Did you both “know” when your relationship had changed to something more? Personally, I am interested in hearing you and your boyfriend’s story rather than general thoughts. I always like to hear personal experience rather than generalities. I think you have a lot to work with. My main point of advice is to attempt to develop a concrete purpose and effect. I’m excited to listen to the final product. Good Luck!
I was captivated by your beginning. Calling yourself a serial dater really set the stage for an interesting story. You have a lot of strong ideas and opinions on this topic. Since you said that at the last minute your plans to talk with your boyfriend fell through, I would suggest that you try and get the opportunity to talk with him this time around. This piece begs for a two-sided story. We hear a lot about how you feel that a mutual interest/common ground is the basis for any strong, sustainable relationship. It would be terrific if we could see how he feels on this same issue.
I want to see you take some stylistic choices to really make this project your own. You’re right in your cover letter when you say that you want to look for a song/sound to strengthen your story. Little sound effects here and there will really help to provide entertainment value to your piece. Right now it’s a little dry. Sound effects, song clips, etc., will help keep listeners paying attention. Playing with your voice a little, adding some pauses, emphasizing certain points, these will all help to hold listeners’ attention. Your tone is fairly constant throughout the entire piece, and this makes it harder to pay attention for a long period of time. So I would advise doing a lot of playing with the style and the audio of this piece, to put your own spin on the piece.
Christianity is a huge part of your subject. While it might be a touchy subject, it is one that needs to have more discussion in this piece. Around 5:00 you say it’s a touchy subject that you want to avoid. But it is such a huge part of your current relationship. It is THE common interest that you two share. It needs to be a focal point of your broadcast if you keep your current subject. Talk about how being a newly-baptized Christian has affected your dating life, how it changed your relationship with him. It’s a different way to address love, through the lens of religion and faith. I think it’s an idea that, you’re right, is touchy. And if you addressed it in uncompromising detail, you wold have a very powerful piece.
You have a lot of different ideas in this piece. Picking one, whether it’s faith & relationships, serial dating, etc., and honing it will improve your piece. Right now, I don’t know what I’m taking away from this piece when I listen to it. I get confused. If you simplify, and then hone, your piece, you will be on track to have a very strong piece!
You have your pieces, now you just need to weave them together. I was really hoping for some kind of storytelling between you and your boyfriend, but if you can’t find a way to bring his voice in, then you’re going to have to put your story together yourself – which you’re already doing. The introduction is catchy, so you’ve succeeded in pulling in your listeners, now you just have to keep them. Like an essay, drive home your point, whatever you want that to be. But, unlike an essay, take that creative step and really bring something uniquely special to it. This is a great topic for a story, I want to see where you can go with it!