What hinders me?

I believe that I am deprived from self-motivation. Not many things awe me, therefore I become bored very easily. I believe that I lost my motivation between the ages of 13-15. Nothing in my life had to be worked for. I did not really have to work towards anything.  Or maybe it was because I lost something dear to me and I thought nothing in life matters anymore?
What hinders me? Is it my lack of motivation or is it my abundance of discouragement?
What hinders me? I would like to gain a sense of knowledge or memory in everything that I do.. Is that being too selfish? I know that somewhere deep DEEP inside me I truly desire to have an excessive amount of interest in something. I guess I lack that also.
What hinders me? Maybe it’s because I always look for something more… I am never fully satisfied.
What hinders me? Is it because I like spending my time doing simple things and I never look at the bigger picture?
I want to create a painting on a large canvass but I lack the pastels and correct strokes to create a masterpiece.
I want to have a drive in my heart that allows me to question and experience things. But my drive runs out of gas after only a few miles.
What hinders me? Maybe it’s because I  was never allowed to see the rainbow after the rain storm. So I haven’t experienced a miracle yet.
What hinders me?
I have too much questions about the future. What if I do this and that happens? Would it still be worth it? What if I try this and something bad happens? Would I regret it?
What if I am happy and I lose it? I am afraid of pain and failure.
A lot of my thoughts stops me from continuing. But I am slowly realizing that I shouldn’t be scared to take chances. Life is only so beautiful if you are willing to put effort into it.
You can only get good grades if you actually take your time and study the subject. Nothing magically comes to you if you are just sitting in a room and waiting. There are things in life that one can wait for but one also needs to be active in achieving that goal.
What hinders me? It’s the determination and motivation that I need find again. Or acquire again.
What hinders me? I think I’m just waiting for the street lights to turn from red to green.