Author Archives: annie.lin



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B+C

I think my first semester in Baruch was rather hurried but  appreciated at the same time. I met amazing people both in school and outside of school. I am slowly beginning to see how college can question your morals, knowledge, and understanding but consequentially accept every piece of you.

So I would not change anything, even if I were given a free ticket on a time machine ride. I never believed that a small thing like turning a page in a book can change everything… that is until it happened. Everything that happened; every breathe I took since August 26; every step I took, left a footprint in my life.

I believe that I am deprived from self-motivation. Not many things awe me, therefore I become bored very easily. I believe that I lost my motivation between the ages of 13-15. Nothing in my life had to be worked for. I did not really have to work towards anything.  Or maybe it was because I lost something dear to me and I thought nothing in life matters anymore?
What hinders me? Is it my lack of motivation or is it my abundance of discouragement?
What hinders me? I would like to gain a sense of knowledge or memory in everything that I do.. Is that being too selfish? I know that somewhere deep DEEP inside me I truly desire to have an excessive amount of interest in something. I guess I lack that also.
What hinders me? Maybe it’s because I always look for something more… I am never fully satisfied.
What hinders me? Is it because I like spending my time doing simple things and I never look at the bigger picture?
I want to create a painting on a large canvass but I lack the pastels and correct strokes to create a masterpiece.
I want to have a drive in my heart that allows me to question and experience things. But my drive runs out of gas after only a few miles.
What hinders me? Maybe it’s because I  was never allowed to see the rainbow after the rain storm. So I haven’t experienced a miracle yet.
What hinders me?
I have too much questions about the future. What if I do this and that happens? Would it still be worth it? What if I try this and something bad happens? Would I regret it?
What if I am happy and I lose it? I am afraid of pain and failure.
A lot of my thoughts stops me from continuing. But I am slowly realizing that I shouldn’t be scared to take chances. Life is only so beautiful if you are willing to put effort into it.
You can only get good grades if you actually take your time and study the subject. Nothing magically comes to you if you are just sitting in a room and waiting. There are things in life that one can wait for but one also needs to be active in achieving that goal.
What hinders me? It’s the determination and motivation that I need find again. Or acquire again.
What hinders me? I think I’m just waiting for the street lights to turn from red to green.

Coming to Baruch I thought that I would never change. I am afraid of change, yet I am scared of permanency. Why am I always contradicting myself. I am afraid that I might lose my morals if I change.. I am afraid that I will never grow if I stay who I am. My fear are both things. My fear is waking up in the morning and allowing myself to breathe. My fear is going to bed at night and waking up in the same position. My fear is fear itself. Why can’t I do things based on my impulses? Why can’t I live my life as a butterfly?

I am clumsy. I can fall if you tell me to stand in one position. I walk a crooked line. One day when I was young, my friend and I decided to take up roller skating. There is an elementary school near her house that lays on top of a hill. So going to the park, we had to skate down that hill. Unfortunately, no one informed me of how to brake on the roller-skates so I crashed head first to a telephone pole! Even worse, after that my body fell straight down on the cement floor (on my back side)..OUCH! I believe that I was unconscious and embarrassed for about 2 seconds because the next thing I heard was my friend calling my name and asking if I was okay.

I feel empowered when my mother smiles at me before she leaves for work. I feel empowered when I can make someone else smile. I feel empowered when my best friend lends her ears to me when I feel like everything is life is going wrong. I feel empowered by looking at my baby niece and thinking the world of her. I feel empowered a few moments every single day. But those empowerment made me who I have become.

I want to grow as a person. I want to be able to fulfill my own selfish dreams. I desire change. I adore stillness. I know who I am. But I need a few adjustments.

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I follow a different motto every single day. Today I became attached to this quote:

“Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.”

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In my mother’s eyes, I am but a small child; unaware of the dangerous world…

In my teacher’s eyes, I am but a student;  desperately wanting to be seen…

In my best friend’s eyes, I am but a companion; a hand that she can always hold…

In my eyes, I am but a soul, wandering to understand what life actually means…

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I don’t want to stay buried inside my coccoon and never finding the way out. I don’t know who I want to become. I don’t know what wants to become me. I don’t know when the day will come when I can finally feel free.

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The diversity of experience and understanding is different. I feel like I can simply approach anybody and he/she would be really friendly.

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I think that everyday something will change a person. It doesn’t only occur in college. But I think that overall, I want my college experience to change me in a way that I can become more expressive.