When I got up to present my monologue, I strayed away from what I really wanted to talk about, but I stayed somewhat along the lines of it.
So now I’ll say everything I wanted to say.
Most people including my closest and dearest friends know extremely little about the life I live at home. They all have the general idea but don’t know the extent to which things go. Sometimes I give little snippets and they can’t handle even that. Oh well. Maybe that’s why I mostly keep things to myself.
My parents have had the biggest and most negative impact on my life. I don’t know if I should thank them or be upset at them for making me the way I am today. My parents started arguing soon after I turned 4, but they have had serious problems since the very beginning of their relationship. Their issues existed solely because they were different people with different priorities and values; I don’t think they were meant to be. I always heard both sides to one story and they often asked me what the solution would be to their problems, take their anger and frustration about each other out on me. On top of that, they would blame each other for the “failure” that I am. I remember begging them to get divorced. Through their problems, I missed out in my childhood and I had no one to go to for consolation because I am an only child.
They failed to understand that raising a child in a household where parents never show affection and love to each other, where there is no such thing as peace, no sense of what being comfortable at home is like, was destructive. The only person who saw it was me.
To this day I long to know what it feels like to enjoy being home, to relax at home, to enjoy my parents’ company.
And because I’ve been dealing with it all by myself for so long, I decided to continue. I’ve become so used to suppressing what I feel, that it’s just a normal part of my life. As depressing as it is, I learned that I am quite optimistic despite everything. I take each day at home as it comes, even if I know a lot of the bad things are going to repeat themselves on an almost daily basis. I just think of my long term goal of setting a positive impact on the people around me, to help those who can’t help themselves. Maybe after all that I’ll be able to love my parents for making me the person I will become.