Of all the free writes we have done, the one that has stuck with me the most was “what are you afraid of?” I assume, perhaps incorrectly, that most people respond to that question with things like “spiders” or “heights”. That’s not what I think of when that question is raised. For me, you don’t truly know someone until you know their weaknesses as well as their strengths.
Fear has ruled my life almost since the beginning. First I was afraid that my parents fighting would end in disaster. When it ended, I was afraid of what would happen next. And from the moment I became an orphan, I was afraid of almost everything. When you no longer have your parents there to guide you, your natural fears of disappointing them are intensified. You don’t know what makes them proud, what they want you to do with your life. And the thought that whatever you are doing isn’t good enough is pervasive.
At this moment I can honestly say I am terrified. I watch my grandmother struggle with her meager pension, I watch my aunt break her back at a job she hates, I watch my step father dance back and forth between addictions and it scares me. What if I am destined for the same things? My greatest fear in life is failure.
But this fear is not what defines me. As humans, we all have weaknesses. It is what we choose to do about those weakness’ that make us who we are. I could easily follow the footsteps of my family. With so many responsibilities, I doubt any one would blame me for throwing my hands up and walking away. But I couldn’t do that. I am the first in my family to go to college, I am the first who wants to be a professional, not just have any job. I am the one who makes sure the bills get paid on time and there’s food to eat. And most of the time I handle this responsibility without complaint. I don’t do it for praise or because I want to feel superior. I do it because someone has to. And that’s just who I am.
