“Who are you?” is a question that doesn’t have a simple answer.

Stating the kind of person you are and what you’ve done is easy.

But “who you are” is defined with your every action and choice.

I am a good student who likes video games and art.

I am part Irish and part Italian.

I know the kind of person I’ve been.

I  know the kind of person I want to be.

“Who you are” is constantly changing making any attempt to answer “who you are?” almost impossible.

Well as a kid growing up I had no parent to direct me along the way. Everything was left for me to figure on my own. My mother passed away when i was seven, and my dad became too busy to take up both roles of the family. Furthermore, he hasn’t made it very far in education, working a blue collar job. Burdens increased, as I was responsible for my own well being, such as doing own laundry, getting own lunch etc. Just recently hearing my HS friends complained how they have to do their own laundry while dorming makes me realize how accentuated my burdens and maturity were.

It was my very duty, and obligation to my mother, to do well in school. I became very reclusive, having barely any friends in elementary school, all focused on school work. I did extremely well, too. When i reached Junior High, I started making friends, but with the wrong people. Maybe a part of it had to do with nobody knowing the status of my family. But anyways, this is a part of my life i’ve hated, where I did bad, illegal crap which I will regret forever. My gpa, without question, dropped fairly significantly. It’s a feeling of disgust, of how I can hardly face my mother’s gravestone without feeling that I did something sorry to her. This hit me pretty hard in late Junior High to early HS, a emo phase. Not that i dress all black, with long hair and cut myself.  But I was just really sad and gloomy. Soon enough I make my resolve, and in Senior year told myself to get my gpa up. I got roughly a 90 overall, but when average in the other 3 years, I was barely making an 80. I am now here in Baruch to pick up where I left off, but it holds it challenges as college is naturally a step up beyond everything else i experienced.

IDK how to post pics, so w/e.

I Can’t Stand…

The screeching sound of chalk

people in hallways stop to talk

pedestrians halt and don’t walk.

Monstrous wind, the umbrella folding over

Eric breathing down my neck, he likes to hover

crap on a library book cover.

People writing on my possessions

boy band obsessions

Gaon test corrections.

Guys wear their pants mad low

mosquito got me between the toe

18 i cease to grow.

Telling my brother to wash his hand

in the summer I’m scorched and tanned

These are things I cannot stand.

First see

then do,

repeat.

There I got it.

Continue,

step by step

we go.

Quick to run.

Into the horizon.

At first, weightless

sun glistening,

grass flowing.

Then, a

puddle,

a lake,

an ocean to swim.

Growing distant,

sun fading.

Must go on,

but can no longer.

Never to see

the sun again.

Never to reach

the end.

SPLASH!!!

This poem is just a brief expression of how I feel at this point in my life. Growing up was so carefree and now as we all grow older, some fail to see what we once had before rushing into adulthood. The sun represents my life goals, my dreams, where I want to be, and as it fades in the distance over this vast ocean, an obstacle in life. Not until the very end do I decide to jump into the water and take on whatever comes toward me in order for me to reach the sun. This is what I’ve come to learn and realize throughout life and its a part of growing up, another challenge to reach your dreams.

My name is Kathy Pan and I was born in Manhattan, raised in Brooklyn, and currently living in Staten Island. Staten Island is not a bad environment to grow up in; in fact, the show Jersey Shore portrays people that live on S.I. incredibly inaccurate! I live on Staten Island and I think I look and behave like people in New York City. Despite my short juvenile physical experience, I have a loud voice and my personality is bold. The Lhasa Apso breed of dogs accurately portrays my image. They are tiny and adorable on the outside, but their barks are loud just like a big dog.

I’m never afraid to speak my mind. My favorite teacher from high school, Mr. Kane taught me to never be ashamed of expressing opinions.  Mr. Kane went to school dressed up in Hawaiian shirts and straw hats because he likes to demonstrate his beliefs instead of simply dictating it. Aside from Mr. Kane, my friends shaped me into the strong and independent feminist I am today. My friends changed the cold pessimist in me to a loving crybaby. Behind the tough exterior lays a girl with a big heart and too much emotion.

I love to perform cultural Chinese dances! My friends and I joined together to create the first Chinese Dance in my high school. We performed it every year for the school’s annual “International Festival.” The dance consists of fans and dedicated girls! The routines were all original ideas and they were mediocre compared to professional dancers.  However, as the years passed, the dance became more elaborate and organized. Here are some pictures from the dance: (click to enlarge)

Link to the 3rd year video, the fan dance does not start until 1:50 🙂 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KLCbozvaXo

Like a balloon floating, I am very optimistic

likewise, I am also easily let down, or in the balloon’s case, deflated.

Born into the first generation of my family in America, both my grandparents and parents really expected a lot from me. It was already engraved in my mind that I had to teach my sister the rights and wrongs of life and also everything I learned in school so she would have a headstart. At the age of five, after learning the alphabet, I taught my three year old sister the ABC’s by writing on the wall, pretending I was a teacher. “Won’t we get in trouble?,” I remember her saying. I figured it was alright as long as it was for a good cause. But, of course, I got a good lecture after my mommy found out. As I grew up, I’ve become more independent, yet very dependent. I can wash everyone’s laundry, clean the whole house (bathrooms included!), make different varieties of dishes for dinner, and help my siblings with their studies. I’m practically a second mom in my house! Yet, even after accomplishing these tasks, I still need help opening a water bottle, I’m terrified of birds (even pigeons), insects (like butterflies even though I think they’re beautiful), and rodents (even bunny rabbits and squirrels)!! I’m still scared of the dark. At night, I leave the hall light open and the door cracked at at least an inch. I’m always insecure when I’m alone. I can not eat dinner by myself nor go shopping by myself and it makes me sad when I see others by themselves. Something unusual about me is that I am not ticklish unless I’m already laughing. Many people feel that they were deprived a lot from their parents, but I see it from a different perspective. I think I am very spoiled and as a Christian, I feel that God has given me so much. I participated in both Korean and Chinese Fan Dances in my high school. These activities definitely took part in building up my happiness in high school and will forevermore stay with me.

These are photos of Korean Fan Dances from 2008, 2009, & 2010.

Dreams

There once was a girl who dared to dream

Of living a life like a queen

However she knew this wasn’t the case

She thought about what could take its place

She went to school and did everything right

So she could grow up and take on the world with all her might

In case you haven’t realized, that this girl is me

Who now goes to Baruch College in the City

It’s a vertical campus, fourteen floors tall

As you walk by, you see people studying against the wall

Reading, assignments, exams-galore

Be ready to work as you walk through the doors

As you pass by Mr. Baruch on the way

You swipe your card and start your day

I came to Baruch for a higher education

But sometimes you feel that you need a vacation

My first semester has just begun

Which I am learning is not all fun

While walking into class, in search of a desk

Since I’m left handed, finding one could be a pest

The teachers are friendly and seem like they care

If we have trouble, we should have questions prepared

As a freshman we will come across challenges that we need to face

Such as balancing time and studying at a steady pace

The commute to Baruch gets kind of annoying

However while on the train it never gets boring

Performers, beggars, and unusual faces

Makes New York one of the many exciting places

The skyline, Central Park and the Hudson River are all nice sceneries

And don’t forget about all the available eateries

The city is a place to chase your dreams

But remembering that we shouldn’t have to go to extremes

Shy, outgoing, quiet or loud

Try to use your qualities at best to standout in the crowd

Remembering never to change who we are

As we achieve our dreams that are afar

One day I was at a family party with my sister my mom could not make it neither could my dad. I kept bugging my sister to see when we would leave, finally my dad came to pick us up. I asked him were my mother was he said I would see her the following the day. The following day I got home from school and my sister told me we would be seeing my mom later. Finally a family friend came to pick us up. We arrived at the hospital. I rushed to the front desk to find out what room she was in. I rushed to the room and ran in to find my mom in a bed covered in needles. They sight was frightening and then they broke the news to me and my sister. My mom had leukemia one of the most painful things to hear. Eventually she was cured but this memory shall live with me forever.

I thought I would add this video because this was a happy memory. First rap song I ever heard. I was in third grade and ever since then I have loved rap.

Last week Saturday my friend and I decided to go to H&M on 7th ave. When we got there, we went to the men’s section and I was checking out a jacket while she was on the phone with her cousin. While I’m examining the jacket, there’s another guy that’s also there looking at the same jacket as me. We start talking about the jacket and everything seems to be going fine, until when I try on the jacket and he starts caressing me ever so gently saying, “Yea that’s a nice jacket on you it looks real good.” That was when I knew something was wrong, and then a guy saw that and came over. He put his arm around that guy and told me, “This is my man, get your own”, and when they walked away I saw him grab the other guys ass. At first I didn’t really care I was just gonna let it go but a voice in my head was telling me, “Don’t let him talk to you like that you deserve better”, and some other stuff that was just gonna get me in trouble but it sounded good at the time so I agreed with it. The next thing I know I told him “Yo I will take your man….if I want him.” I realized everyone around that area was looking at me like I’m crazy and my friend looked shocked, so I had to explain that I’m not gay they were being gay first and I was just trying to out-gay them, if that makes sense. After that happened I didn’t even feel like buying the jacket I just went straight home.