LC 18

When I first stepped into Baruch College – during the first orientation session – I was excited to be there; I’d waited forever to get to college. I was expecting the place to be so different from my high school experience simply because it wasn’t a high school – even without any effort on my part – and so I quickly began to feel disappointed. However, I attributed it to freshman anxiety (or something of the sort) and muddled through it, passing from each activity to the next and telling myself the actual college part would surpass the orientation blues.

I was right – to a degree. While going to classes was admittedly ten times what the peer bonding exercises at orientation were in terms of enjoyment, they still weren’t exactly what I’d imagined. I’m not really sure why I thought it would be so amazing without me actually going out and making it amazing for myself, but for whatever reason the overall first semester didn’t live up to my expectations. However, I’m not going to complain here because not only would that take up much more room than I have, but also I don’t mean to say there was nothing good about this semester. I met a lot of great people here, and I think that was enough to make up for the bumps along the road. I can’t say that me and everyone else I’ve encountered will be bonded by blood until the day we die (which is actually a rather morbid thought when I reflect on it…) but I can be certain that without the people I met – if they’d been hard to deal with – I wouldn’t be able to control my natural instinct to complain here in this post.

That being said, I think my first semester went well, especially considering stories I’ve heard of other people having disastrous ones. After all, who am I – the one who had the smoothest registration for the spring and winter terms one can ask for – to complain? Except for a select class (that I’m sure a number of you can imagine and those who can’t don’t have to know), I maintained a fairly high overall GPA and didn’t crack under professors’ demands. Personally, I’m glad I had such easygoing professors this semester, because my imagination had always conjured up a universal sense of college professors who either found failing students terribly amusing or had so many more important things to do that they couldn’t bother with anyone – not even to glance at them. Though I suppose I would have changed one thing about my time at the college: I would have tried to be a little friendlier to people by way of going out and getting involved in more. I planned to, initially, but I guess my nerves got the best of me – or perhaps laziness did.

I don’t think I’ve changed much since coming to Baruch – I’d like very much to think I haven’t. With that said, I’m going to hold firm to that and stick to imagining that those who know me will be better judges of alterations to me or my character since arriving. In theory, I should be saying I’ve gotten more responsible or something like that, but in reality I can’t tell: I’d like to think so, but I have a feeling that’s not the case. Yet I don’t think it’s particularly important: there is, at the very least, one half-year left in Baruch for me, and perhaps that will be a better time to assess how I’ve done.

I’m here writing a monologue, and oddly enough I feel that the thing I’m most insecure about it that very thing – writing it. That doesn’t make too much sense when I reflect on it – no offense meant to the instructor, but Freshman Seminar is a pass-fail course, after all – but I can’t help it.

Thinking along those lines, I suppose my real insecurity is one or both of two things; doing work that’s up to par enough so that I don’t embarrass myself handing it in, and public speaking. I’m trying now to determine which it is, and I truly do want to say it’s speaking in front of a mob – organized and relatively calm mob that this class may be – but I’m not sure. I have an odd tendency to worry about my assignments, and not so much doing them as understanding them. After all, it is a little embarrassing (full sarcasm intended) when you pour yourself into an assignment, turn it in, and have the professor and the whole class raise their eyebrows because you did the whole thing wrong. It’s…an epic fail? Is that expression too lame?

Since this monologue is supposed to reveal something about myself, I guess I’ll stay along the lines of insecurity and reveal the shocking truth that I have major anxiety _ I kid you all not. I’m not sure how I really come off to others now, but for most of my life I was the shyest, most reserved kid in the room. Seriously, the parents of some other girl in my kindergarten class complained about me to the principle of the school: they claimed I was haunting their kid or something because I was just standing there like a little miniature stalker. Of course that was a tad….overzealous of them – I was four, after all – but that sort of mentality stuck with me for years. Forget talking to strangers – that defined as people not immediately connected to me, so classmates as well; I’m saying I wouldn’t even dare looking them in the eye. I don’t think I come off as so shy anymore – I suppose you all can be the judges of that – and if I do it’s not because I’m trying like I used to. The way I see it, I’m in New York City: this is definitely the time to live it up.

I chose this image because I think it accurately represents what I was trying to talk about – my anxiety about coming out of my shell before, but the ability to do it later on. Of course, I could have chosen a cast of images to represent that, but this one had an adorable little turtle…or tortoise in it: in short, I couldn’t resist.

I think that’s all I can really say about myself. I would be more personal but…at this time I don’t see too much more to me than that little snippet. I feel guilty, though, after reading all of the other posts to the blog: my anxiety coming back to bite me again I guess. Since there’s little I can do to remedy it at this point, however, I shall resign to sigh, nod my head, and thank you all for listening because I’m sure it hasn’t been the most wonderful experience of your lives to hear me ramble for however long this took.

Hm so this is my first blog post here; response to the FRO prompt……..of who do I think I am 🙂

Well, I think I’m Kyra and a freshman in Baruch, but since that’s too obvious I’ll elaborate I guess. Hmm…. I think I’m dedicated, though I suppose I’m not too much so since I’m always worried about not studying enough xD That is possible, ja? (Apparently I also think I’m Swedish with my substitute for “yeah” there…. Much love to anyone who is Swedish, mind you all)

So far it’s been easier than I expected from Baruch – except for English (Dear God, I am not very successful at picking apart details of famous paintings……and especially cubist ones!). There’s more reading than I’m used to, but it’s not too bad. I guess it also helps that I don’t have to write huge reports all the time….though I’m sure that might come later on. Basically though, it’s like my high school; writing in class, reading at home, and very commuter.

I can’t say how the first year will change me, else I doubt I would change…. I don’t want to guess either, even if that defeats the purpose of this prompt (Hopefully not though!). I would rather go in completely open minded and let whatever will be come to me. You know what they say: “Que sera sera!” (It would seem accents don’t work so well…)