I think “who am I?” is a question that many people, even in old age, have yet to find the answer to… I hope one day I can answer it with confidence. To me, life’s a journey… I don’t think I’ve experienced enough to really say who I am… I believe that God’s still molding me into the person He’s destined me to be. I still have a lot to learn… If I had things my way, I’d be in a tree over-looking green plains, mountain tops and oceans 24/7. I’m always in deep-thought… It doesn’t matter where I am or who I’m with, I’m always zoned out and in my own little world… Sounds pretty bad, but it’s true.
I used to be scared of the dark, but I’m pretty much over that. I used to need nightlights, now my room has to be pitch black… Even the light from the time on my cable box annoys me these days… I’m deathly afraid of insects… Especially spiders… I normally have to get other people to kill them for me, and if no one’s around and I have to do it myself, it’s a dreadfully long and ridiculously loud process.
My family, friends and good-looking men make me happy… Music relaxes me, as does writing in my journal. Shopping, going for walks with my best friends, and laughing till it hurts are my cure-all’s. Love and nature also keep me grounded. I pretty much get excited over everything… cute dogs… pens that light up. I’m a big kid, it doesn’t take much to keep me entertained.
Growth and progress are important to me. I don’t like to be stuck… I like looking back and comparing my former self to my present self… There’s always a problem if I don’t see even the slightest difference…
School is the ultimate blow. Life would be so much easier if I was a socialite and had billionaire parents… But we all do things in life that we don’t want to do… For me, it’s this college business… But I want to continue to be the prize in my family, so I have no choice but to be successful. I’m one of the few that have actually graduated from high school and went on to college…
The other day I bumped into family I haven’t seen in years in Macy’s. I was so embarrassed because I didn’t even remember my aunt and uncle’s name until after I said my goodbyes and called my sister… (Yes, i made it through the entire conversation without having to use their names… And I was too ashamed to ask…) When I called my sister, she was able to remind me… At least I had remembered my cousins name.
I’ve had a few empowering moments. The first and only pageant I’ve ever competed in, I placed 1st runner-up. I could have won, but I screwed up the formation and didn’t cover it up well. I stopped in the middle of the stage when I had realized that I messed up and made this really weird face (I’ve never been one to hide how I feel. Some people don’t have a filter on their mouths, I don’t have a filter when it comes to facial expressions)… the audience laughed but it wasn’t embarrassing… I still got 1st runner-up! It was a big deal for me because at the time, I was in Cabot, Arkansas… A predominantly white and racist little town. I was the only black girl competing so it was a little nerve-wrecking… But I still got out there and did it with lots of support from my mom and best friends.
I guess my personal song would be The Ambitious Girl by Wale. It’s not really a “song,” he’s reciting a poem really… He’s not rapping. But I appreciate the lyrics… It’s my alarm clock, so I wake up to it every morning.
I think my first year of college will make me a stronger and more decisive person. I’m very indecisive about most things. It’s hard to choose one thing when you want it all. My biggest challenge is just caring about school… because I don’t care, I procrastinate. The only time I start to care is if something’s due in a day or two… or if I have a test… Well, even then I still don’t care most times… I don’t know… Other than that, I don’t like commuting. Public transportation is annoying and I always seem to pick the WORST train carts. But otherwise, life’s good… 😀