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It's a Wonderful World

I used to be a mold. I used to attempt to mold myself into the stereotypical Asian boy to make my parents happy. I found out I couldn’t accept it, so I rejected it. Don’t get me wrong, I still mold myself into images that will hopefully make people happy. It doesn’t work a lot of times, so I’ve decided to throw it away and live the way how I want it. No more worries about images anymore but only about the future. Just living the life, valving the significant things, and discarding the rest. A little too carefree? That’s your call, not mine.

I have been very concern about college ever since when I started high school. Image problem remember? List those concerns? I don’t know where to start spilling my words onto this blog but I don’t think it will fit the blog. I can group all my concerns under one umbrella : How am I going to live my life from now on? Well, from there the concerns come flowing in such as how am I going to make money, where am I going to reside, and etc. I don’t want to have no idea which path I am following in the future, I want a vague view at least if not a well-planned future. An empty future is scary, don’t you think?

Well to start off, college and high school are spelled differently! High school was very relaxing and perhaps too carefree for me. Since nothing really mattered and besides a high school education is free, right? However, coming to college has been a completely different experience for me so far. To start off, school isn’t free anymore, it’s painful to pay for each class; this is one main motivation to go to college. My grades actually determine which doors I open or close in the future; this is actually the main reason I don’t miss class anymore. Finally, my professors nag about anything, which is a little odd for the first time of my education years, I have to steer myself to success alone. Overall, the college experience is a 180 degree flip from what I have experienced in college.

Change has been a very common word ever since our current president has used it in his campaign, and everything is indeed changing. I am already changing in college, well at least people say that. I am no longer the mute person who only sits in class and daydream. I open my mouth and words come out of my moving mouth to answer a question, not to talk to my neighbor about random things. I don’t participate a lot but I do the minimum at least; in high school I usually don’t earn anything for my participation grade. I am very happy I have erased my name as the mute one and corrected it to my original name. I am very interested what other changes I am capable throughout my whole college experience. I have no idea how college change me, but I wish it will be for the best!

thanks flickr

Sometimes people believe they know who they are, but I think that’s impossible. To truly understand one’s self, said person has to be all-knowing. Sorry to burst your bubble, but no human being is all-knowing. The most I can do is accept what I know (and don’t know), as of right now, and get ready for whatever changes are being kept for me in my future. Because the fact is that I know very little. I know I’m a person of many opposites. I know that the quote from Walt Whitman’s Song of Myself “I am large. I contain many multitudes” resonates with me. I know I’m a college student and I know that I want to be, in four years, a college graduate.

I don’t know, however, how the hell I’m going to get there. I have endless concerns about college; most of which I’m not even aware of. I predict that I’m going to have trouble with balancing my life between the social and the academic. There have been and probably will be eras of my life divided by very distinct phases. I’ll go through a whole month doing nothing but work; only to be followed by a whole month of partying. Then, in addition to the crookedness of my life, I have the problem of not enough “me time”.  Me time is very important. With the right amount of me time comes a very natural ability to reduce stress, which is something I have a great deal of difficulty doing. I’m very afraid that I will do what I did in high school and freak out when stress comes my way. You know the theory fight or flight? I define flight. I am what it means to run away from a problem.

Then I remind myself — this isn’t high school. There are a few seemingly obvious, but very notable differences between now and then. I’m no longer a high schooler. My peers are no longer high schoolers. And my professors are no longer high school teachers. What does that mean? One: I’m more mature and, hopefully, so are the people around me. And two: my professors expect more of me and understand that since more is expected of me, for the first time since a long time, I am under a great deal of stress. And thus, the atmosphere has changed.

I figure that, with the above calculation, my freshman year should definitely be a switch. I foresee a bunch of little things happening. Things like: more friends on facebook, a significant decrease in sleeping hours, better pong skills, and so forth. But, on the grander scale, my worldview is bound to change is a drastic and wonderful way. With my own evolution and with the influence of my also-evolving peers, I will grow exponentially. Another huge change is going to be moving out of my house. If all goes accordingly, it should change me in a positive way. I should blossom. Maybe I’ll learn how to balance my life. Maybe I’ll pick up some stress reducing skills. One can only hope.

Dominique Bible

I am a simple human. Emotions shouldn’t make a person, but it’s unlikely that they wouldn’t. I am fear, I am desire, I am anger and I am love. When it’s not emotions that are me, it’s logic. In other words, I am never both. I am someone who keeps friends and family close to heart. I am careless about the careless. I am on a level of self-awareness. I am a daughter to a critical mother and an ignorant father, and a sister to a confused brother. I think that who I am won’t really matter until I’m living on my own, because right now who I am doesn’t come close to who I can be.

My concerns have nothing to do with Baruch College specifically, but of college itself. This is something so new to those who have never done it, and even about three weeks in I feel like I don’t yet belong. My top concern is about just being able to keep up with the work. I don’t want to disappoint my parents or myself by doing poorly. When I feel that I’m getting lazy I remind myself that this is now the real thing. I know that it’s the real thing because in this “real thing” everything costs money, which is another concern. Even though my parents aren’t denying anything yet, I feel bad for making them do this but also feel that I should just get used to all the expenses of college. My third most concern is not having enough time. Time is so ungraspable and so uncontrollable that it flies without warning. If I don’t make the right use of the time that I have, I’m scared that I’ll end up regretting something that I do at Baruch. After being in high school for four years, the pace in college actually isn’t much different. What is different is the freedom. I really love that about college. The individual freedom really gives each student individual responsibilities. We are responsible for our own work, our own timing, our own mistakes. In high school we have to abide to the school’s rules without much flexibility.

This first year of Baruch College will definitely give me more insight of what they call “the real world.” I still live with the parents but I find myself relying on them less and less. I love the city and going to school smack in the middle of it is very intriguing to me. I’m sure to get more acquainted with the surrounding areas as well as the surrounding crowd. I’m hoping to become more comfortable with myself and my time management. Maturity is key and I think that after high school everyone feels a little more mature, so after one year of college it should feel even better. The first year of college will change me in positive ways. Maybe I’ll even stop  picking on my brother, who’s also trying to get his life finally going, but who knows.

Either way, I’ll catch you on the flip side.

It’s always hard to take a look at yourself and define who you are.  I see myself as an Asian American male who tries to go above certain expectations  of those who know me.  Not because I aim to please them but because I know it’ll benefit me in the future.  I often find myself exploring because I’m not sure if i have a set identity.  As I live my life, I change and I think that’s one of the hardest things in life to accept.  We all have our moments in life and some wish that they could just stay in the period for the rest of our lives.

One of my concerns as a freshman at Baruch College is that I won’t be able to push myself to use my time efficiently and do my task before the last minute.  I’m a lazy individual so doing everything I have to is almost never an option.  Another one of my concerns is that I may not pass everything because I’m not one to study or exactly do everything I’m supposed to.  I fell under the impression that if I just go to class then it’ll all be alright because of my past education.  Clearly that’s not going to happen.  The last concern of mine is that I’ve heard we have to do all these presentations in our later classes and years, and I’m guessing it won’t be easy for me because I’m naturally a shy person.

I think my experience in college will be different from high school in that I’ll have a lot more freedom and no one will be there to guide you and help if don’t want to seek out help by yourself.  Also that the courses will be more demanding and the work will be more detailed.  I guess since we are paying for our education, it’s expected that we want to be in college and we find our own way to succeeding and actually learning.  Another difference I see is that everyone is focused unlike high school where everyone is forced to be there and I guess it creates a different environment and vibe.

I think my first year at college will have a few surprises with my courses and how college will impact my life.  My first year will probably make me more responsible in regards to my time management and my ability to accept the fact that I have to set my priorities.   College is like another portion in my life because every experience changes you whether it be good or bad.  With all the expectations of the students to do well and use what they learn to help out in their careers, I find it kind out hard to believe that I will become one of those people.  It’s not exactly who I am but I guess college is already changing me because otherwise I would be writing this blog at a different time.