Who Are WE? We're PR3!

I haven’t joined any clubs yet, even though in the beginning of the year I was killing myself with the thought that I immediately needed to. The problem is that no club that I’ve seen really interested me. Or maybe I’m just being too closed minded. I want to be in something that I am passionate about, but I haven’t found that thing yet. For now I just spend time around campus or go home.

In my free time on campus I’m usually found in the library. If I don’t have any homework to do at the moment, I usually find someone to chat with or something else to occupy my mind with. I’ve recently picked up a book by Kurt Vonnegut. Maybe catch up on some leisure reading. Today a group of us went to East, a Japanese restaurant, for some sushi. That’s probably going to be a new favorite. A popular place in our little “block” group for some quick food has been the little deli on 23rd. We call it “Uncle Sam’s” only because the guy behind the counter told us he wants to call it that someday. Quirky little insider.

I’m going for this new thing for myself: more time on my mind, less time on the computer. We’ll see what happens.

Simplicity is easy to describe but difficult to achieve.

Our first free-write question asked us to write about one thing that we like about ourselves. I realize now that what I put, patience, is a quality that I don’t really have. When I can’t get something done I’ll let it bother me to no end. Hell, even if the person in front of me knocks me off my walking pace, I can’t help but get anxious and try my best to get around them.

Something that I do have, and like about myself, is understanding. There are some really ignorant people out there that think that everyone else is wrong. But I know that everyone has their own problems in life, and their own ways of dealing with them. But just because I understand why someone is the way they are, doesn’t mean that I have to agree with them. Or even like them.

I don’t like changing for others. If someone tells me that I should stop wearing or doing something, I’ll want to do the absolute opposite. If I want to change something, I’ll do it myself when I have the motivation to. Some of this attitude is also used towards my parents.

I have a weakness of insecurity. I usually take care of this through some sort of bodily movements. Either I’m shaking my leg up and down while sitting, tapping a pen against the desk, or just tapping my fingers. This isn’t very uncommon, I guess. I came into high school with not a lot of self esteem, and it took some building to set everything straight. I met some really beautiful souls there, who I hope will stick by me for the rest of it all.

My family has shaped a lot of me. Growing up, their only way of punishing me was by making me feel guilty. Which is worse than just getting grounded, I think. Their reverse psychology still stops me from doing some things that tempt me, because I don’t want to feel the guilt of being the reason for their anger. My mom is amazing when it comes to talking about family gossip, shopping, cooking, and basically anything emotional. My dad is there for intellectual talks. Even if I don’t respond, my dad could sit for a whole hour telling me about why this or that happened in history. It’s all very intriguing. My brother, who’s older than me by 4 years, and I have practically nothing in common. Maybe only that we both come from the same family.

I like to live by the quote, “Carpe Diem,” meaning, “seize the day.” This quote means that you shouldn’t let anything hold you back, and do more than just exist. I believe that things happen for a reason; that it’s more than just coincidence. So even if something wasn’t meant to be, life goes on.

I’d like to add a quote by Michael Scott from The Office:

“There are certain defining moments in a person’s life. The day he’s born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business and the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far to early to tell. All I know is that I’m flying high and I don’t even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it.”

I am a simple human. Emotions shouldn’t make a person, but it’s unlikely that they wouldn’t. I am fear, I am desire, I am anger and I am love. When it’s not emotions that are me, it’s logic. In other words, I am never both. I am someone who keeps friends and family close to heart. I am careless about the careless. I am on a level of self-awareness. I am a daughter to a critical mother and an ignorant father, and a sister to a confused brother. I think that who I am won’t really matter until I’m living on my own, because right now who I am doesn’t come close to who I can be.

My concerns have nothing to do with Baruch College specifically, but of college itself. This is something so new to those who have never done it, and even about three weeks in I feel like I don’t yet belong. My top concern is about just being able to keep up with the work. I don’t want to disappoint my parents or myself by doing poorly. When I feel that I’m getting lazy I remind myself that this is now the real thing. I know that it’s the real thing because in this “real thing” everything costs money, which is another concern. Even though my parents aren’t denying anything yet, I feel bad for making them do this but also feel that I should just get used to all the expenses of college. My third most concern is not having enough time. Time is so ungraspable and so uncontrollable that it flies without warning. If I don’t make the right use of the time that I have, I’m scared that I’ll end up regretting something that I do at Baruch. After being in high school for four years, the pace in college actually isn’t much different. What is different is the freedom. I really love that about college. The individual freedom really gives each student individual responsibilities. We are responsible for our own work, our own timing, our own mistakes. In high school we have to abide to the school’s rules without much flexibility.

This first year of Baruch College will definitely give me more insight of what they call “the real world.” I still live with the parents but I find myself relying on them less and less. I love the city and going to school smack in the middle of it is very intriguing to me. I’m sure to get more acquainted with the surrounding areas as well as the surrounding crowd. I’m hoping to become more comfortable with myself and my time management. Maturity is key and I think that after high school everyone feels a little more mature, so after one year of college it should feel even better. The first year of college will change me in positive ways. Maybe I’ll even stop  picking on my brother, who’s also trying to get his life finally going, but who knows.

Either way, I’ll catch you on the flip side.