Who Are WE? We're PR3!

This is my monologue.  I don’t even know where to begins so I’m gonna break out the freewrites from the past few weeks.  I like doing my hair.  It’s been growing out now but I’m just too lazy to get a haircut.  Actually I wanted to grow it out, I’m inspired to grow out Dumbo’s hair from Poreotics and then dye it blue.  Besides my hair, I like how easily I adapt to stuff.  Tight situations, new happenings, you know, I just adapt to them easier.  I’m determined to reach my goals and I like proving my worth to others, and myself.  I don’t like my attitude sometimes, it’s annoying.  I have a short fuse and I get selfish sometimes.  I like going to church and playing volleyball and taking photos.  And dance, I dance a lot.  I need a job, like really bad.  I’ve been selling all my sneakers for extra spending money.  FAFSA should send me a freaking check already.  And where the hell is my TAP?!  I need that money, seriously.  But yeah, I need a job though so I don’t have to sell any more of my sneakers.  I look up to my sister and my father.  He’s hella inspirational.  The way he cares for me and sister and love the family, I respect that.  I think that’s where I get my optimism from.  My sister knows me better than I know myself, she should write this shit for me.  But yeah, she cares a lot for me too.  She always talk to me about life and unexpectedly buy me things I like, she always know what I like.  I’m afraid of a lot of things.  After watching Let Me In, dark alleys creep me the hell out.  I’m afraid of failing too, it’s just hard to accept.  Like I’m afraid I disappoint people and break promises and stuff.  People have such high expectations of me so I’m afraid of letting them down.  I’m always happy, it’s like I live in Hakuna Matata, you know from Lion King?  It means no worries for the rest of your days, yeah that’s how I live by.  No stress, no worries, always happy.  And hungry, I’m always hungry.  I am happy with making others happy.  If I can make someone else smile, I feel accomplished.  I’m happy with accomplishment too, so it’s a double-win.  Things like finishing a puzzle or solving a hard math equation, I’m happy with the results.  Values are important to me.    My values are like respect, education, and bliss.  My education means better future right?  And living happy is living life.  Worrying is like sitting on a rocking chair, it doesn’t go anywhere but it gives you something to do.  Baruch is hella different than Bronx Science.  I gotta actually do work and pull my own weight.  More parties though, a whole lot more parties.  And the clubs and orgs are pretty cool, especially my Reign Supreme dance crew!  I feel guilty when I’m out with friends and I’m like “Oh yeah, I’m studying” or something to my parents.  That’s messed up.  I don’t do it anymore though, I just tell them that I won’t be home for a while, which is true.  I just realized this monologue has absolutely no transitions from ideas to ideas, it’s just mashing all my freewrites together.  It’s so bad, jeez.  But yeah, college is alright.  I would prefer to go to a dorming school though, commuting makes it feel like high school all over again.  But in college, I gotta manage my time better.  And meet new people.  People might not know this but I consider myself a bit of a loner.  I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.  After I joined the dance crew, I knew they were one of my own.  And my wolf pack, it grew by ten.  There were eleven of us in the wolf pack (like Ocean’s Eleven, haha), I was alone first in the pack, and then my crew mates joined in later.  I like Baruch so far though, hella freedom.  I like going around the campus, but spent hella money on food for lunch each day, damn.  Midterms now though, and that sucks.  That math exam yesterday was really hard.  I hope I got at least a 80 on it.  And this Sociology quiz, FUCK.  I have to put this away now and take this quiz.  Okay, I just finished the quiz, I think I did well.  I better do well, shoot.  I want at least a 3.5 this semester.  I made a wager with Riley that if I do, she’ll get me anything I want.  She’s hella nice to me too, she tutored me for that math exam yesterday.  And I need at least a 3.5 if I want to transfer anyway.  Yeah, sorry Baruch I don’t want to stay here.  Maybe Binghamton or Stony Brook or Buffalo.

I hate my name, every single variation of it. At this point, I think I’ve heard it all. Michael, Mike, Michelle, Mickey, the point is, It’s an instinctive passion of mine to hate common names, especially my own. Really though, Deep down, I think it’s the fact that there are at least five million other Michaels on this planet, which, if you think about it, is about twenty five percent of Australia. I sound like I’m joking right now, I wish I were joking right now, I’m not, I did my homework.  You see, the thing that bothers me is, isn’t it counterproductive to name your children something taken already? Where’s the individuality, where’s the originality? There is none, exactly.

Alright, maybe I came off as too strong. Let me try this again. By now, if you’ve gotten to know me, you know that I’m a cynical, misanthropic person. That’s right, I over examine things and I hate most of the people I meet, It’s a double whammy, and the worst part is, it’s for no reason too! It’s not their problems though, its mine. The thing is, I’ve lived a sheltered life, one that I take for granted, and I don’t have hardships, unless you count breakups, and to be frank, I don’t really like the girls I date either.

I think I drink my own poison in a way. For example, I’m not smart! Everything I’ve achieved up to this point has been on hard work and practice, on me pacing myself and educated guesses on when to quit and when to pool all my efforts in. This is the ironic part. I’ve always hung out with the people that are the exact opposites of me. I’m talking of course, about those people that are so talented, so intelligent, and so useful to society that it spits in the face of the idea that “all were created equal”. If anything, the reason I blend in with that crowd at all is simple; thanks to all that talent, there is no work ethic, there’s no drive! That’s the down side to life being so easy for someone, they get careless. IN a way, it’s my own personal spy game, what’s the main objective? How long I can last without getting caught.

Finally, I’ve joined the Marines.  The thing is, even though I tell myself that it’s for my country, for adventure, for security.  Deep down, I think I joined the Marines because at the end of the day, that’s just it, I’m bored. I don’t feel guilty though, if anything, the only guilt I can feel is the guilt over disappointing my parents. It’s easy to see that they’re disappointed on me; I’m the son who was supposed to become a lawyer, the one who never gave them trouble, who got accepted into all his colleges, who gave them Standardized test scores they could brag about for months, and on and on, They paved a marble road for me, one that will end up leading to the best things life has to offer, Wealth, Family, Power, but most importantly, safety. It sucks having to imagine what it must have been like for them after hearing that I was going to take the road less taken, but I won’t go back, and pretend that the last few months in my life have been a mistake, in a way. That might be my one redeeming virtue; it might be my poison, depending on how you look at it. Either way, my determination and Stubbornness are world class.

There are so many things I’d like to know about myself. And the things that I do, I wish I knew for sure. Because a fact is only a fact if there is known evidence. I’m constantly changing. My opinions, my ideas, my pure knowledge. It’s all kinetic. I am human though, a living, breathing, speaking, walking, and learning human being. With the positive however comes the negative. I fear, I love, I hate, I make good, I do bad, I mess up, and I make right. I know that every action and emotion I go through will be validated by the success I will potentially earn. Earn, not receive. I believe success comes in all forms. Whether comes in a personal, educational, or career sector. This is where I fall short. Each of these types of success brings its successes and fear.

                Personal success to me goes hand in hand with finding your own identity. Something most people go to college to find, and others never find it. I believe in my short 18 years and 7 months I have an idea of who I am. I am a strong willed, hard headed, caring, intelligent young woman who always seeks a challenge for a potential growth. This personality has yielded me to my friends who also make me who I am. Part of each of them lives in me and encourages me to do things that I normally would never do. It does not matter who or what I fear I know that my friends will always persuade me to be a better person. And love….as a wise friend one wrote “love is probably the best invention of voluntary motivation to do anything that comes along.” I know that no matter how badly I may fight with the ones that I love, they are making me a better person deep down inside. Each argument sticks to the back of my mind, correcting my wrong doings. Things like this bridge the gap between my personal and educational life.

                As of this day, my educational and my careers sectors are one in the same. It is MY JOB to go to school; a completely social and educational event. I know at a college level the friends…and enemies I make now will become permanent facets in my life. This is where my fear comes in. My fear to fail always prevails over me, and the fear of leaving this school without any type of lifelong connections. My family has always told me how important these friendships are imperative. So what if I am to make more enemies than friends. What if I leave and cut our time in half. What if what I learn here is different from what I will need to know much later on? It’s all so subject to change. Fearing that if I do poorly in school always pushed me to do more, because in my strong opinion fear facilitates action, no matter what you do. If I feared nothing, nothing would get done. Point blank.

I am an outgoing person and very friendly. I like the way i think outside the box. And my brain seems to remember more random fact than useful ones. I always think about random things because I like to do so much. I love reading books, and video games. Watching the history channel and comedy central. I like to learn as much as possible while relaxing as much as possible. I am a very lazy person and hate school, but I love learning new facts and ideas. My habits and wants are opposites.

There is nothing more frightening than pain. I try my best not to get hurt, in the body, heart and mind. A good way that I empower myself is by helping others. A moment that I felt empowered was when I gave some spare change to an old Chinese woman who was picking up cans. The smile that she gave me made me feel invincible. Later that day, I took the AP Calculus test, and every time I felt uneasy or nervous, I would remember that smile.

My favorite quotation might have come from a bad source, but it helps me get through the hardest times. “There is always something interesting just around the corner” this was said by a character from the anime naruto. In junior high school, I was always a bit ‘emo’ I didn’t know what my purpose for living was. After hearing that quote, I felt that my purpose of living was to find as many interesting things in life as possible. Keep taking risks, and never give up.

I’m sure by now; everyone in this room is familiar with me, Derek. It’s been a little over a month since we’ve all started our college careers together in block 57. At first, I was really skeptic about making friends with everyone. It felt so different from high school, where everyone knew me and I could instantly connect with anyone. I spent the first couple weeks of college just hanging out with Elvin and anyone else I knew from before college. It felt weird just randomly associating with people from my class. But now, it feels completely different. This freshman seminar class really helped me get to know everyone. At first, it was like we were being forced to interact, and that was just awkward. Gradually, it became comfortable.

You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when I found out I was going to Baruch with Elvin, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack… it grew by one. So there… there were two of us in the wolf pack… I was alone first in the pack, and then Elvin  joined in later. And a month ago, when we were first introduced to you guys, I thought, “Wait a second, could it be?” And now I know for sure, I just added twenty more guys to my wolf pack. Twenty of us wolves, running around Baruch together, looking for strippers and cocaine.

Baruch was definitely lacking the homely feeling that I had from high school during the first couple weeks of class. I didn’t know where to go or what to do during my breaks, but that has begun to change. I’m not saying I feel quite at home yet, but I don’t feel like a complete stranger anymore. Naturally, I started bonding with others, and saw how our small “block 57” came together. I know, I don’t get to hang out with you guys much after school, but that’s just because I have to go to work. But the time we do spend together during our free time is pretty cool. I learned that Matt Scott is an awesome math teacher, and I learned more from our small study group than what Professor Miller has taught us the past month. I learned that Andy and Thomas are actually pretty damn good at handball. And I learned that Aleksandra totally wants me (just kidding). All these small things are apart of the college experience that we’re going to look back on ten years from now and really miss. So besides all this Gauss Jordan stuff from calculus and forty page readings about slaves for English, Baruch isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

Born and raised in liberal New York City to conservative parents who emigrated from India, I am someone who is constantly evaluating everything around me to define what my personal values are. Of course, it’s not nearly over yet as I still have much to explore about myself and my world, but right now, I’m chillen.

I came to realize that I’m extremely liberal, which is not unusual in this city. Throughout high school, my little self-discovery missions resulted in my desiring more independence from my restrictive parents. I prefer a resource-based economy to the monetary system the world is now committed to. I highly support cannabis legalization and gay marriage, and I’m pro-choice. Therefore, I’m no longer a Catholic.

I’m mad blunt. I say things as they are and don’t hesitate to question myself if I know doing so will allow me to learn something new. I like debating with people smarter than myself, and I especially like to prove people wrong when they are arrogantly ignorant, though not as much as I like to teach something to someone who’s willing and grateful to be educated, as that just sends good vibes, and I love good vibes. I don’t judge on first impressions, and I respect privacy and secrets. I don’t really get offended by anything. If I had to pick a political party, I’d be a Democrat who opposes big government.

I like to research and discuss social issues. I have a lot to say about a lot of things, and of course my views are dynamic – dependent on evidence and conclusive reports, along with personal experience if it is relevant to the topic. That means there’s the potential for my views to drastically alter, because it’s important for me to stay open-minded. I’m just mad real, yo. Peace&Love, take care.

Sife, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness

-They’re asking you a question

-Oh, right… Uhm, do you remember what they asked?

-You’re hopeless.

-I know… So are you going to tell me?

-They want you to reveal something about yourself.

-Like what?

-How am I supposed to know, make something up.

-You know you’re a lot of help.

-I try.

“Hello. My name is Matt Scott. “

–That was very revealing.

-Shut up, I’m trying.

-Not succeeding…

“I grew up in a small town, the kind of town where everybody knew your secrets, and gossip was the major form of entertainment.”

–That’s getting there. Talk about yourself though not the town. You’ll put them to sleep

-You know you’re awfully critical for someone that isn’t helping.

-….

“Seeing how everybody knew everybody, the entire town had opinions on each and every resident, myself included. Somehow everybody starting thinking that I am destined for great things, and started dreaming things for me that I myself never dared of dreaming for myself. If you ask the people from my village (because we don’t have enough people to actually be classified as a town) they would tell you that I have the ability to cure cancer, end world hunger, and establish world peace if only I had the mind for it. You can imagine the affect this has had on me. Most people have just the expectations of their parents and close family members or friends resting on their shoulders, I have an entire village. Like Atlas, I fear I will buckle under the enormous weight, letting a village’s worth of expectancy crumble. To disappoint those who lost their own dreams, and found them again in me was to accept the fact that dreams can never come true, and that isn’t a possibility.”

-Wow, that’s more like it.

-Thanks

“There’s more to me than just expectations though. I mean, in the end I’m just another stupid human.”

–Well at least you got one thing right.

-No one is asking you.

“But the end doesn’t matter. It’s what you do with the time you have that counts, and I plan on making every second count. I may have started off as a one man wolf pack, but I plan on ending as part of something bigger.”

-Did you really just make a “Hangover” reference?

-Yes, yes I did.

-Nice.

“The thing that I believe makes me different from most people is the manner in which I think.”

-If people knew how you thought they’d think you’re crazy.

-Well thank God they can’t hear this conversation

“I’ve found that the great majority of people think along the same lines. That is, they see a problem, and they look for the obvious answer. I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with this, in fact I sometimes feel as if it’s the better way to think. I have the phenomenal ability to overcomplicate everything. But occasionally this helps me arrive at a better solution in the end, even though it’s a very unclear route how I arrived there.”

-You’re losing them again, stop bragging.

-I’m not bragging, it’s an observation.

“What is most important to me though are my values. If I didn’t have those I’d be nobody. It these little things that make up who and what I am. They are the pieces that make up the puzzle of Matt Scott. I won’t go into details, because we’ll be here all day. But here are a few, take from them what you want: You can’t let other people tell you who to be, live for yourself so that in the end the only person responsible for your mistakes is you. Don’t let people get you down, if you let the bad make an impact, you won’t notice the good. And have fun, you only live once, so don’t let embarrassment or fear stand in the way of what you want to do.”

-Do you think that’s revealing enough for them?

-I think that’ll do. Bravo.

My dad has been a role model throughout my life. However, there are times, when I just can’t stand his lecture, especially during dinner time. I mean, come on, I’m trying to enjoy my meal here. He always repeats the same stuff every time, over and over. I decided to just ignore him, but In order to prevent him from become upset; I just nod my head and pretend that I’m listening. But I can tell, by the look of his face, he is so not buying it. Sometime, I just wish the phone would ring or just anything, as long as it would stop him from yapping at me. I’m just going nod that head of mines and finish my dinner as quick as possible so I can return to my room and be free and peaceful.

Here I am, in college. It seems like it should be some life changing event, and in some ways it is but yet I’m still myself. I am a hardworking and a success driven girl and I will do what needs to be done when it needs to be done no matter what. I have a really strong pride in my ability to multi task: my school, work, family, friends; I like the adrenaline that I get from being on a tight schedule, deadlines work for me because they give me structure. Excuses don’t fly with me, if I need to get something done; it will get done no matter if I’m sick, or if there’s a hurricane outside. I have this sick need to succeed in the things I do. My education and my family are the most important things in my life. These two building blocks shape and guide my progression. There’s a saying that you have to surround yourself with positive people, but believe me, my family is not positive. There isn’t a quiet moment in my house, and that works for me. My friends are no different, they are all loud and obnoxious but I love them and they wouldn’t be my friends if I didn’t. I said that I was driven by the need to succeed, but I’m not afraid of being unsuccessful, I’m afraid of letting down the people closest to me such as my family. Their support and their confidence in me scare me a little because if I let them down that wouldn’t work. Their support in my goals and aspirations empowers me. It gives me a feeling of achievement. I also get that feeling when I actually accomplish something, whether it is a good grade, or doing something good at work or beating my brother at basketball. Basketball and SING used to be an important part of my life, my social life revolved around my teams and that’s the core of my friend base from High school. But I see them less and less as we grow more assimilated into our own college experiences and I fear that I will lose those friendships which took years to form and held up through so much. College is a whole new thing for me, and it’s a little difficult that I don’t always know where I am going or where I am suppose to go. I’m taking it slower and I think that’s okay. When I’m comfortable enough with the technical parts of college, like classes, I will get deeper into the college social life. I’m excited for it and to really continue to develop myself and meet new people and find new interests. I think that all of those opportunities are open and that’s a great feeling to have.  Time is my biggest problem, there just isn’t enough of it to go around and I don’t think I can make more time, but I can figure out ways to use it well. What needs to stay in there is time for fun, time to do things that I actually like doing: going to the gym or watching a movie. I don’t want to lose myself, I want to live my life and I want to succeed in doing it. It’s a tall order, and I might fail at it, but I will keep trying and hoping that the next experience will be better. I live my life by the notion that “what goes around, comes around”, I do good things to people and I hope that good things will happen to me. A pet peeve is my inability to control things like peoples actions. All I can do is play my part and hope that everything else will fall into place. For that reason I am super crazy about the things that I can control, if it will give a better chance than I’ll take it. I don’t know what sense I made just now, and I cannot try to summarize this train of thought. But that’s me and that’s the only person I can be- “believe in yourself and all that you are.
know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle.”



I’m a naturally shy and quiet individual.  The thing I like most about myself is that I’m an honest, genuine person and if I care about you, it won’t be hard to figure out, the same goes for if I don’t particularly like you.  Another thing I like is that I’ll always be myself and that I won’t change for the approval of anyone.  One of my qualities that I’m not all that fond of is my laziness; it tends to prevent me from doing as well as I could.  Procrastination has never helped me and though it has developed into a habit, I know I can change it.  Another bad habit I have is that in order for me to do well, I usually have to do bad first before I have a motive to do well.

The most important things in my life are family and friends because I know I can always rely on them or confide in them whenever I have a problem.  Besides my family and friends, music and sports, in particular basketball has a big impact on who I am.  I watch games whenever they’re on and play in the park when I have time.  Music is sort of my escape from everything because it helps me relax and focus.

What I’m afraid of most is losing the things I care about most because when you really care about something, you develop an attachment that is nearly impossible to let go.  To me, losing something I care about is like losing apart of yourself, so that is why my personal motto is to “Cherish the moments that make you happy.” My mentality is that if there’s no happiness in life what else is there to live for.  Without happiness all that’s left is pain, regret, and sorrow.