Freshman Seminar 2011: CFA

I want to talk about fear in general and my specific fears but before I talk about that what is fear? Fear is defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. The key words here are caused by the belief because that implies that if you can train yourself to perceive all situations without fear than in essence fear does not exist. Just an interesting point!

My fears have been fluctuating over the course of this semester and I realized that I am afraid of new experiences, fearing that I might fail or not handle the situation correctly. I was scared of taking the Subway in the beginning of the semester because in the past I have only taken City Bus to school and this was a new experience for me. I was specifically scared of taking the wrong subway and not getting off at the right stops. I resolved this fear by taking the subway every day since this semester has started so now I am comfortable taking the Subway. My current fears are failing exams, getting bad grades, and ultimately not being able to get a job. I need to work on editing goals for myself so that even if my fears come true I can set new goals and hopefully eliminate fear from my life.

Following the majority of monologues, I’m going to talk about my fear.

I’m here at Baruch because it’s a good school, it’s in the heart of the city, it’s my home.  As many already know, Baruch is a business school, and I am here to be an accountant.  Let me be honest, accounting is not what I want to do for the rest of my life, not even close.  I want to be a writer, the next Edgar Allan Poe, the female version that is.  I don’t want to do math, or business, I don’t want to do five years of schooling only to take orders from someone who thinks that they’re better than me.  I want to write.  I want to write poems, short stories, novellas.  I want to be recognized for my creativity and the way people can relate to my work, not because of the way I crunch numbers and how fast I can add 42 to 58 and divide by 10.

And that brings me to my fear.  I want to be recognized, I want to be liked.  But not really as a person, for those of you who are in my classes, I’m usually in the back keeping to myself.  I couldn’t care less about how people view me as a person, but as a writer, as a creator, as an artist, well that’s a different story.  It’s hard to have two different opinions, “Wow, you’re a great writer!  Show me more?” or “This needs a lot of work, this isn’t close to what was needed to be done,” because I never know who to believe.  To have someone pick apart your work and treat you as if you are something off their shoe, it’s depressing.  It doesn’t matter that I’ve won a writing contest, that I’ve been asked to compose a compilation of my poems and short stories, the words of those who degrade my work will forever be in my mind, it’ll be who defines me.

So why am I at Baruch?  Baruch, for the most part, isn’t for creative writers.  If one goes to Baruch, chances are they are going for business, which is what I am doing.  In accounting, someone’s not going to degrade my work, telling me that it’s not creative enough.  It’s simply whether or not my math is correct.   I can take it if someone tells me that I messed up what 20 x 43 is but for someone to tell me that my creative outlet isn’t good enough for them, makes me not want to write anymore.

Everyone has a subject that they just can’t understand. No matter how hard they try, they just can’t comprehend it. For me its math. From graphs to equations, it just draws blanks from me. I for the life of me cannot understand math concepts unless I have it drilled into my head continually by friends who actually know what they’re doing, unlike some teachers I used to have. Some of them would teach so fast that by the time I get my mind around one mathematical concept, the teacher is light years away on some other chapter. Plus I only understand the basic ideas and am unable to venture into it’s more complicated territory. I won’t even remember it for long either, especially those god awful formulas with their x’s and y’s and every other alphabet that exists. And numbers. Those bloody numbers.  It’s always been my downfall. In school I’d do decently in my other classes yet my grades are always pulled down by god damn math. I suppose I can always say that its hereditary since my family isn’t really known for their exemplary math prowess but its really just a subject that I can’t fully grasp no matter how hard I try. If I were to get dramatic about this, I’d say that math is the bane of my life. It is a cruel and sadistic overlord that occasionally shows me unexpected kindness. Its a love-hate relationship. I hate it until I understand it, then I love it but some hate still lurks around waiting to dominate as it almost always does. I guess a repeated, short lived infatuation is a better way to describe it and it’s almost masochistic really. I suffer through it because its so fascinating when I finally understand it. It pains me but I keep coming back for more and I hate it. If I could, I’d avoid it all together to save myself from imminent failure but unfortunately I can’t. I wouldn’t say I have the same problems in other subjects though, except science, but that’s a whole other quandary that I have to cry over. I mean, give me an essay to write, I’ll have the whole outline laid out in my head within 5 minutes. Give me a complicated math question to solve, I’ll stare blankly at it for 30 minutes before concocting some b.s. formula to solve it. I really envy those who can look at the same question that gives me such headaches and go “wow that’s easy” and solve it within 2 minutes. It really boggles the mind how they can look at such complex problems and solve it so easily without succumbing to mind numbing frustration. But after years of struggling in math, I’ve learned to just accept my failures. For example: say I were to bomb my history test, I’d be pretty disappointed. But if it was my math test, then I’d just shrug and think oh well I saw this coming anyways. Then I’d look around and see other students hanging their heads in shame and find comfort in the fact that I’m not alone in this.

A simple little girl
Living in a simple big city
In a simple ginormous world
Creative and passionate, with
Endless possibilities

Zipped into her own imagination
Enjoying every bit of life
Never giving up, never saying never
Gaining knowledge of all there is to know

I LIKE a lot of things.
I LIKE rice pudding,
I LIKE red velvets,
I LIKE ice cream,
I LIKE food.

I LIKE  a lot of things.
I LIKE beaches,
I LIKE movies,
I LIKE parks,
I LIKE fun.

I LIKE  a lot of things.
I LIKE country,
I LIKE R&B,
I LIKE jazz,
I LIKE music.

I LIKE  a lot of things.
I LIKE badminton,
I LIKE dodge ball,
I LIKE running,
I LIKE sports.

I LIKE  a lot of things.
I LIKE penguins,
I LIKE dogs,
I LIKE cows,
I LIKE animals.

I LIKE life.

i hate clowns and dolls, i think they are disgusting
they scare me a lot too
clowns with ridiculous huge red noses for no reason
and big shoes…when i’m pretty sure they have small feet.
and what’s with the ugly outfits?
i mean even a hippo can dress better than that
i tried to google search on how they looked like because i forgot the image of them
and out popped a white faced clown with a huge receding hair line,
along with a red afro-like type of hair
they can’t even put makeup on properly
sometimes i want to smack the person who created the idea of clowns
when i was little, i watched scary movie 2 with the clown in it
and it was just sitting on a rocking chair, but later on the scene it shows that the clown is gone.
after that movie, i am convinced that clowns are horrifying.
and the deal with dolls?
one word: chucky.
i despise that movie
i am utterly convinced that dolls are alive
yes, even in the morning, they are watching you…
waiting to strike you at night.
i also think barbies are serial killers
i think of them as jealous women waiting to kill their next victim
i also watched this move called toy soldiers
it had action figures and dolls coming alive to fight each other…
i kind of thought it was dumb
when i was in the 3rd grade, i won a barbie doll
i was pretty happy with it, or at least tried to be
every night while i slept i was paranoid that the barbie would come into my bed and somehow kill me with a tiny knife
after a few days i couldn’t take the suspense anymore
and i ripped the barbie’s head off, placed it in a garbage can in the kitchen
then i threw the rest of what was left of the barbie in a separate trash can
you never know if barbies can walk and try to attach their head again
yeah…i hate them that much.
the rest of my toys that resembled like dolls were also thrown away
they are creepy and not entertaining at all
p.s. if you have any dolls, you’re pretty much done for

One of the free write questions was to describe a time when I felt empowered. My freshman year of high school my sister had told me to join an activity called SING. She told me that I would love it and that I would meet new people. I figured if she loved it I might as well give it a shot. For those of you who may not know what SING is, let me explain. SING is a competition between the freshmen and the sophomores, known as sophmen sing, the juniors, and the seniors. It is a student run show that lasts for 50 minutes and usually contains about nine songs that are rewritten to fit the theme of the show. The script director, the person who writes the show and the songs, picks the theme with the other directors and works from there. My freshman and sophomore years I was in the chorus, which pretty much means I jumped around on stage and sang as loud as I possibly could. My sophomore year was a complete disaster. Our show was the definition of terrible and it was twenty minutes of the chorus pretty much jumping in circles. We were the joke of SING. It was then that I decided that I wanted to give script writing a shot. After weeks of debating with myself I went and signed my name to the candidate list. I honestly never thought I would get it but a few days later positions went up and there was my name. I was the new junior sing script director. Writing the script was not easy but it was definitely worth it. After our final show the art and theater teachers were telling my grade how amazing our show was and that we deserved to win. My show. They thought the show that I had written deserved to win. It was incredible. Being the script director gave me so much responsibility. It was up to me to create the story, write the songs in the show, select a cast, and then do everything I could to make my script come to life. It was intimidating at times, knowing that everyone counted on me to keep things together, but I loved every minute of it. SING was definitely an experience I will never forget. Our show lost and while it was incredibly disheartening not being able to hold the trophy I took away so much more from the experience. I was able to create a show that people enjoyed. I was someone that my fellow directors looked to for guidance. The friendships that I made, the memories, and the show in its entirety were better than any trophy I could have gotten. To watch our grade go from the biggest joke to actual competition, and knowing that I had a large part in it, was an accomplishment on its own. SING will forever be the best part of my high school experience and I will never forget it.

Fear. Its often something that is inevitable. Even if we feel fearless and dominant against the world, the truth is we all have underlying fear. Whether it be a fear of an animal or inanimate object, we all have them. Growing up, my list of fears went on for days. Some of them including my fear of spiders, midgets, scary movies, looped roller coasters, sleeping in the dark, the Easter bunny, and so many more. Even though I may still be afraid of most of the things on this list, a few new fears have been added on.

Upon attending Baruch College, I was so excited and thrilled to start a new chapter in my life… until college actually began. I then realized that there’s so much in the real world that I don’t think I’m ready for yet; I realized, I’m afraid of growing up. When I was younger, so many people would ask me “ What do you want to be when you grow up?” My response: a princess, but unfortunately for me that’s impossible. But now after many years of maturing, I know that during my time here at Baruch, I need to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life and it’s terrifying. All my previous decisions seem irrelevant compared to deciding my career and future. Do I really want to sit in a cubicle all day crunching numbers? Will I be good at my job? Will I like what I’m doing? What if I never get hired by a major corporation? These questions haunt me almost everyday. I know my future is important and how I perform in college is crucial to whether or not I will be successful. But what if I don’t succeed in college?

For me, high school was a breeze. I didn’t study to my fullest potential, but still managed to do above average. Some of my high school accomplishments include Honor Roll, National Honor Society, and 3 Prestigious Awards at Graduation. After my successful completion of high school, I’m afraid I won’t be as good of a student at Baruch. With college comes a lot of work, and studying. The question is, can I handle it? I know things won’t be handed to me, and if I don’t study, I will fail. The hardest part about college is knowing that these 4 years determine whether or not I can handle the real world. There’s a constant pressure to succeed in college. One mistake and my future could take a turn for the worst. Will I crack under the pressure?

Independence. At some point, we all have to learn to be on our own. We all have to learn to do things independently and not rely on others to help us with our burdens. When I think about it sometimes, freedom sounds awesome. I get to make my own rules, and live life the way I want to, without any hesitation. I could make my own decisions, without the influence of others. I get to stay up as late as I want to, without getting questioned by my dad. I can even eat junk food for dinner. But on the other hand, I realize it will be just me against the world. I’ll be completely independent. I’ll be living alone. My work load will have to be completed without the assistance of others. Just Me, all the time. I’ll have, what feels like, the weight of the world on my shoulders and for that, I’m terrified.

Personally I think I’m a nobody, I’m still 17 and haven’t achieved much so there’s no need for me to be too big for my britches or whatever that saying is. I’d like to do something with my life and hopefully achieve noteriety while I’m still young enough to enjoy it, but as it stands now I don’t have anything that defines me aside from an obsessive interest in anything and everything drug-related (especially pharmaceuticals).  I’d like to say I’m concerned with keeping up with my work during my first year at Baruch, but seeing as how this blog is already over a week late, not to mention the other work I still havent got on top of, maybe I should get working on that… Unfortunately going to school in the city has proven to be quite a hassle, I wish I at least lived closer to school but have to travel for more than an hour every morning is a pain, I’m starting to think I should’ve enrolled in CSI instead. Also finding a job seems to be quite a bit harder than I thought, because of this oh so ingenious block system I have to wait until next semester to have a better schedule that gives me time to work during the week. I dont see college as that much different from high school, besides the rediculous price-tag attached to my so-called “higher education.” I thought that once I got into college I might find something I’d want to pursue in a career, but so far my first year of college has only made me want to drop out and find work in a construction union or something like that. The more I go to classes the more I want to find work outside of the system or business sector, whatever you want to call it.

Early in September my mom told me to buy a planner. I was all like nahh mom I’m just gonna memorize my assignments like I did in high school. Here I am working on a post that was due last week… I now own a planner. Should’ve listened to my mom from the start but I’m 18 years old and am always right, right? I like sports, and my music. No specific genre for me. I’ll listen to anything from Kanye West to Skrillex, basically anything that I think sounds good. Ever since I was 7 my life has revolved around hockey. On weekends I was at the rink killing myself trying to help my team win even if it meant taking a puck to the face. Holidays were usually spent far away on tournaments; money was spent on new equipment. It takes a lot of time and dedication to play hockey. It has also helped to shape me into the person that I am today. Tell me I can’t do something and I’ll try and prove you wrong. This is the competitive edge that I gained from playing hockey. I focused almost all of my energy on this sport especially during the last four years of my life and I think that is the reason I did not have the best grades in high school. Even though going pro would have been a dream come true, it is time to realize that was not the path for me. I had a fun childhood playing but school is now my number one priority. Wow I just got deep on you there, time to change the topic.
My biggest concern right now has to be time management. With such a heavy workload I need to be on top of things. Unfortunately I am a well-practiced procrastinator. My logic is usually “I’ll wait till later cause I need to eat and then rest my mind before I can concentrate” night comes and I say “well, after the (Met, Ranger, or Giant) game I should have enough time if I stay up till midnight and study on the bus” after the game I realize the only possible chance of me finishing all my work is to pull an all-nighter.
Commuting has been a big issue for me. When I talk to my friends who dorm at other schools they tell me how they can wake up 15 minutes before class and get there on time. Meanwhile I have to give myself at least an hour 45 just to be safe because you never know when there’s going to be traffic or what not. I just hate how much of my time is wasted sitting on a bus, standing on a train, or waiting for the ferry. All of this wasted time can go towards sleep which I don’t get enough of anymore.
My third concern would have to be networking. This may be more of a challenge to some then it is to others. For me personally, I’m not afraid to admit that I can be a little shy at first but once you get to know me you’ll see that I am a kind person and even funny at times.
Right now the biggest differences for me between high school and college are the commute which I talked about earlier, the work load, and the freedom that I now have. I have definitely already done more work this year then all of last year as a senior. And no matter how much time and effort I’m putting in, I still feel like I am falling behind. At least I am finally out of the catholic school system once again. I don’t think I could stand another year of wearing a uniform and following all of their pointless little rules. Overall Baruch has not been bad at all but it would be perfect if it had a hockey team.
I am hoping that my first year in college will help me figure out what I want to major in. This is something that has been on my mind for quite some time now and I am still not 100% on what I want to do. I find this process very scary because it’s really important to me that I choose a cool career that I enjoy… ohh yeah and makes a lot of money too. Aight time for me to do some math homework. -_-

Who I am
My name is Julia Paternoster, I’m 18 and I’ve lived in queens my entire life. I went to a catholic high school called St.Francis Prep and I absolutely loved it. If I was asked the question who do I think I am about 5 months ago, the answer would be all about volleyball, I was the captain of my high school team and all four years we never lost a game. But since I’m all grown up and in college i have to stop pretending I’m still in high school. so basically now I’m boring and don’t do anything productive. I work in soho at a doctors office which is great cause i go in whenever i want to and they don’t care about anything <3.  Besides that I’m an aunt to the cutest 3 children alive and i love them to death. Im a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, a really good friend, and i usually keep to myself with people i don’t know… unless I’m making some sarcastic comment that i can not hold in.

3 Concerns

1. One of the biggest concern i have about my freshman year is the fact that it takes me an hour and a half to get to school everyday… and that one day i will just decide i don’t want to do it anymore. I take a bus and two trains to get in and it usually doesn’t bother me at all but I’m concerned that when there is a massive snow storm and the gems of baruch don’t close school… that i won’t come in at all and continue to not come until all the snow is gone.
2. my second concern is that i will spend too many nights like tonight… taking 6 hour naps… watching hours of tv…eating everything in my house… basically anything i can think of to not do school work. When i know nothing is due the next day i don’t catch up on things that i should probably be preparing for, even when i tell myself i should be doing it… i just physically cannot do it.
3. my last concern is…. uhhm… failing math. I’ve always had 95 averages in math and that is the only thing I’m good at but my math class now is just impossible to me. i do not have any interest in it at all and its a problem.