Author Archives: jessica.wu4

I am defined by my words, because it is hard to do as I say, and not as hard to do as I do.

I fear disappointment–not disappointing others–but disappointing myself. Failing. I set goals for myself, not for anyone else. If I don’t reach my own expectations, then what is my worth but an empty human casing with others’ standards filling me only halfway up? By those means, I am not creating my individual; I am creating some individual with some expectations of another man’s universe. I know my own worth, and it’s heavy when I fail to reach it.
I value morals. And I value values. My morals and my values make me who I am. Who I am does not define my values and morals, however. When it comes down to it, I am aware and understanding of change, and I adapt fairly consistently to my surroundings. What was once “me” may not be me later. But I still maintain values. Changing values? Sure. But values nonetheless.

I have passions, and I have dislikes. I have hobbies, and I have my time to relax. I know when I want to try, and I know when I don’t. My priorities may be screwed up in your eyes, but in mine, they’re perfectly fine. I wear what I want to wear, and sometimes I feel like wearing sweat pants—especially on Mondays, because I hate Mondays just as much as I hate writing ten page essays about topics I’m not in the least bit interested in.

It is not as easy to define me in words as it is by my actions as I often do not think before I speak nor do I think before I do. I am me, and “me” is a rather complex term to define both in words and actions. Because I do what I want, but do not always say what I want. But what I want may be better understood through my words.

Today I am me, and tomorrow I am still me. But tomorrow, I will be the same me with different values and understandings; different actions and passions; different morals and different clothes. But I am still me.

I stand at 5’8″–not your typical Taiwanese girl. I play volleyball at Baruch College, and I guess that qualifies me to be somewhat coordinated. I enjoy thinking deeply about topics that I am passionate about, but over these past couple of months, I have yet to have found something I am truly interested in–a lack of inspiration, as some would call it. I care about a lot of people, but it is extremely difficult for me to become attached. That can be viewed as both a vice and a beneficial characteristic, but either way, I’m happy the way I am.
My first concern about freshman year at Baruch is time management. Since I am playing volleyball while attending school as a full-time student, I have to learn how to better coordinate my schedule so that I have the ability to finish everything in a timely manner. My second concern would be understanding all the material being taught in each class. Unlike high school, I am now an independent person, living life according to my own agenda. However, as I have learned, such freedom comes with greater responsibility. Instead of teachers asking if I understand certain material, I have to go and ask them. I have to become accustomed to such independence. And lastly, my third concern is keeping focus on my academic work more than I do my athletic work.
Going from high school to college has become a life-changing experience. Not only am I on the other side of the United States, I have an entirely new life with new people in it. College, as I’ve written before, requires a lot more independence. No one is there to babysit students to get good grades or do homework, and that, in itself, is one of the wildest differences I’m attempting to overcome as a freshman at Baruch.
My first year of college should transform me into someone more organized. Hopefully, I’ll learn to not procrastinate and to become more on-top with my academic learning. I am as excited to be a college student as anyone at Baruch is, and I look forward to growing and expanding my horizons more as I continue my student life.