The 20’s are the years where most young adults are trying to find themselves, graduate college and step into the real world. But for 22-year-old Sabina Uddin, the only child born to Bengali immigrants Abush and Shereen Uddin, graduating in two months gives her no excitement. That same excitement that she should have in accomplishing a major life goal is instead shared among her parents who have arranged her marriage, all against her will.
Arranged marriages are a common practice in the Bengali-American community. The bride is usually chosen for the prospective groom by his family and in cases like Uddin’s, a groom may be chosen for a Bengali woman. The parents of prospective brides or grooms set out to find their child’s respective counterparts. Brides are to be of equal social status and lesser age. In Bengali tradition, when it comes to marriage, it should be a match between the two in financial matters, educational level and religious beliefs. But often times, that is not the case.
In many unfortunate cases, Bengali men living in the United States are forced to marry women back in Bangladesh and the fact that the man is a U.S. citizen promises enhanced opportunities for the couple in the eyes of the bride’s family. This promise correlates to greed. For Uddin however, the roles are reversed. “I don’t even know his name. All I know is that he barely has an education. He works in a farm and his family is poor and this marriage is supposed to get him access to citizenship in this country so he can provide for his family back home and eventually bring them here too,” said Uddin.
In Bengali culture, marriage is more of a civil contract rather than a religious sacrament in Islam. “Being married in the Bengali community really means the interests of the families involved are more important rather than the two people who are supposed to spend the rest of their lives together,” said Uddin. Uddin goes on to explain that the bride’s worth is acknowledged when she gives birth—but only if the newborn is a boy.
“Bengali women are taught to act shy around men and their elders. It is engraved in their minds that their job is to cook, clean the house and serve their husbands,” said Uddin. “Marrying this guy will turn me into the typical stereotypical Bengali woman, and since I was old enough to understand the degrading role of women in this culture, I knew I wanted to break away from that stereotype,” added Uddin.
While arranged marriages are still the predominant custom in Bangladesh, this practice is slowly changing in the United States, where dating and individual choices are becoming slightly acceptable. “Recently there have been more and more couples who are both from Bangladesh who are getting married by their own choice of partner,” says Rashiq Gulshang, an Imam who lives in Ozone Park, where many Bengali-Americans live. “But I have yet to see a couple where one person is not Bengali or Muslim. It has been a belief for so long that you should only marry within Islam and with someone who is from Bangladesh. It may be okay for people from other countries and religions to marry outside of their race and religion but in Islam it really is not,” says Gulshang.
“I have so many Bengali friends and cousins who are dating people who are not Muslim or from Bangladesh and they have to hide it from their parents and families,” says Uddin. Many young Bengalis hide their dating life from their families out of fear of disapproval from their families. The promise of a future becomes an issue for couples when one of them is Bengali to do cultural and societal barriers that he or she has to face. “I know so many couples who dated for years and suddenly broke up because the Bengali guy or girl wasn’t ready to tell his or her parents about their non-brown boyfriend or girlfriend. It was like, damn, it’s so sad that race and religion seem to dominate love because of how old-fashioned our parents are,” says Uddin.
Although Gulshang does not necessarily support marriage outside of Islam being that he has lived his whole life through the religion, he believes that this generation of young adults will break the mold and change the culture of marriage in the Bengali-American culture. “The generation that forces arranged marriage is getting old and the newer generations are starting to take over. I already see a change in some aspects of the Bengali culture and I won’t be surprised if one day I am asked to marry two young adults where one of them does not rely his or her faith in Islam,” says Gulshang.
