This is such a sweet story! I’m a sucker for romance so I definitely enjoyed reading this. I like how you went through the events of that one night in detail and then explained how it changed your life. And I especially love how you managed to connect an event like the Great Depression to this experience–pretty clever.
The main message that I got from this was that we tend to find love when we least expect it. We can never be sure how or when it will happen, but for these reasons we should be open to taking changes–just like you did in your story. You also made it pretty clear that we should all prepare ourselves for love to pop up at any moment. You did a great job of getting these ideas across. I can see that you tried to connect this positive experience to a pretty depressing historical moment, and I like how you compared poverty to being “rich on love.” Although that’s a nice touch, I think that your piece would be just as strong without mentioning the Great Depression. Your main message would still be clear to readers.
The sequence of events were great, and that kept me reading. There were great details too, but I feel like there could be a little more. For example, what does this guy look like? Or, if you can remember, what was he wearing that night? These little things would help me to better visualize the scene you wrote about in this draft.
Your tone here is very relaxed and you sound genuine. As I read, it sounded like you were writing by ear so I could almost hear you telling this story with a Spanish accent. Here’s an example: “He told me about his life, where he work and where he live. He said that he live in Miller place. I asked where it is. He said that Miller place is in long island exit 63 of the Long Island Express Way.” It read exactly like something I would hear in a casual conversation, so I would definitely say that your writing is alive.
Here is one part I think could be written more effectively: “I took the change, he took the change and I invited you to take that change too and fail in love. Be preparing because love could be anywhere and could appear unexpectedly.” For me, this was the purpose of your story, or the one thing you wanted readers to take from your draft. Besides a few grammatical errors, I think that these two lines can be reworded and condensed into one powerful sentence. It would sound much clearer to the reader.
I really like your essay. It’s such a sweet story and it just cheered me up when I read it. Your voice in this piece is so clear, it’s almost as if you’re actually here telling me the story in person.
You got your point that love can happen anytime and anywhere and that you should take chances when they present themselves clearly across. Connecting the recession and Great Depression to your story was an interesting touch but ultimately one you could leave out of the final piece. It does give an interesting perspective but I think overall in a story like this one that is very upbeat and happy connecting a sad event to it weakens the piece somehow.
In your cover letter you mentioned that you’d like to improve your grammar and in turn your writing. I think that it’s important to improve your grammar, especially when doing formal business style writing, but when it comes to a very personal piece like this one the way you write the sentences, even the grammar errors, give it life in a way that wouldn’t be there if it was written with perfect grammar. You wrote this the same way you speak and it makes it that much more powerful in my opinion.
I really love your piece and am excited about the final draft.
Hi Jessica,
This is such a sweet story! I’m a sucker for romance so I definitely enjoyed reading this. I like how you went through the events of that one night in detail and then explained how it changed your life. And I especially love how you managed to connect an event like the Great Depression to this experience–pretty clever.
The main message that I got from this was that we tend to find love when we least expect it. We can never be sure how or when it will happen, but for these reasons we should be open to taking changes–just like you did in your story. You also made it pretty clear that we should all prepare ourselves for love to pop up at any moment. You did a great job of getting these ideas across. I can see that you tried to connect this positive experience to a pretty depressing historical moment, and I like how you compared poverty to being “rich on love.” Although that’s a nice touch, I think that your piece would be just as strong without mentioning the Great Depression. Your main message would still be clear to readers.
The sequence of events were great, and that kept me reading. There were great details too, but I feel like there could be a little more. For example, what does this guy look like? Or, if you can remember, what was he wearing that night? These little things would help me to better visualize the scene you wrote about in this draft.
Your tone here is very relaxed and you sound genuine. As I read, it sounded like you were writing by ear so I could almost hear you telling this story with a Spanish accent. Here’s an example: “He told me about his life, where he work and where he live. He said that he live in Miller place. I asked where it is. He said that Miller place is in long island exit 63 of the Long Island Express Way.” It read exactly like something I would hear in a casual conversation, so I would definitely say that your writing is alive.
Here is one part I think could be written more effectively: “I took the change, he took the change and I invited you to take that change too and fail in love. Be preparing because love could be anywhere and could appear unexpectedly.” For me, this was the purpose of your story, or the one thing you wanted readers to take from your draft. Besides a few grammatical errors, I think that these two lines can be reworded and condensed into one powerful sentence. It would sound much clearer to the reader.
Great first draft!
-Nakeisha
Hi Jessica,
I really like your essay. It’s such a sweet story and it just cheered me up when I read it. Your voice in this piece is so clear, it’s almost as if you’re actually here telling me the story in person.
You got your point that love can happen anytime and anywhere and that you should take chances when they present themselves clearly across. Connecting the recession and Great Depression to your story was an interesting touch but ultimately one you could leave out of the final piece. It does give an interesting perspective but I think overall in a story like this one that is very upbeat and happy connecting a sad event to it weakens the piece somehow.
In your cover letter you mentioned that you’d like to improve your grammar and in turn your writing. I think that it’s important to improve your grammar, especially when doing formal business style writing, but when it comes to a very personal piece like this one the way you write the sentences, even the grammar errors, give it life in a way that wouldn’t be there if it was written with perfect grammar. You wrote this the same way you speak and it makes it that much more powerful in my opinion.
I really love your piece and am excited about the final draft.
Iordan Konarski