Dear Reader,
Finally I composed the first draft for my final essay. As I call it a lyric essay, I wanted to use more lyrical words throughout the whole essay. But it’s tough for me. I had difficulties finding the right words for the right situations and scenes. I always have this problem. During all the writings that I have been doing for this class, I came to realize that words are most important in any kind of writing. Words convey what as a writer I want to say, and what I want my readers to understand out of the essay. As a result, I am going to pay more attention on choosing right words from now on. I will work on vocabularies.
In my proposal, I named my lyric essay, “Seven Colors of Butterflies.” That was my first thought towards the essay. However, it totally transformed into a new one because I personally believe what message I want to get across doesn’t quietly reflect on the proposed title. Consequently, I changed it to, “Wishing for A Rainbow.’’ This new title holds the theme of my thoughts. Please accept my wish for a rainbow.
Now I am publishing it and looking forward to have your comments on it. I will try my best to refine it most based on your comments, because I believe in your comments. I greatly appreciate your time and effort on my essay.
Sincerely,
amzad hossain
As much as I like the myriad symbolism that “Rainbow” could invoke, I still believe that it is one of the most cliched motifs we use in our writing. Don’t get me wrong, I like how you use it in the essay itself, but I am just wishing ‘for a another title’–perhaps a little pun intended there.
The grammatical errors in your essay don’t bug me that much, but just for the sake of conventions, I think one stop at the Writing Center should suffice.
“My shoulder took charge of the backpack and legs of the tired body.”
I really think, concurring with the rest of the class, that you can really structure your essay around the chess game. In the class room scene, your motion is already limited by the structure of the room and the setting of the desks and chairs. It is especially interesting because there does not seem to be any other pieces present in that chess-board of a classroom.
Some of your sentences are just riveting, and the juxtaposition of your words is also very refreshing. For example, “melancholic melody” is a double whammy; it serves not only as an alliteration, but also as an oxymoron as well. Sentences like this, ” A smile that could stop the heavy rain of November; that could make a wave in the calm Hudson; that could bring the Moon closer to the tallest tree in Central Park.” are in plentiful in your essay. I think what you are trying to do here is ingenious; you are taking an experience in Bangladesh and put that in terms that becomes relatable to your readers on this part of the world. However, I am not sure what you are alluding “heavy rain in November” to. Is this in Bangladesh or America; it would just give this sentence another dimension if it is the former. Then there is this: “I heard the wings of butterflies flapping around, spreading smell of seven colors.” And this: “Her smile was ringing in my mind, making music on its own.” In both the cases you are blurring the line between different senses: “smell of seven colors;” “her smile…., making music in my ears.” This just clearly describes the disorientation you go through when you experience something surreal: confusing auditory to olfactory to visionary.
“My identity falls flat outside of the board.” Are you sure these are your words? LOL. messing with you. This is what I would expect to hear from an established writer. The moment I read it and processed it, I had an epiphany; it was surreal.
I am not sure how conscious you were of the decision to not include God in your essay.
“I am not created by God; I am created by societies.” How about “I was created by God, but formed by societies.” This will fit, especially if you are religious. I say this because later on, you touch upon this: “It’s your entire fault, whoever made that happen.” This is just perfect. It makes the story more complex because here you are frustrated about these contingent events whose occurrence have nothing to do with society. In a way, if you are religious and especially in this case, you are blaming your God. No? Please keep this ambiguity and may be even explore it.
Few suggestions:
“If it wasn’t 9 o’clock, that room wasn’t that small then my backpack wouldn’t have knocked the frame down and she wouldn’t have smiled at me, and my heart wouldn’t have been bleeding since then.” How about, “If the room weren’t that small, my backpack wouldn’t have knocked the frame down; if it weren’t 9′ o clock, she wouldn’t have smiled at me, and my heart wouldn’t have been bleeding since then.” Just a slight shuffling.
As much as we consider Lenon’s “Imagine” a canon, and contrary to the consensus we had in our class, I really don’t think these lines go very well here. It sounds like an abrupt conclusion, a clueless jump into a liberal kumbaya-singing mode of co-existence, which goes completely opposite to the very theme of your story. Yes, we want peace, of course we do. But I think it is important to understand our problems and its complexity to it depth.
Amzad Bhai, Great Work. Keep it up.
Tenzin