Dear readers,
For my essay 2, I really wanted to write about my experience visiting Denmark. While I was there, I was up one night really late and could not sleep. Instead, I wrote a poem about how quiet it was, and how the concept of silence made me realize a couple of things about my own life back home, and just life in general. In NYC, everything is so fast-paced, and I never really had the chance to slow things down and embrace the uniqueness of the world that we live in, and the awesomeness that surrounds us.
Since we have been working on section breaks and dialogue, I thought it would be really cool to incorporate my poem and use them as different sections. I think it’s very artsy, and is definitely what I like most about the essay. I also experimented with dialogue, but used no tags. I think it works because there are only a couple of words being exchanged, and it is pretty clear who the speaker is in each conversation.
One thing that worries me about this essay is that it might be too choppy. Some of the transitions in my essay from paragraph to paragraph are not very fluid, and I think I will have to work on that during my editing process.
1) Do you think the present tense works in the essay? Because I think it works well with the tone and content of the poem.
2) Do you think the placement of the poem sections work? (Beginning and End) Or do you think it can work better somewhere in the middle?
Thanks in advance for the feedback!
Kris Kesoglides
I heard the silence for the first time tonight
And I witnessed the dark, painted black by a row of bitter lights
Down the quiet streets, against the pale piled snow
Among nature, among man, among all real things.
The stillness awaits to be disturbed
But very patiently, allowing man to rest his head,
While enjoying his absence;
******
I cannot sleep. My eyes are wide-awake and my ears are tuned-in to the world’s broadcast. Nothing, not even static, is transmitting. I have never heard this station before. It’s making me uneasy. I miss the comforting car alarms and the soothing sirens ringing in my ears. But I am stuck listening to Denmark’s empty channel for ten days, nine nights.
“Hai Kris, time to wake up?”
“Yep, thank you.”
I stumble out of bed, rub my tired eyes and reach into my suitcase to find a change of clothes. I grab the towel laid out for me and trek along the icy floor to the guest bathroom. A lever in the shower replaces the knobs from home. There is no handle to flush the toilet seat, but two sustainable buttons: each one for a different measure of business.
The dining table is complete with trays of bagels and muffins, and a coffee accompaniment. I don’t like coffee and I don’t eat breakfast. I never have time to. I struggle to sit still.
“Are you full or being shy?”
Neither. My short attention span is not allowing me to eat.
“I am full, thank you. It was delicious.”
The bus ride to school is surprisingly comfortable. The windows on it act as my Danish television. The sky is full and clear, coating the small buildings of the town and the mountains beyond. Snow lies blank and beautiful atop the streets. Danes roam contently on a Monday morning in February.
As I exit the bus, I thank the driver. Behind me, my Danish exchange student does the same.
“Tak.”
I feel so ignorant. My Danish friend is fluent in my language, and I can’t even recite a simple thank you in his. I thought about this while walking towards the entrance of his high school, wondering whether it was my fault or America’s educational system, for not being at least bilingual; Definitely the latter.
The class fit 22 students, most of them white and tall, with blonde hair and blue eyes. It has been five long months since I saw them, and I was happy to be reunited.
A professor walks in, introduces herself and begins her lesson. Her accent is heavy, but she is clear and concise. She begins by throwing some facts at us.
“Danmark has a population of 6 million people. New York City has a population of 8 million.”
I cannot fathom this.
“Danmark has been rated the happiest country on Earth.”
It makes sense. Everyone I have met up to this point has been so polite. This fact will be in the back of my head for my entire trip. A smile began to shape.
After the school day, about 20 of us hop into different cars to hike the Danish mountains. The wind breezes gently as we climb the vertical lift. The air is pure and healthy, the snow soft and rich. The trees gently sway, waving hello and welcoming travelers with open arms. I inhale a scent of nature, and exhale a breath of serenity. A burden-less forest resides in this hidden gem of a country. Silence once again consumes me at the peak.
******
Because there are indeed potentials;
As to silence our surroundings
And darken our negligence.
In return, humanity will be achieved
And we can gather ourselves,
Instead of a fail attempt to silence each other.
Kris,
The incorporation of your poem into the essay- enables readers to have an intimate understanding of your thoughts.
However, It might be interesting to start of with this:
“As to silence our surroundings
And darken our negligence.
In return, humanity will be achieved
And we can gather ourselves,
Instead of a fail attempt to silence each other.”
These are powerful lines that encouraged me to think introspectively and critically. For Instance, what I am I silencing about myself and why?
You leave your reader’s with huge takeaway: Who are you and how do you feel about what’s around you?
Thank you for sharing.
Respectfully,
Jay
Kris,
In your note to reader portion of your post you had expressed that you feared your essay might be too choppy. While I see why you might have felt that way I thought the choppiness of your sentence structures actually worked in your favor. I felt that the short sentences which in another essay may seem abrupt, actually portrayed a sort of tranquil version of the usual “stream of consciousness” where the author seems to feel overwhelmed.
I also liked the idea of taking your poem and then looking back at the experience that inspired you to write it in the first place. It reminded me of being in an English course and inevitably upon analysis I begin to assign a bunch of situations which may or may not have directly inspired the particular piece of work.
I loved your poem on its own and as part of this essay. I felt that the essay portion of this piece did a good job at both providing insight to readers as to your thought process as well as balancing out what may seem a bit preachy about the end of the poem. However, I sensed a disconnect between the last paragraph and the second half of your poem. Maybe identify a better transition so that the two endings match up better and perhaps your message will be a little clearer while at the same time not seeming too preachy and “kumbayaesque.” Just pinpointing what it is that led you to the poem’s end.
Rebecca