Conflicted
2 July 2011
So today found out some news. I was suspecting it for a while now but its conflicting. On one hand, yay I’m not being left out despite being in India but on the other hand, its unspeakable. I don’t want to write about it anymore. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect today. Let me tell you what I have done so far. Wake up at usual time. Today school was from 8 to 11 so we really didn’t get up except to put our beds inside. Suzana and I took a nap and Emily had to wake up so that we could go to school. We spoke to my teacher regarding Emily and Suzana not feeling well. Suzana has a fever and a sore throat while Emily just has a sore throat. We blame it on Conference since we didn’t really get to sleep. AIESEC has this saying of “Work hard, party hard.” They exceeded every expectation on that aspect. All of senior KG has a mini gym class session and after tea, I went with Suzana and Emily to a doctor. He just diagnosed them on the spot and said take all of these pills at this time and you should rest for two days. Right now, Suzana is sleeping, which is good but she wants me to go to the flat and not get sick. I am protesting because everything so far has been done together and I don’t want to leave them alone. Yes, this is why I am the “mom” of the group. Emily said that to me about maybe a week and half ago, which is hilarious. After the doctor, they slept for about an hour and then we had breakfast and we all slept til Suzana poked me and said, “The new intern is here.” I immediately jumped up because we had to meet her. Shyam brought her and all the girls are hesitant about her. One girl even signed to another girl saying to me, “You’re the best out of all the girls.” We don’t really know her as of yet but she seems pretty cool. Emily is right now in the office chatting with her and getting to know her, as usual. Emily has this instinct of getting to know people, while it will take me a while to let people in. I guess I know what Hector was saying about his trainee family. I feel like the three of us are a family and there is an intruder but she’s not an intruder. She probably feels like an outsider since we already know the girls and each other. I need to be kind and get to know her. She is closer with the other interns from the flat since more interns had arrived while we were at conference. Tomorrow we might go sightseeing and explore the city! We have yet to do that so it should be interesting.
On another note, I feel very confused at the moment. I don’t know how I feel at the moment. It’s still surreal to me that I am in India for goodness sakes but I look around and everything is in Hindi or Guajarati. I have yet to cry and actually feel home sick. It’s been three weeks since I’ve been in NYC. Monday is the fourth of July and last year was a hectic Fourth of July. I just found out that I had been accepted into the major program, international business and I wasn’t talking to Christian. This year, I’m single and in India. Last year, I was just with my mom feeling alone and not caring about Independence Day. Hurray for the USA. I feel conflicted this year. I feel like a guy. What I mean is that I can’t put my feelings into words. I can’t find the word for it. I’m trying to listen to Dashboard Confessional to feel something but nothing’s come up yet.
I’ve been thinking about why I came to India. What if I don’t travel and been thinking about my life. I can’t plan out everything. I can’t always be what if, what if. I think to be in the present and not care. I know I say that but I also need to believe it and feel it.
I was in the middle of writing when the new intern, Vittoria, tapped me on my leg and said, “What are they saying?” and we started talking. She seems very excited about being here. Although she is closer to the other interns from the flat, she seems pretty talkative and wants to get close to us. We talked pretty much til dinner and then after dinner, sports, yet again. She doesn’t play any sport unlike Suzana and I but she was talking to the girls and is catching sign language pretty quickly.
It’s about prayer time and everything that is a routine for us is a new experience for her.
6.5 weeks to go… I shouldn’t count down but appreciate the time I have here and stop thinking about what is going on in NYC.