The amount of families that are separating and becoming increasingly estranged is on the rise. The differences that exist between family members are becoming more intense. People, especially younger people, are more comfortable with severing family ties and cutting off closely related family members, such as parents, siblings, and extended family. There is no longer any hesitancy for members, and children especially, to distance themselves from an environment that they are not accepted or happy in, whether it is due to opposing life values and views, refusal to accept critical parts of one’s identity, or a toxic and unhealthy environment. People are prioritizing their wants and needs and refusing to compromise for a family that may be exceedingly ignorant, stubborn, or destructive. 

However, this is not necessarily a bad thing. Previously, people in stifling family environments would instead give up parts of themselves or die in some way rather than leave their family behind. Being unable to create change in one’s family and being forced to follow whatever power dynamics are in play, especially when those patterns prove to be emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive, means that the individual has to sacrifice themselves to keep the existing dynamics alive. However, this does not create healthy individuals. It creates cycles and patterns of illness that only spread to younger generations and further affects the way people interact with others outside of their family. 

Of course, people should not cut off their families on a mere whim or over superficial reasons, such as not getting one’s way. This may be seen often among young teenagers who may want to go down a dangerous path and feel stifled by their parents. However, instead of labeling people who chose to distance themselves from their biological and immediate family as villainous or frigid, we should analyze what aspects of the family people are trying to escape. Unhealthy family patterns, such as different types of abuse, strict gender roles, strong or polarizing political views, and a general lack of acceptance from the family, are easy reasons to understand and support one becoming estranged from their family. Families should be a place of safety and acceptance, and each member should be able to express and meet their individual desires and needs without much opposition. No family is perfect, but it seems as of late that many parents have been putting a lot of pressure on what they want their family to look like, with little regard for the needs and desires of other family members. Children of all ages are choosing to prioritize their well-being rather than enduring a family that will not provide the necessary love and support for them. 

(Host): Hello everyone, and welcome back again to Maya on the Radio! As usual, I am your host, Maya Leighann McFarlane, and I’d like to thank everyone for listening in. 

Our topic today is something that has actually been sent in by one of our listeners asking for advice. Ms. Anonymous writes:

“Hi, Maya! I am a 35-year-old woman, and I am still having issues with my mother. My life growing up was very hard. My mom was a single mom taking care of me and my four other siblings, and since life for her was very stressful, she would often get drunk and would become very verbally and physically abusive. As I was the oldest, I often got the worst of the treatment. My mom would criticize me for if I did not help out with my siblings or if I got home late. She would say very disrespectful things that no one should ever say to their children, and on her worse days, the abuse would turn physical, and sometimes we would even get into physical fights. This caused me to grow apart from my mother, and I became independent at a very young age. Of course, as a minor, there was not much that I could do to stop her. I never, at that age, thought of leaving home, and, instead, I bore through it until I was able to go to college and start a life of my own. I am now successful and married with two beautiful children of my own. I keep in contact with my mom and the rest of us, but little has changed: she is still the same abusive woman whom I know from my childhood, still saying mean and hurtful things and still threatening to hurt me. However, this time she also constantly asks me for help and money. My husband and my other siblings think that she doesn’t deserve it and that I should cut her off, but I find that hard to do as she is the woman who raised and birthed me. I also want my children to know her, but not if she is going to do the same thing to them. What should I do, Maya?”

Hi, Ms. Anonymous. Thank you for sharing your story, and know that, surprisingly, you are not alone in this predicament. The amount of families that are separating and becoming increasingly estranged is on the rise. There is no longer any hesitancy or shame for members, and children especially, to distance themselves from an environment that they are not accepted or happy in, whether it is due to opposing life values and views, refusal to accept critical parts of one’s identity, or a toxic and unhealthy environment. People are prioritizing their wants and needs and refusing to compromise for a family that may be exceedingly ignorant, stubborn, or destructive. 

However, this is not necessarily a bad thing. Previously, people in stifling family environments would instead give up parts of themselves in some way rather than leave their family behind. Being unable to create change in one’s family and being forced to follow whatever power dynamics are in play, especially when those patterns prove to be emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive, means that the individual has to sacrifice themselves to keep the existing dynamics alive. However, this does not create healthy individuals. It creates cycles and patterns of illness that only spread to younger generations and further affects the way people interact with others outside of their family.

Unhealthy family patterns, such as different types of abuse, strict gender roles, strong or polarizing political views, and a general lack of acceptance from the family, are easy reasons to understand and support one becoming estranged from their family. Families should be a place of safety and acceptance, and each member should be able to express and meet their individual desires and needs without much opposition. No family is perfect, but it seems as of late that many parents have been putting a lot of pressure on what they want their family to look like, with little regard for the needs and desires of other family members. Children of all ages are choosing to prioritize their well-being rather than enduring a family that will not provide the necessary love and support for them. 

If you truly feel that your mother is creating a toxic environment, then I cannot encourage you to allow that to continue. It would be in your best interest, Ms. Anonymous, to cut your mother off and focus on your life and the rest of your family who actually love you in a healthy way. Though it may be hard or scary, try to explain to your mother why you are choosing to leave her in the past. She may be willing to hear your side or she may not, but do not do it for her. Do it for you! There may be a chance for reconciliation later in your lives, but that takes time and growth. You deserve a healthy family.