Lady Liberty (1st paragraph)
When thinking of New York, one cannot help but have certain images flow through their thoughts. For example, the Empire State Building, Broadway, Times Square, and maybe even those hit and run taxis just to name a few. But none of these images better represent New York than the Statue of Liberty. She connects over half the population of all of America to New York. When immigrants form all over the world began arriving to America seeking a better way of life, The Statue of Liberty and New York were right there to greet the weary travelers. In fact, many tourists, as well as New Yorkers, eventually pay Lady Liberty a visit because of the connection they feel towards her.
March 29th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
While reading Amanda’s paragraph, I like how she refers to the immigrants from all over the world flocking to the Statue of Liberty. I think that sentence alone provides for a good essay to follow. I feel that is what the focus of her essay should be, for that will provide the most interest for the reader.
March 29th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Great structure. I would not have thought about the statue of liberty. Highly impressed.
March 29th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Hey Amanda. Your first paragraph to me was very good, and made me want to continue to read on further. “When immigrants form (tiny spelling error) all over the world began arriving to America seeking a better way of life, The Statue of Liberty and New York were right there to greet the weary travelers.” That is my favorite sentence in your introduction. Can’t wait to read the finished product.
March 29th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Your introduction seems concise. It makes a point that “Lady Liberty” is what best represents New York. However, you do have some grammar/mechanics errors. The second sentence for example is a fragment. Maybe you meant “When thinking of New York, one cannot help but have certain images flow through their thoughts such as the images of the Empire State Building, Broadway, Times Square, and maybe even those hit and run taxis. Otherwise, the introduction serves its purpose in introducing its focal point(Lady Libery).
March 30th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Hey Amanda. Great topic for this essay. Lady Liberty is a landmark that just screams New York. Many people can relate to the topic whether they think so or not because she stands for all that America stands for and she is a very important part of our history whether it be directly or indirectly. While this paragraph is well formed, i felt it was missing some umph while reading it. I feel that there is a way in which you can captivate the reader more in this paragraph but all in all its a great start.
April 1st, 2009 at 5:32 pm
I like the fact you focus on one subject “Lady Liberty”. The last two sentences are somehow repetitive; you could be saying something else instead that may engage more the reader toward reading your paper and consequently to suggest an strong thesis.
All the places that you mentioned “as a tourist” have the same chances to be visited hence most of tourist will visit all of them during the same period.
April 1st, 2009 at 5:49 pm
I like the fact you are trying to focus on one subject. I presume that the last two sentences are somehow repetitive. Instead work more on your thesis which I think is either weak or too general; so readers can get more engaged in looking at your essay. Finally, I think all the places you mentioned are found on the same tour guide and is more likely that tourist visit all of them at the same day. Ciao.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:10 pm
your topic of the connection of america with the statue of liberty is definitely a great one. although, i would like to suggest not being so repetitive of the word statue of liberty. but regardless, it caught my attention and it is a great way to start off your paper