I really wish that somebody warned me the texts I would read in college would progressively f— me up more and more. The Dead by James Joyce was a short story that I don’t think I was fully prepared to read. I’ve spent about 90% of this quarantine reflecting on my failed relationship (sorry if you’re tired of reading about it – I promise I’m more tired thinking about it). I’m still pretty young so I don’t wanna be too assumptive, but I’m confident in saying that I truly did love my ex-girlfriend. I might even say that I still do – which is kinda unfortunate. It’s pretty sh*tty to love somebody that has already moved on but that’s the way it goes. I didn’t entirely understand “The Dead” on my own. However, after the video along with our Blackboard posts – it scared the sh*t out of me. Why? I’m scared of ending up on either side of the relationship between Gabriel and Gretta.
Let’s start off with why I am afraid of ending up like Gretta. I am f—ing horrified at the idea of missing my ex-girlfriend for the next year, let alone the idea of missing her when I am married. I don’t want to live my life constantly thinking about mistakes in the past. I feel like that would also be so hurtful to my future partner. To have them think that they just can’t compete in some way or another with my memory of a different person. Hurting somebody the way that Gabriel was hurt in the text. I am at least just as terrified as ending up like Gabriel. Perhaps I’m even more scared I’m going to end up like Gabriel. I think it’s pretty likely that my future partners will have previous partners of their own. The idea that I am going to be somebody’s attempt to cover up their own past heartbreak is scary. In all honesty, I don’t think I could handle it nearly as well as Gabriel did. Maybe the reason I am so scared of ending up like Gabriel is because I am so sure that I am going to end up like Gretta. I am so sure that I will love my ex more than my future partners that I imagine it must go the same for my future partners. Why would they love me more than they loved their first true love? How is it possible to even love somebody more than you loved your first real love? Is it not possible? Does everybody already know all of this? Am I the last one finding all this s—t out? It’s just an endless wave of questions with answers that I probably do not want to hear anyway. I hope I am wrong. I hope that maybe all this sh*t is easier than it seems and I’m just overcomplicating it. I hope that I can look back on this in a couple years and laugh at how stupid, young, and ignorant I sound.