This was a great first draft of an essay on a strong topic with a lot to be said. You capture the privilege of being young and carefree in the international world today and actively contrast it against the responsibility of young soldiers active in war across the world. You mainly hit the point of the essay at the end in the final sentence; one suggestion I would have for the piece would be to bring this point up earlier, even if you don’t state it directly (maybe make the contrast between your life and the soldiers’ lives much stronger and more apparent to the reader?)
I think that you gave good strong evidence throughout the paper, explaining why you were going out on Thursdays well and including small details about you and your roommate that made the essay personable. One thing that would heighten the contrast is to give more details about the soldiers, maybe point out a specific instance of going out? By generalizing the soldier character, you take away from the emotion that comes from potentially knowing one of them and I think details would make your piece stronger.
In terms of Zinsser advice, I would point out that the essay is a little bit cluttered. While the personal details in the piece are informing and help to shape a picture in the reader’s mind, you don’t need to include every single details. For example, when you talk about your schedule at the beginning of the second page, the numbers break up the flow of the paper; potentially phrase this differently so you still get how busy your schedule was but without the chunky numbers. The detail about you and your roommate pretending to be twins is hilarious and catchy, but it is also wordy. Can you condense this into one or two sentences that are more packed with the punchline of the story rather than spreading it out over three or four sentences? Definitely keep that detail in though!
One sentence that I would revise would be the last one. I love the idea and the contrast, and I think that if this was worked through the entire piece, this sentence would pack much more heat.
“While my eighteenth birthday meant that I had license to drink in Israel, to an Israeli it meant being drafted- a license to kill and be killed.”
The concept is strong, powerful, emotional. In order to evoke everything that you can out of your sentence, however, something about it needs to change. Putting more of your voice into the sentence could help; find that 18 year old self still in shock after the realization. Express that you could not process this concept through your sentence form. For example, you could maybe break this up into two separate sentences, or change the use of the word license… I’m not a hundred percent sure how I would phrase it. Maybe by Wednesday I will have a better suggestion?
Overall, I loved what you wrote about. You definitely have a voice, just make sure you carry it out through the whole piece and knock out the clutter.
This was a powerful piece of writing, especially being your first draft. It is amazing how you structured such a light and happy piece of writing and then turns into a life changing experience. It begins with you and your friends enjoying yourselves in Israel, being free and flirty but then changes into appreciating your life. We tend to forget that we have it easier back at home. The contrast between your life and the soldiers, being of the same age is well executed.
I believe you your work contained enough details to get your message across. You gave reasons behind any action. You provided specific details such as the color or your hair and what it meant in Israel. I agree with Hutch in providing a bit more details on the soldiers. Maybe bringing a more personal experience with that one soldier that you might have remembered his name. It would make your piece more moving in a way that we as a reader can fall in love with the thought of you and that one soldier and make an even greater impact when the war was declared on Hamas.
When it comes to Zinsser advice, I believe your writing is alive, human, and warm. I felt as though I were there with you. You were able to give a well rounded summary of what it was like to be in Israel for a year. It was human because anyone can relate to going to a bar and faking your birthday for a free drink. Even your intro started with such a “human” approach when you stated, “My extra-curricular activities consisted of napping, dancing and eating french fries too late at night.”
What touched me to be “alive” was when you stated, “While my eighteenth birthday meant that I had license to drink in Israel, to an Israeli it meant being drafted- a license to kill and be killed.” This sentence is an amazing way to end your story. It brings us back to reality. You were able to transition partying and having a good time to a life lesson.
A sentence that felt a little awkward reading was, “I was eighteen. My status was “legal”, my curfew non-existent, my beverage of choice was tequila (or whiskey if it was bought for me, or champagne if it was one of my weekly birthdays).” I felt that it may have been too wordy.
Overall, your paper is on an amazing path. To be able to compact so much in two pages is great. It is a moving piece with great potential.
Rebecca,
This was a great first draft of an essay on a strong topic with a lot to be said. You capture the privilege of being young and carefree in the international world today and actively contrast it against the responsibility of young soldiers active in war across the world. You mainly hit the point of the essay at the end in the final sentence; one suggestion I would have for the piece would be to bring this point up earlier, even if you don’t state it directly (maybe make the contrast between your life and the soldiers’ lives much stronger and more apparent to the reader?)
I think that you gave good strong evidence throughout the paper, explaining why you were going out on Thursdays well and including small details about you and your roommate that made the essay personable. One thing that would heighten the contrast is to give more details about the soldiers, maybe point out a specific instance of going out? By generalizing the soldier character, you take away from the emotion that comes from potentially knowing one of them and I think details would make your piece stronger.
In terms of Zinsser advice, I would point out that the essay is a little bit cluttered. While the personal details in the piece are informing and help to shape a picture in the reader’s mind, you don’t need to include every single details. For example, when you talk about your schedule at the beginning of the second page, the numbers break up the flow of the paper; potentially phrase this differently so you still get how busy your schedule was but without the chunky numbers. The detail about you and your roommate pretending to be twins is hilarious and catchy, but it is also wordy. Can you condense this into one or two sentences that are more packed with the punchline of the story rather than spreading it out over three or four sentences? Definitely keep that detail in though!
One sentence that I would revise would be the last one. I love the idea and the contrast, and I think that if this was worked through the entire piece, this sentence would pack much more heat.
“While my eighteenth birthday meant that I had license to drink in Israel, to an Israeli it meant being drafted- a license to kill and be killed.”
The concept is strong, powerful, emotional. In order to evoke everything that you can out of your sentence, however, something about it needs to change. Putting more of your voice into the sentence could help; find that 18 year old self still in shock after the realization. Express that you could not process this concept through your sentence form. For example, you could maybe break this up into two separate sentences, or change the use of the word license… I’m not a hundred percent sure how I would phrase it. Maybe by Wednesday I will have a better suggestion?
Overall, I loved what you wrote about. You definitely have a voice, just make sure you carry it out through the whole piece and knock out the clutter.
Hutch
Rebecca,
This was a powerful piece of writing, especially being your first draft. It is amazing how you structured such a light and happy piece of writing and then turns into a life changing experience. It begins with you and your friends enjoying yourselves in Israel, being free and flirty but then changes into appreciating your life. We tend to forget that we have it easier back at home. The contrast between your life and the soldiers, being of the same age is well executed.
I believe you your work contained enough details to get your message across. You gave reasons behind any action. You provided specific details such as the color or your hair and what it meant in Israel. I agree with Hutch in providing a bit more details on the soldiers. Maybe bringing a more personal experience with that one soldier that you might have remembered his name. It would make your piece more moving in a way that we as a reader can fall in love with the thought of you and that one soldier and make an even greater impact when the war was declared on Hamas.
When it comes to Zinsser advice, I believe your writing is alive, human, and warm. I felt as though I were there with you. You were able to give a well rounded summary of what it was like to be in Israel for a year. It was human because anyone can relate to going to a bar and faking your birthday for a free drink. Even your intro started with such a “human” approach when you stated, “My extra-curricular activities consisted of napping, dancing and eating french fries too late at night.”
What touched me to be “alive” was when you stated, “While my eighteenth birthday meant that I had license to drink in Israel, to an Israeli it meant being drafted- a license to kill and be killed.” This sentence is an amazing way to end your story. It brings us back to reality. You were able to transition partying and having a good time to a life lesson.
A sentence that felt a little awkward reading was, “I was eighteen. My status was “legal”, my curfew non-existent, my beverage of choice was tequila (or whiskey if it was bought for me, or champagne if it was one of my weekly birthdays).” I felt that it may have been too wordy.
Overall, your paper is on an amazing path. To be able to compact so much in two pages is great. It is a moving piece with great potential.
Andrea