Monthly Archives: May 2013

Dear Reader,

Over the course of this semester I have learned s much about myself as a writer. This class provided me with a creative outlet, which I have come to realize is something I need. Over the past four years of Baruch I felt as if I was robbed of that. Very few of my classes engaged me as a writer like this class did.

I found that every assignment was meaningful and allowed me to write less formulaic fashion. I took risks, and failed–and that was okay. I learned that I’m a lot more comfortable writing comically than I am writing seriously which is why I chose to challenge myself for my final essay.

Initially, upon enrolling in this class I was unsure of what exactly my comfort level would be when it came to showing my work to others however, I was so comfortable that I ended up conducting a fifteen minute presentation on the topic of my boobs.

In this essay I tried to communicate how my hair and boobs served as my identifiers. With puberty came a slew of assumptions which were verbalized to me despite their inappropriateness.  The format of my essay was inspired by Ely Shipley’s “On Beards.”

Rebecca Seidman

On Boobs

 

Blonde is dumb comedy, red hair is smart, sexy comedy.

-Lisa Kudrow

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

-Rita Rudner

I’m the girl with the red hair.

I grew up hearing the story of how my great grandfather dreamed of having a little red-headed girl. Nineteen years after his death I am born.

I am special.

                        *

Leviticus outlines laws regarding a woman’s menstruation cycle.

During menstruation a woman is deemed impure. Only after she is cleansed of her discharge and has counted seven days can she be considered clean. She must then seek atonement before the Lord for her unclean discharge.

*

I’m standing in the shower staring down at my NIPPLES which feel as if small marbles have been implanted beneath them. Simultaneously, my hair is falling out, clogging the drain.

I have cancer.

I’m becoming a woman.

*

Orthodox Judaism engages in a practice called shomer negiah. This practice states that once a person has either crossed over the threshold of puberty or turned twelve and thirteen respectively one may not touch another of the opposite sex.
Not even a relative.

*

I’m at my grandmother’s house visiting my uncle who I haven’t seen in months.

After exchanging a hug, my uncle turns to my grandmother with tears in his eyes,

“Mommy! My baby has TITS!”

                        *

“Men are visually aroused by women’s bodies and less sensitive to their arousal by women’s personalities because they are trained early into that response…”

                                                 -Naomi Wolf

I’m in ninth grade. After school, six boys pose a business proposal to my best friend Jackie. If I’m willing to show them my BOOBS they’re willing to pay up to $25.00 a person. Jackie’s job is to convince me.

*

“Beauty provokes harassment, the law says, but it looks through men’s eyes when deciding what provokes it.”

          -Naomi Wolf

We’ve been called to a school assembly to watch a film on sexual harassment.

Following the film three boys came over to me and said “Sorry.”
*

“That’s sad. How plastic and artificial life has become. It gets harder and harder to find something…real.” Nin interlocked his fingers, and stretched out his arms. “Real love, real friends, real body parts…”

                    -Jess C. Scott, “The Other Side of Life”

I’m in the school gym with my friend Kirk, reaching for the pull-up bar while making small talk. He reaches for my waist and gives me a lift to help me reach the bar. He then looks me square in face and ask me if I know “why I’m popular.” I’m flattered he thinks so. He then assures me it’s NOT because I’m “funny” (although I am) but that it’s because I’m “good looking for a redhead and have a nice rack.”

                        *

Your clothes should be tight enough to show you’re a woman but loose enough to show you’re a lady.”

-Marilyn Monroe

It’s the summer. I’m a camp counselor at my aunt’s day camp. I’m wearing a V-neck t-shirt. During an argument with my aunt a fourty-eight year old woman points to me and calls me a WHORE.

I had never even had my first kiss.

Meanwhile, her daughter wore the evidence of her many kisses on her neck.

                        *

“After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”

I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.”                              -Darynda Jones, “First Grave on the Right”

I’m a counselor at a summer day camp for fifteen year old girls. I’m the fun, outgoing counselor with the big boobs. One day my camper reaches over and gropes my boob. I’m shocked. I ask her what she’s doing.

She responds, “We were all wondering if they were padded. They’re not.”

My boobs become the honorary members of our bunk.

We name them Guada and Lupe.

                        *

“There’s a shortage of perfects breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.”

-Cary Elwes

I recently made the decision to undergo breast reduction surgery.

I struggled with my decision. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t.

One of the breasts primary functions is breastfeeding. By making this decision am I denying myself and my future child of that function?

And as much as I hated being a pair of boobs to some, I appreciated the free drinks they afforded me.

I literally found myself wondering if I was cheating my future husband by denying of these big boobs.

Evan: I heard she got breast reduction surgery.

Seth: What? That’s like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.

Evan: She had back problems, man

Evan: It’s not just making them smaller. They completely reshaped them. They make them more supple, symmetrical.

Seth: I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks. Let’s make a move.

-Superbad