Upon listening to the “Influence You Have” podcast, I have realized that I, too, am someone who lets anxiety eat away at me when forced into a situation with a stranger. When I am pushed to approach someone for anything, whether it be for assistance or asking them out romantically, I immediately disregard the idea because of my immense fear of rejection. Although, I can say that I do take into account how my approaching someone could make them feel; I let their potential uneasiness add to my own anxiety because I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, and I thus suppress my feelings, whether they be romantic or a cry for help. When Vanessa Bohns’ college campus survey experiment was mentioned, I immediately imagined myself as one of the volunteers asking, “How many people do you think I’ll have to ask to complete it?” and, “What if no one says yes?” because it is so easy to imagine the other person saying no.
I find it interesting that, pertaining to Bohns’ book vandalism experiment, where volunteers had to ask students on campus if they would vandalize library books to help them out with a prank, 64% of students approached agreed. They agreed, despite protesting and voicing their concerns that it was wrong, because people will go to great lengths to avoid awkward situations and find it challenging to refuse someone when put on the spot, even if they know the action is unjustifiable.
In the beginning of this year, I was in quite a dark place and felt as if I had no one to turn to but my best friend. I would voice all of my negative feelings to her, completely disregarding how that made her feel. I must have assumed that because she was my best friend, she would be there for me no matter what, until she felt the need to separate herself from me for a few months because I was putting a substantial amount of pressure on her. At the time, I did not take into account how my constant negativity might have been affecting her, and I allowed for our relationship to suffer because of my selfishness. Thankfully, this experience pushed me to finally get professional help rather than rely solely on my friends for support, but it was incredibly eye-opening to realize that I was not considering my dearest friend’s wellbeing and the effect my words could have on her.
I can relate to your personal experiences. Everyone can experience dark moments in their life, and I know that when I do, I tend to project and voice my emotions to others perhaps too much. I personally do not think about how it could impact whomever I am venting at; perhaps me venting could put then in a negative mood as well. There is definitely a great deal of pressure to be open and willing to listen to other people’s emotions and feelings.
I understand how it feels to be in a dark place, I’m definitely glad you’re seeking therapy for your situation. It’s really helpful to talk with a professional who’s seperated from your personal life, as sometimes friends aren’t equipped to deal with some mental health stuff. Make sure to be open and honest with your therapist, I found therapy is more effective when you can explain in detail what’s troubling you. Take care!
I can completely relate to the feeling of not approaching because of the anxiety of thinking what could go wrong, almost completely disregarding what could go right. And regarding your experience with your friend, I am glad that you are at peace with your current situation; and also that knowing how your closest people feel is as important as not holding your feeling and expressing your thoughts.