While listening to “The Influence You Have” podcast, I could feel the anxiety building up inside me simply from hearing about the situations. This podcast really provided insight on how biased our interactions with other people are. Humans are often so fixated on their own anxieties and insecurities that they give little thought to the person they are interacting with. The podcast states that we often don’t see the impact we have on others because of how consumed we are with our own perceptions of situations that we fail to see it objectively. Take for instance, when asking someone for a favor. The person asking for the favor is feeling anxious in fear of being rejected while the person being asked is now anxious because of the way their response will be perceived. However, neither of the two people are thinking of how the other is feeling in the situation because they are too focused on their own feeling of anxiety. The podcast discusses several experiments conducted by psychologist Vanessa Bohns which exemplify this point. In one study, the participants were making a trivial request – to borrow a phone. The fear of hearing a simple “no” was the cause of high levels of anxiety. In another study, participants were asked to solicit money for a fundraising event. Through this, it was seen that even when it came to something as consequential as money, more people were likely to agree to donate than say no and be seen in an unflattering light.
Listening to the podcast reminded me of the times at work when my boss would say that I was his favorite employee. I felt anxious and frustrated in those moments because there was so much pressure from the unspoken expectations my boss had set for me. I didn’t know how to say no when someone asked me to stay late or do something unrelated to my job, nor did I know how to express myself without risking the relationship that we had built. Eventually, I had a conversation with him and came to realize that he always thought that because of the nature of our relationship, I would have felt comfortable enough to let him know when it become too much for me to handle.
That is a very interesting point you’re bringing up about how a comment that would generally be viewed as a compliment or a positive could have adverse effects. Even if we think we are saying something that will be appreciated we are not in the head of the other person and cannot assume our intentions will be apparent. It is also amazing how people can dwell on a negative feeling for some time when an open conversation is all that is needed to gain a mutual understanding between the two parties. I’m glad you and your boss had that talk!
That experience you described is all too familiar. I work as an after school counselor and they do reviews twice a year, and I have been known as a choice favorite which surprised me. Due to this it kind of puts pressure on me not to mess up that reputation although it was a major compliment. I just talked to my surpervisor and asked where I can improve to to feel less pressured and to fix some areas I lacked in. It just shows how a compliment can be interpreted into something else and have an unintended impact.