Growing up in an immigrant household taught me how to be strong. Certainly, after each outspoken comment from my judgmental Aunties about my body, love life, or capabilities at school, one less tear shed from my eyes. Surely, my thick skin comes from handling my extended family’s unintentional bullying. All jokes aside, seeing how hard my parents work has made me stronger. My parents currently work as a seamstress and cook. These are two feats in itself because both of my parents immigrated to New York from Taishan, China without knowing an ounce of English or understanding American culture. Even without knowing English, they found a way to make a living not only for themselves but also my brother and I. With, I’ve personally witnessed them working full twelve-hour shifts as a means of providing for the family, and not once have I heard them excessively complain about the work they have to do. I’ve seen bruises on their bodies. I’ve seen a gradual growth of gray hair on their head. I’ve seen them slap their bones as a way of relieving their body aches. But never once did they heavily complain. This in turn made me resilient. Seeing them work through their problems and continuously persist through their pains as a means of supporting their family made me understand the importance of staying resilient myself.
With this in mind, I have been able to succeed as I have now. My goal is to be able to financially support myself and my parents in the future. Anytime I had to stay up late to finish an assignment or study did not bother me at all because I centered myself back to my goal. I knew that all my hard work would pay off in the end just like my parent’s selfless hard work has helped them achieve their goals in the end. As much as I gained my resilience from watching my parents work, they have also instilled a specific mindset in me. Growing up, they always told me “Never let people see you sweat or cry.” “Show people you are strong, and they will treat you with respect. They won’t walk over you if they know you are strong.” Having heard this all my life, I couldn’t help but make it my mantra. No matter how tired I was, or how stressed I was, I mainly kept it to myself knowing I needed to hide my weakness. I needed to appear strong, so my peers around me treat me with respect. However, this all came crumbling down when an unexpected situation happened.
About a year ago, comments were being made about my appearance, and I found out I wasn’t as strong as I realized. To bring context to this situation, I started experimenting with makeup the summer of sophomore year, coincidentally during the pandemic when most of my days consisted of me being at home. I dabbled with eyeliner and eyebrow pencils initially, but my interest with makeup grew to include blush, contour and foundation. I found a way to express myself through makeup whether it be choosing a certain blush or changing the styling of my eyeliner. However, people began to talk about my appearance saying I wore too much makeup, or I didn’t look like myself. At the time, I took their hurtful words as the truth, and I couldn’t perceive myself without considering how others felt about me.
Because I was taught to never let anyone see my weakness, I ended up hiding the hurt I really felt. In front of my friends, I was angry. In my mind, anger showed more strength than crying because it showed I was confident enough to know what others were saying were not true about me. I went days on end bottling up my feelings until one day I finally broke. I facetimed my friend and began confessing how hurt I was. She was there for me; she listened to my anger, my sadness, and my hesitation. In the moment I felt heard and cared for. She reassured me that their words were invalid and shared my anger. She helped me see the situation in a different light. Not to say that I completely have control over my emotions now, but I have learned to prioritize my views over anyone else’s. At the end of the day, no one has been with me for as long as I have been with myself. Even when I tried to change my appearance to please everyone else, it didn’t change the sentiments behind their comments. If it wasn’t “she wears too much makeup,” it became “what’s wrong with her? She should put makeup on.” Through and through, the sentiments behind both statements were the same; both were expressions of insensitive jokes intended to humor people at my expense. It took a while for me to realize there will always be one person who will judge me for anything and everything I do, but once I did it became easier to drown their opinions out. This moment of vulnerability I shared with my friend brought clarity to a misconception I’ve had my whole life.
In this moment I learned that there’s strength in being vulnerable. In being vulnerable with my friend and confiding in her, I gained another family member. I realized that those who matter, won’t judge me at my lowest. I would even say I am stronger than I was before because I am able to be vulnerable with people and realize the strength in being able to talk about my problems with others. My friend has now become my sister, someone who I unconditionally love and can depend on no matter what situation is going on in my life. I am still as resilient as I was before. I am still focused on my goal of providing financial stability for my family and I. However, this time, I am able to go through all of this knowing I have a friend beside me who is also pushing me through the mental obstacles I have.