You cheered me up with your victory. Prior to reading your draft I read Alee’s and hers got me grieving over her grandpa’s death. Do you understand how influential you and Alee are as a writer? One had me sad and the other had me happy.
The opening paragraph is simply a good start. You briefly introduced your dad and his anxiousness toward your success. However, I didn’t get the main point of your essay until i got into the 2nd paragraph. Maybe it needs a little revision.
You gave a detail description about the competition which was very helpful for me as a reader to see the crowd and tension around the track. Nevertheless, your description about limping back to the track is suffering from clutter. Don’t you think so? In an attempt to save myself can be rewritten ”to save myself” that may also help you avoid clutter. Just take out the extra words to make this paragraph more concrete.
After reading the conclusion I knew all about your after-winning period. I didn’t wonder about ”what happens next?” this kind of curiosity. I would have wondered if you stopped your pen after this sentence,” My mom glanced back at me with a smirk on her face and winked.” I think leaving readers unsatisfied is writer’s success.
Michael Jackson is yours now. You earned him.
Sincerely,
amzadhossain
Hi Amzad,
Thanks for your feedback on cutting the excess words. I will take your advice when doing my revision. I’m glad you liked my essay. I enjoyed yours also.
See you in class!
Cass
Dear Cass,
I liked your essay. Jumping in with a quote, giving a first person perspective, is a good way to do what you are trying to do based on your cover letter. You may want to try some dialogue between you and your father to get some more depth and show the dynamic between you and you father but based on what you said about him I can see exactly why you chose not to.
Also, there are a few sentences you may want to try inverting, but at the same time, they make it seem like your voice is younger, which is good for the subject matter. For example, you may want to try inverting “prisoner escaping from jail” and “I take off” or put a comma after I take off. Same thing goes for a few other sentences, where inverting the structure would make it flow a little better and seem a little more complex.
Just a few small things… the word monitor for your “annoyance monitor” you might want to try level, scale, meter or something else in terms of word choice. Also when you open a quote make sure it is capitalized, even if it is in the middle of a sentence (check the “well”). Also, after “finish line” I would suggest putting a period rather than semi-colon.
The integration of the Ella thing was very well done. I loved the anecdote about the laces. It ties your relationship with your father, the race, the sport and Ella and the relationship you had with her well. I loved how you magically figured out what you Dad was referring to. It speaks to the depth of the father daughter relationship.
On another separate note: We were required to open our cover letters with “Dear Reader” and close them with a signature. I did not take the time to print the letter sign it by hand and rescan it, but that’s just me. Was that a conscious choice? Does that make it seem like one could relate to this story more because of the absence of your signature?
Cassandra,
You cheered me up with your victory. Prior to reading your draft I read Alee’s and hers got me grieving over her grandpa’s death. Do you understand how influential you and Alee are as a writer? One had me sad and the other had me happy.
The opening paragraph is simply a good start. You briefly introduced your dad and his anxiousness toward your success. However, I didn’t get the main point of your essay until i got into the 2nd paragraph. Maybe it needs a little revision.
You gave a detail description about the competition which was very helpful for me as a reader to see the crowd and tension around the track. Nevertheless, your description about limping back to the track is suffering from clutter. Don’t you think so? In an attempt to save myself can be rewritten ”to save myself” that may also help you avoid clutter. Just take out the extra words to make this paragraph more concrete.
After reading the conclusion I knew all about your after-winning period. I didn’t wonder about ”what happens next?” this kind of curiosity. I would have wondered if you stopped your pen after this sentence,” My mom glanced back at me with a smirk on her face and winked.” I think leaving readers unsatisfied is writer’s success.
Michael Jackson is yours now. You earned him.
Sincerely,
amzadhossain
Hi Amzad,
Thanks for your feedback on cutting the excess words. I will take your advice when doing my revision. I’m glad you liked my essay. I enjoyed yours also.
See you in class!
Cass
Dear Cass,
I liked your essay. Jumping in with a quote, giving a first person perspective, is a good way to do what you are trying to do based on your cover letter. You may want to try some dialogue between you and your father to get some more depth and show the dynamic between you and you father but based on what you said about him I can see exactly why you chose not to.
Also, there are a few sentences you may want to try inverting, but at the same time, they make it seem like your voice is younger, which is good for the subject matter. For example, you may want to try inverting “prisoner escaping from jail” and “I take off” or put a comma after I take off. Same thing goes for a few other sentences, where inverting the structure would make it flow a little better and seem a little more complex.
Just a few small things… the word monitor for your “annoyance monitor” you might want to try level, scale, meter or something else in terms of word choice. Also when you open a quote make sure it is capitalized, even if it is in the middle of a sentence (check the “well”). Also, after “finish line” I would suggest putting a period rather than semi-colon.
The integration of the Ella thing was very well done. I loved the anecdote about the laces. It ties your relationship with your father, the race, the sport and Ella and the relationship you had with her well. I loved how you magically figured out what you Dad was referring to. It speaks to the depth of the father daughter relationship.
On another separate note: We were required to open our cover letters with “Dear Reader” and close them with a signature. I did not take the time to print the letter sign it by hand and rescan it, but that’s just me. Was that a conscious choice? Does that make it seem like one could relate to this story more because of the absence of your signature?
Nice Work!!
Best,
Alee