I enjoyed reading your essay. I think I am attracted to its simplicity. It is not trying to be bigger than it is. And the casualness of the dialogues adds to this simplicity and the authenticity of your story.
I am a little confused with the paragraph organization of your essay. Like this paragraph;
That specific night happened more than five years ago, but it replayed itself over and over in different variations for the years to come. When Raven and I moved out of my parent’s house and decided to share an apartment together, I had to prepare myself for the amplifying of these infiltrations. We constantly argued about my ‘spacing out’ she accused me of being distant and I tried to explain to her that I just needed a little time to breathe. Now that we no longer live together and she doesn’t have to deal with my space issues she jokes about how she sees progress in my disorder.
You mention here that you guys live together and then near the end of the paragraph, you are saying otherwise. If that is a shift in time, I think it needs to be indicated using different techniques we learnt during the class. I also feel you can try some rearranging of the paragraphs that would make the flow a little better.
I might be contradicting here with what I said here in the first paragraph, but the biggest question I have is: What is the effect you are trying to have on the reader? What is the purpose? I think that didn’t come across that well.
Hi Cass,
I enjoyed reading your essay. I think I am attracted to its simplicity. It is not trying to be bigger than it is. And the casualness of the dialogues adds to this simplicity and the authenticity of your story.
I am a little confused with the paragraph organization of your essay. Like this paragraph;
That specific night happened more than five years ago, but it replayed itself over and over in different variations for the years to come. When Raven and I moved out of my parent’s house and decided to share an apartment together, I had to prepare myself for the amplifying of these infiltrations. We constantly argued about my ‘spacing out’ she accused me of being distant and I tried to explain to her that I just needed a little time to breathe. Now that we no longer live together and she doesn’t have to deal with my space issues she jokes about how she sees progress in my disorder.
You mention here that you guys live together and then near the end of the paragraph, you are saying otherwise. If that is a shift in time, I think it needs to be indicated using different techniques we learnt during the class. I also feel you can try some rearranging of the paragraphs that would make the flow a little better.
I might be contradicting here with what I said here in the first paragraph, but the biggest question I have is: What is the effect you are trying to have on the reader? What is the purpose? I think that didn’t come across that well.
Otherwise, it was definitely a good read.
Tenzin