I really like the anecdote that serves as the basis for your essay; the importance of the relationship between you and your sister is apparent and you are able to capture the essence of living in close quarters with family.
I think that one revision tip that might help to make the essay flow better is a careful edit of the dialogue. One quote that I think you or the professor brought up in class went something along the lines of “Drama is life with the dull parts left out.” Do you really need every line of dialogue that you inclue in this draft or can you find another way to show your relationship with your sister? For example, I think that you use it really well during the “Hey Sissy” line/paragraph and then again later at “You’re getting better” because the dialogue is directly related to the core of your essay.
I agree with you, the ending is my favorite part of your essay. Maybe just revisit the beginning and focus on getting the the heart of what really matters? You’ve got great things to say! Thanks for letting me read.
Hey Cass,
I really like the anecdote that serves as the basis for your essay; the importance of the relationship between you and your sister is apparent and you are able to capture the essence of living in close quarters with family.
I think that one revision tip that might help to make the essay flow better is a careful edit of the dialogue. One quote that I think you or the professor brought up in class went something along the lines of “Drama is life with the dull parts left out.” Do you really need every line of dialogue that you inclue in this draft or can you find another way to show your relationship with your sister? For example, I think that you use it really well during the “Hey Sissy” line/paragraph and then again later at “You’re getting better” because the dialogue is directly related to the core of your essay.
I agree with you, the ending is my favorite part of your essay. Maybe just revisit the beginning and focus on getting the the heart of what really matters? You’ve got great things to say! Thanks for letting me read.
Hutch