This is really good so far!! I was really getting into it and then all of a sudden I was left hanging at the end, I know you’re still in the process of writing it but I can’t wait to see the finished version!
I think you did a great job of staying on topic, so that definitely wasn’t an issue for me. And I love that you decided to include the two poems because I could sense the rhythm right from the beginning; it’s definitely lyrical.
One suggestion I have is that you consider separating these two short poems rather than introducing them together. I feel like it would flow a bit better if, say, under the first poem about family, you went right into the details of a family experience. You could begin with this line: “Strong-willed. Stubborn. Embarrassing. These are the words I would use to describe my family,” and tell that short family story to illustrate how they’re strong-willed and stubborn. Then after this, maybe you can briefly start to explain how they differ from friends and introduce the second portion of your poem. You can talk about an experience with friends, one that shows us how they are “Loyal. Judgmental. Driven.” This might give you a chance to slow down a bit and show readers some examples of how your friends differ from your family. Then, you can move on to comparing the two groups.
But other than that, I’d say you’re on the right track. Hope this feedback was helpful!
-Nakeisha
Cass,
This is a controversial topic that will always be risen.
It is very interesting to take interviews for this particular topic from people of different backgrounds and origins.
I loved the way you organized the essay, it had a certain pattern, and it was interesting to read. Sentences consisting of just one word make it interesting as well.
I want to read more stories from peoples lives, this will keep the reader interested.
Looking forward to the interviews.
Hey Cass,
This is really good so far!! I was really getting into it and then all of a sudden I was left hanging at the end, I know you’re still in the process of writing it but I can’t wait to see the finished version!
I think you did a great job of staying on topic, so that definitely wasn’t an issue for me. And I love that you decided to include the two poems because I could sense the rhythm right from the beginning; it’s definitely lyrical.
One suggestion I have is that you consider separating these two short poems rather than introducing them together. I feel like it would flow a bit better if, say, under the first poem about family, you went right into the details of a family experience. You could begin with this line: “Strong-willed. Stubborn. Embarrassing. These are the words I would use to describe my family,” and tell that short family story to illustrate how they’re strong-willed and stubborn. Then after this, maybe you can briefly start to explain how they differ from friends and introduce the second portion of your poem. You can talk about an experience with friends, one that shows us how they are “Loyal. Judgmental. Driven.” This might give you a chance to slow down a bit and show readers some examples of how your friends differ from your family. Then, you can move on to comparing the two groups.
But other than that, I’d say you’re on the right track. Hope this feedback was helpful!
-Nakeisha
Cass,
This is a controversial topic that will always be risen.
It is very interesting to take interviews for this particular topic from people of different backgrounds and origins.
I loved the way you organized the essay, it had a certain pattern, and it was interesting to read. Sentences consisting of just one word make it interesting as well.
I want to read more stories from peoples lives, this will keep the reader interested.
Looking forward to the interviews.