Zhanna,
I enjoyed reading your essay. As an immigrant myself, I can relate to a lot of your anxieties and concerns. Back home, America is what we see on TV, but once we get here we realize it is nothing but a rat race– with of course patches of amazing times now and then. It must have been very hard to go through something as critical as your surgery and not having any of your relatives around. I can only imagine recounting it must have been equally hard.
So, as far as your writing is concerned, I like how direct and simple you manage to keep your approach. If your choice of words are simple, I believe your sentences are a little complex and “cluttered.” I often lose track of what you are trying to say because you try to convey so much information in just one sentence. Perhaps, you can pick the longer sentences in your essay and try dissecting them into smaller sentences. For example, this particular sentence:
“I say “survival” because of many well-known things common to every immigrant, starting with difficulties finding a (decent) job and ending with psychological disorders that can happen to an individual who have been experiencing cultural shock and alienation.”
You can either break that down or use the help of another punctuation other than comma (,) after “immigrant.” The second paragraph is another example that falls prey to the same vice. You are trying to introduce so many things at the same time. It is hard to gauge what really is the focus of that sentence. I understand this is an exposition to the the health care system that you are trying to tie in with the paragraphs preceding and following it, but the attempt seems rather abrupt and disjoint from its immediate paragraphs.
Although I agree that your words are simple, but they may not be the correct choice regarding a feeling or an emotion you are trying to express. For example, “guess” in the first paragraph. I believe it is not common among would-be immigrants to consciously and actively “guess” the difficulties of living abroad, but they definitely do have “ideas” about them.
At first I was a little disappointed with the bland listing of the world events concurrent to your experience, but in the next paragraph I liked how to filtered the rest and focused on one that shared an essence with your condition and experience. So I really liked that part.
Overall, I get the sense that you are trying to revisit a particular moment in your life which has defined your experience of being in a new place the best– particularly a place which in idea, and for those who are distant, is nothing less than a heaven. You realized what it REALLY meant to not be at your home, and how more alienating a foreign place could become when you are faced with a plight such as yours. I think a lot of students and public in general will be able to relate to your essay. New York city does not only attract immigrants but young kids from different and remote parts of the US itself. For a lot of these people, your experience will have some resonance and the difference would be only a matte of degree. So it is an essay that needs to be written and I really enjoyed it.
Just a small note in the passing. I think to any kind of writing ventures, the title is sometimes the only factor deciding whether to read a particular piece or just move on to the next. Although I admire the originality of your topic, I think it could be much better. Unless you are aware of the effects you are trying to evoke by “titling” yours as you have, I think it is really important to know if the title does justice to your body or would it, on a superficial level, attract readers.
Hello Zhanna,
Your essay is heartrending!
It made me immediately think of my friends from Estonia, Ukraine, and the Balkans.
“That evening I felt pain in my chest and a shortness of breath. I decided to sit down and relax, but it did not get any better, so was taken to a hospital. I was diagnosed with a spontaneous pneumothorax (lung collapse) and went through two surgeries. The doctor said later if I waited for twenty more minutes before going to the ER, I could have died” (Zahnna)
This is an effective place to begin the essay. Naturally, because many readers are compelled to learn from this story.
How does your title connect to the societal examples?
“The same scenario happened with me: sooner or later the collapse should have happened, simply because my lungs are my Achilles heel. It is good that the surgery happened now and not later, because the older you get, the more complications a surgery can bring; same with Bin Laden: he could have killed more people, but he was caught before he caused any more harm.” (Zahnna) This concept can be managed more sharply throughout this essay.
Ira Glass on Story Telling: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loxJ3FtCJJA; we watched this during our first class session. Ira Glass’s instructions are extremely helpful and perhaps you might also benefit from the link.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Jay
Zhanna,
I liked your essay; the topic and comparisons caught my interest.
I liked the statement written: “never put frames on your writing…and it will flow…”
However, do the “most painful moments make the best pieces of art?”
Perhaps a future essay could discuss‚ your “cloudless and worriless existence back home and challenging survival”, “difficulty finding a job…”, as well as “cultural shock and alienation…”. These experiences I suppose could be painful and hurtful, however, as you are still here, they perhaps allowed for education, knowledge and growth that you can discuss.
Perhaps another essay could give more details of the world events that were mentioned.
The essay was well written; simple and direct as mentioned, however, words used, grammar and sentence structure could be improved somewhat.
Zhanna,
I enjoyed reading your essay. As an immigrant myself, I can relate to a lot of your anxieties and concerns. Back home, America is what we see on TV, but once we get here we realize it is nothing but a rat race– with of course patches of amazing times now and then. It must have been very hard to go through something as critical as your surgery and not having any of your relatives around. I can only imagine recounting it must have been equally hard.
So, as far as your writing is concerned, I like how direct and simple you manage to keep your approach. If your choice of words are simple, I believe your sentences are a little complex and “cluttered.” I often lose track of what you are trying to say because you try to convey so much information in just one sentence. Perhaps, you can pick the longer sentences in your essay and try dissecting them into smaller sentences. For example, this particular sentence:
“I say “survival” because of many well-known things common to every immigrant, starting with difficulties finding a (decent) job and ending with psychological disorders that can happen to an individual who have been experiencing cultural shock and alienation.”
You can either break that down or use the help of another punctuation other than comma (,) after “immigrant.” The second paragraph is another example that falls prey to the same vice. You are trying to introduce so many things at the same time. It is hard to gauge what really is the focus of that sentence. I understand this is an exposition to the the health care system that you are trying to tie in with the paragraphs preceding and following it, but the attempt seems rather abrupt and disjoint from its immediate paragraphs.
Although I agree that your words are simple, but they may not be the correct choice regarding a feeling or an emotion you are trying to express. For example, “guess” in the first paragraph. I believe it is not common among would-be immigrants to consciously and actively “guess” the difficulties of living abroad, but they definitely do have “ideas” about them.
At first I was a little disappointed with the bland listing of the world events concurrent to your experience, but in the next paragraph I liked how to filtered the rest and focused on one that shared an essence with your condition and experience. So I really liked that part.
Overall, I get the sense that you are trying to revisit a particular moment in your life which has defined your experience of being in a new place the best– particularly a place which in idea, and for those who are distant, is nothing less than a heaven. You realized what it REALLY meant to not be at your home, and how more alienating a foreign place could become when you are faced with a plight such as yours. I think a lot of students and public in general will be able to relate to your essay. New York city does not only attract immigrants but young kids from different and remote parts of the US itself. For a lot of these people, your experience will have some resonance and the difference would be only a matte of degree. So it is an essay that needs to be written and I really enjoyed it.
Just a small note in the passing. I think to any kind of writing ventures, the title is sometimes the only factor deciding whether to read a particular piece or just move on to the next. Although I admire the originality of your topic, I think it could be much better. Unless you are aware of the effects you are trying to evoke by “titling” yours as you have, I think it is really important to know if the title does justice to your body or would it, on a superficial level, attract readers.
Hello Zhanna,
Your essay is heartrending!
It made me immediately think of my friends from Estonia, Ukraine, and the Balkans.
“That evening I felt pain in my chest and a shortness of breath. I decided to sit down and relax, but it did not get any better, so was taken to a hospital. I was diagnosed with a spontaneous pneumothorax (lung collapse) and went through two surgeries. The doctor said later if I waited for twenty more minutes before going to the ER, I could have died” (Zahnna)
This is an effective place to begin the essay. Naturally, because many readers are compelled to learn from this story.
How does your title connect to the societal examples?
“The same scenario happened with me: sooner or later the collapse should have happened, simply because my lungs are my Achilles heel. It is good that the surgery happened now and not later, because the older you get, the more complications a surgery can bring; same with Bin Laden: he could have killed more people, but he was caught before he caused any more harm.” (Zahnna) This concept can be managed more sharply throughout this essay.
Ira Glass on Story Telling: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loxJ3FtCJJA; we watched this during our first class session. Ira Glass’s instructions are extremely helpful and perhaps you might also benefit from the link.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Jay
Zhanna,
I liked your essay; the topic and comparisons caught my interest.
I liked the statement written: “never put frames on your writing…and it will flow…”
However, do the “most painful moments make the best pieces of art?”
Perhaps a future essay could discuss‚ your “cloudless and worriless existence back home and challenging survival”, “difficulty finding a job…”, as well as “cultural shock and alienation…”. These experiences I suppose could be painful and hurtful, however, as you are still here, they perhaps allowed for education, knowledge and growth that you can discuss.
Perhaps another essay could give more details of the world events that were mentioned.
The essay was well written; simple and direct as mentioned, however, words used, grammar and sentence structure could be improved somewhat.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Michelle