- Check your voice. At times, you’re too willy-nilly with your voice and need to make sure you’re communicating professionally- I fixed that up, in the beginning I communicated the feeling of ASMR in a more professional manner (which is what I saw through the annotations you provided where I was using my voice “willy-nilly”).
- Be more specific with your research use. You’re not always using useful research here and are often connecting ideas far too disparate. The more topical, closely aligned research you need is out there- I noticed for the most part that this happened 90% of the time in the mukbang section of my paper. To be honest, I was finding it difficult writing about mukbang and that’s why I stuck so much irrelevant quotes in. I ended up just taking it out and focused on extending my ASMR portion. The parts where you found irrelevant in my ASMR portion I either removed or found a way to connect the quote and idea by combining paragraphs or creating new claims relevant to my argument for them.
- Give your concrete context for your claims. Sometimes you offer claims that require support but don’t give any- As mentioned before, I ended up taking out the mukbang section and focused on extending my ASMR portion of my paper. This allowed me to focus on new claims with full context and new evidence to support my claims and overall argument. I found that there are not a lot of scientific studies with ASMR and that when there was it wasn’t really a matter of “how much”, it was hard to find evidence where it gave me a statistic of “how much” ASMR helped someone, it just did help by lessening symptoms.
Overall notes: Taking out the mukbang section of my paper makes my paper flow a lot more and gives the reader an easier time to connect my argument to every claim I made in the paper in comparison to having 3 subsections in the paper. I removed all the parts that were “disparate” and replaced it with clear and concise ideas with evidence backing it. I also find that a problem for me is that I write the way I speak, and thus, my voice in writing is very “willy-nilly.” I’m beginning to learn where those boundaries are for my “willy-nilly” voice.