- Develop a clearer central argument- I added the claim: Two works that explain how social media and the idea of “instant connection” affects the younger generation’s mental health negatively is a television show called Gossip Girl and a song called “Young Blood” by Bea Miller. I consistently referred to this central argument throughout the paper and backed the argument with evidence upon the show and song.
- Utilize more telling examples for your anaylysis. In short, do more analyzing- I went more into depth of Gossip Girl’s motivation and vendetta. I explain the plot in detail and include more dialogue used in the scene. I then analyze the whole scene and explain the use of irony and how the whole scene was used as a message (more in depth in paper) that Gossip Girl will continue her reign after high school. I explain what that episode represents to the whole season and show. In “Young Blood” I explain some of the lyrics and analyze them. Instead of just having lyrical analysis I also analyzed the official video and how it ties to social media affecting younglings’ mental health negatively.
- Replace generalizations with clear, direct analysis of texts and offering of specific relevant context- I noticed a few of my general statements came from the fact that I had no clear central argument so after changing that, a lot of my general statements that you labeled on my draft were more specific. I ended up explaining a lot more and analyzing connecting my central argument to what I was writing which was also another problem before since I had no central argument to tie my statements to.
Final notes: Overall I looked at each of your tasks and to the best of my ability have succeeded each one. The paper definitely flows a lot better and each paragraph connects to the central argument, which I now have because of task #1. I provided much more detail to replace the generalizations and hopefully it is more clear now when reading my revised paper. I also did much more analysis and looked at the “big picture” of the scene and provided more “telling examples” in the song with the official video.