Add a couple more examples of telling details, zooming further into moments, particularly in the Black Mirror content.
I added another moment from Black Mirror into the second to last paragraph. I talked about how Cooper runs away from his problems while putting a fake image of how happy he is online. I write how he uses this image to run away from his problems and show others how perfect he is.
*I’ve also provided images on a separate document.
Give a little bit of context for the claims you make. Though it’s not a research paper, a sprinkling of facts will go a long way.
I’ve added some facts that complement my claims:
“This is evident as the Bureau of Labor and Statistics found that participating in sports, exercise, recreation only made up 6% of what Americans do during their leisure time. On one hand, the internet has connected people across the world, but on another hand, the internet has disconnected many from real experiences. “
“It’s estimated that kids and teens between the ages of 8 to 28 spend about 44.5 hours each week in front of digital screens.”
“It is estimated that 50 to 60% of people are addicted to their phones.”
I’ve also added a bit of context for My Modern Met:
““Let’s Play” was presented in Boligan’s exhibits and now circulates through My Modern Met, an online hub that promotes creativity by spotlighting work from countless artists.”
Revise your thesis and introduction to lead into a clearer argument *about the works
I revised my thesis to cater to my writing rather than making a broad claim. My new claim is much more as I developed my thesis around the two artifacts. “Both artifacts suggest the growing concern of heavy internet dependency, in the Black Mirror episode, the internet serves as a distraction from problems and in Boligan’s cartoon, internet dependency has already rooted itself at early ages.”