I used to follow the rules. I did whatever it took to be perfect, to get that “A+”, even if it drained me. This way of thinking reflected into my writing especially. I had the mentality that the only pieces worth creating had to be the best work, that they had to reach a certain standard I had created in my mind before they could be submitted. With that said I got quickly exhausted trying to keep up with myself. Writing, something I had always enjoyed, started to become a tedious, never-ending task. Starting a paper was my worst nightmare. I needed to have a strict and set plan when I started, and the pressure just piled on from there. I needed to know exactly where I was going and how the paper was going to turn out before I had even written the introduction: how often are we capable of doing so? I did this for a while, throughout high school, throughout my elongated phase of perfectionism.

Then I began to realize something.

My teacher in High School once pointed out that an essay of mine seemed too professional, too scripted. He could not hear my own voice, a voice that wasn’t afraid to speak up in person, through the text. I began to realize that I had lost my creativity, my person behind the paper, my personality, in this new and proper route of writing that I chose to follow. I had gotten good grades, so I never realized the issue. Not until someone else, someone who knew me and my strong mind, pointed it out to me did I understand where things were going wrong. And from there I felt lost.

Senior year didn’t involve many essays mostly due to the fact that I wasn’t taking a “regular” English class. It was more based on discussion, which did help my explanation and analyzation skills. But I never got to practice writing. Come first semester of college I am in a new English class and our professor jumped right into things. We have a lot to write about in little time, and considering I hadn’t written anything academic in a while, I struggled. Having felt so lost in my thoughts not so long ago I had a difficult time incorporating my voice into my arguments now. I was in a transition between what seemed to me like robot and real writer. I lacked confidence and it was obvious in my final work.

The professor I had was little help. On top of not knowing who I was as an author I felt as though I had little freedom to figure it out in the first English class I was taking in college. I was too afraid to experiment because I felt the professor would not see where I was coming from so nothing really came out as I had hoped. I did find out that I wanted less guidance and more opportunity to work at my own pace on with my own ideas, though, and that’s how I came to choose a hybrid English course for my next class. That’s how I ended up here.

At first, I had worried that less guidance from a professional would serve as a detriment to my work. To my surprise, the case turned out to be the exact opposite of what my fears expected. I finally had the time and the independence I so desperately needed to find my voice. And with each new informal blog post online I completed, that voice grew louder. I could now hear myself speak openly and without the restriction of any standard. I did not find myself tripping over words or sentences or ideas as much as I had in the past. Writing came easily to me. Finally I could appreciate again this art that used to enthrall me. Finally I was happy to start an essay, happy to see where my thoughts and intellect took me. Finally I was confident.

One major help in my organizational skills were the mandatory rough drafts. In the past, drafts were usually a minor step before handing in my paper, something I briefly scanned for grammatical errors to fix and that was it. I never took drafts seriously because I felt I should be able to get my work done in one shot, in one perfect score. Maybe that was one of my biggest problems. I had to complete an entire thought process and project all at once and it always took an incredible effort. After being forced to create a rough first draft and let go of the need for perfection, I finally felt at ease enough to write what I wanted. Writing how you decide is so much better than writing how you think was decided for you. In doing this I was able to verbalize my feelings and my opinions through a sketch that eventually became what I recognized as a beautiful drawing. It got me inspired for more.

In this course of English 2150 I also was able to comprehend the value of a peer editor. I say this with caution, because I still believe the editor needs to be “on the same page” as you as a writer. But all in all if open discussions are so important, why wouldn’t it be the same with writing? Getting a second or third opinion and hearing another individual’s ideas can help you build yours, or, me build my own. Before, the importance of peer editing was never emphasized to me. Now I know how I can take advantage of it in the future and use it to grow.

If I were to sum up my experience in this English class in one sentence it would be this: the independence you are given in a hybrid class, but more specifically with you, Professor Blankenship, has allowed me to develop so extensively as a writer in such a short amount of time into someone I am really proud of. I am once again happy to hand in essays in my classes and I am eager for what will come next with my writing career. I am even interested in personal research and journalism of some sort. Maybe I will start my own real blog; who knows!
Emily Weiss

05.26.2016