Please read the sample student essay below and comment on one strong point about the essay or one point on which the writer could improve. Please be specific in regard to what you reference about the essay.
13 thoughts on “Blog Post #14: Critique of Sample Student Essay”
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When the student was trying to argue against plastic surgeries for teenagers, she made a strong point about how the body changes for women before the age of 21 where as the breast still has time to develop. The student mentioned this to point out that breast augmentation is unnecessary for the teenager and stated her source. I felt like this was important to know for the reader and can help us choose a side in whether plastic surgery is a rational decision to make for teenagers.
Stong point:
The writer made very strong emotional appeals for her arguments with the introduction of her personal experience. The essay was also formatted in an easy to follow structure.
Point for improvement:
I believe that the writer could improve on her analysis. There were a lot of points, however, each point could have been further explained. I believe that 3 strong points are better than 6 points that are explained briefly. The speaker should have also tied back her conclusion, to herself and what she has learned through maturation.
I think the writer’s strongest point was made in the counterclaim, when the overreaching idea of teenage self-esteem in connection to plastic surgeries was addressed. This was the part where I thought research was accurately and sufficiently used to support her thesis. Whereas I found the beginning of the argument section could be improved. Instead of addressing the breast augmentation research so early on, I think it could’ve led up to that since it is one of many types of plastic surgeries.
I think she made a strong point when she said, “Studies of brain development indicate that what is responsible for preventing risky behavior are not fully developed until the early to mid-20s. Allowing teenager to engage in risky behavior, develop psychotic disorders and limit their ability to make an informed decision”. She has already given a good description of the physical problems that are associated with plastic surgery in teenage years, and now she backs it up with the mental consequences as well.
I felt that her strongest point was in the counter-argument when she talks about the study of two different groups. One was patients who did plastic surgery and the other was patients who did not. She discusses how the study showed that, although people who did plastic surgery did have more self-esteem later on, the same could be said about the patients who didn’t undergo the surgery. It shows that patients just need time to develop more self-esteem so there is no need for plastic surgery. Another strong point was that she used a lot of “signpost” words in her essay to make it easier for the reader to follow along. Labeling each section also makes it easier for the reader to go back to a specific spot if need be.
I enjoy the student’s essay. It was very informative. I can relate to her personally when she was talking about how she wanted to get surgery at a young age. I always wanted to get a nose surgery when I was in middle school and throughout high school but my parents couldn’t afford it, so I never got the chance to. Her personal story was personally a strong point. It was relatable and touching. It shows credibility and that she went that to in her life. It shows her passion for this essay. She made me glad that I did not do my nose surgery at a young an age.
A point that I believe can be further developed in the essay is a brief overview of the sources that are used. In the introduction, the author referred to an article by Kari Paul and explained what Paul meant to convey with the article. However, I found myself questioning the creditability of Paul. I had to refer to the annotated bibliography to learn more about who Paul is. I understand that I could have simply turned to the annotated bibliography to learn more, but the source is used in the introduction paragraph, and I believe that giving more information will greatly increase the initial credibility of the point that is being conveyed.
If we take a look at the opening of the argument section of the paper, the source was incorporated very well. The author did not simply state who the research was done by. It included a brief background on them. I feel that it was important because it increased the credibility of the argument that the author goes on to make. If the author was consistent in doing that across the essay, it would be much more credible.
The personal anecdotes helped her argument that plastic surgery is caused by the rise of social media. I like how she provides connects the rise of instagram to a percentage increase in plastic surgery. Another strong point is that she comes out as informative while at the same time showing the reader where she clearly stands in this issue.One thing I would have loved to see in this essay is the personal anecdotes have a stronger role in the conclusion.
I think the author made many strong points in the arguments section where she used concise scientific evidence to support her claim. For example, she cited researches that shows that female body does not fully mature before the age of 21. Therefore, there are still many years left for teenagers to develop their body before they seek plastic surgery. In addition, she sourced FDA and revealed that breast augmentation for teenagers is not approved by the administration. The author also cited researchers such as Crerand and Magee who wrote that teenager’s cognitive abilities aren’t fully developed therefore would result in sometimes misleading life-changing decision. This essay contained many strong, concrete evidence to support the claim.
Something I think the essay could improve upon is the structure. I don’t think it’s necessary to include a title in every paragraph, the reader will know if the paragraph is written correctly. Also, there were many grammatical mistakes like already in the first paragraph “job nose” – probably meant nose job.
One strong point that I found while reading was that the author uses a good amount of paraphrasing and quotations. She didn’t stick to only one type while trying to cite from her sources. The Historical Background section was also another strong point I found while reading the paper. She effectively talks about what plastic surgery is and how it is rising in popularity with teens. For example, she talked about how plastic surgery is rising in popularity in the U.S. This helps make her topic sound more relevant. This section overall gave me a better understanding on what she is going to be arguing about.
I felt that the essay was written very well overall. There was a really creative and relatable hook in the introduction and the historical background was in depth enough to fully explain the history and background of plastic surgery. At the end of it, it wrapped it back to the present and flowed to her arguments right after. The writer also did a great job presenting a counter argument and refuting it. Lastly, the conclusion was well written as it ties back to the story mentioned at the introduction and leaves us off with a good lesson.
However, in my opinion, I felt that her body was a little weak. There wasn’t a concise and elaborated argument. It felt like a bunch of little arguments but none were in depth enough.
One strong point was her relating it to herself and her own experience with body issues. I found it lent to ethos of her argument as she was speaking from her own dealings with body dysmorphia.
One thing to be improved upon was some of her grammar and word choice. There was one instance where the author uses “steam” instead of “esteem”, and it made her argument lose steam as a result. It made me question her credibility.
A strong point throughout this essay was how she spoke about and related to the social media world and how they influence many people. As well as her historical background being strong.
Something she can improve on is to explain better. The example’s she states are good but she needs to further analyze.