Author Archives: lingyu.rui

A giant window, sometimes rainy and sometimes sunshine.  Whenever I feel tired, depressed, or pissed off, I come to this giant window and throw myself into the chair.  Close my eyes and think for nothing.  The little relax room on the 8th floor did is my favorite place to relax in the school.  I’d love to take a short nap before my math class so I can be energized after a hard working morning.  I would like to go to 8th floor alone rather than stick with my friends.  I’d love to ask my brain stop functioning for half an hour and just look outside the window.  No specific aims, but anything.  Sky, birds, roads, people.  It calmed me down whenever I need a little rest after a stressing week.  So, 8th floor.  Come whenever you need a place to belong.

I have never thought that library would be my second home.  But to tell the truth, I did spend almost the same amount of time in the library and the VC building.  Usually, we love to book a study room and do homework by ourselves.  One of the best experiences ever, nine of our LC04 girls went to library study room for two nights and studied Anthropology, and it turned out that we got the highest scores in our most hated class, Anthropology.  I love to stay in the library because it helps me to concentrate better.  I usually cannot concentrate on my work at home and all I want to do is to relax on my bed.  After all, I love Baruch library.

This Monday we went to the mandatory workshop for Freshman registration.  Fortunately I went to the workshop one day ahead before I have to register for my class.  The workshop was very helpful on suggesting me which classes I should take as priorities and which ones I may counsider taking them a little later.  The workshop provided useful infomations such as I know as a BA I should take two semesters of language.  Thanks to the workshop, I went to the math department to get my permission for registration before my registration date! XD.  The registration went on so successfully yesterday due to the workshop.  After all, I think the workshop was great and hope to have more workshops like that in the future! 🙂

I wrote my own monologue last Monday morning on the train before I got the assignment.  It may off-topic a little bit, but that is all I want to say.

Sometimes I do think I am alone.  And I hate being lonely.  This may sounds a little stagy, I always tend to be a little more emotional than I usually am in all the Monday mornings when the sky is still dark like nights and I am alone by myself.

About two years ago I figured out my own way to relieve stress.  walk.  Just walk, with my make-ups on and with my high heels.  With my headphones and with my camera.  With nobody, but myself.  I can walk by myself for eight hours with nearly no rest.  And then I can repack up my confidence and my broken heart, start a brand new day once again.

So there was one day, I walked in the city again, I mistakenly went into a dead end, when I turned back, there was a sign said, one way.  Black background, white fonts.  I walked out to the cross again and I saw different people: two Caucasian girls on their way back to home, a couple of Korean brought their kid in the carriage.  Some African American guys were carrying their basketball to the playground, and across the street, there is a Spanish Cafe and a Chinese restaurant.  all of a sudden, I started to wonder who I am, what am I doing here.  And so, and so.

Four years ago, my parents brought me here without any notification.  I thought my life would be ruined since I would no longer be able to hang out with my friends in my hometown.  But now, I am still fine and I have friends.

I think I am a walking contradiction.

Because whenever I see the sceneries changing outside of the window, I promise myself that one day I will leave and travel, to Paris, to Provence, to Berlin, to Tokyo.  All I need is my passport and my camera, I will walk over the world by myself.  I know this is unrealistic.

But sometimes I am a coward, because that’s all the reason for me to stay.  I am that kind of person that always keep every old memories in mind.  That was the reason why I rather stay in China than to come to a foreign country.

So, I chose to stay, in this cold city where I can still find people who I loved and people who loved me.  Maybe I am not lonely as I thought I am.

There is a song from Karen Ann, I love it:

I always try to not remember rather than forget, this is why I always whisper, when pagabonds are passing by, I’d like to hear but not to listen, like to say but not to tell.  This is why I always wonder, there’s nothing new under the sun, I’d like to hear but not to listen, like to say but not to tell.  I tend to keep myself away from their goodbyes.

Tide will rise and fall along the bay, and I’m not going anywhere, I am not going anywhere.

People come and go and walk away, but I’m not going anywhere, I am not going anywhere.

Umm.  Who I think I am?  My name is Lingyu Rui, you may know me as Lillian, I am…

I am a very outgoing Chinese girl, even though I used to take many deep breathes before I tried to talk with others.  I hate to be lonely but sometimes I need to stay by myself.  I am usually amiable but sometimes I can be very stubborn… I love life and I believe the width of life is much more important than the length of it…I, am who I am.  I am not beautiful, I am a little overweight, yet I don’t want to diet, I still love myself.

During these two months, I met many great friends in my life.  These friends include my classmates in this learning community, and also many juniors and seniors from the club.  My first concern as a freshman is to maintain a high GPA.  Since I was accepted by Baruch as a dean’s scholar, a 3.25+ GPA is mandatory for my registration privilege and my scholarship.  Secondly, I want to pass my first Actuarial Science Exam- P- Exam by the spring of next year.  Therefore I have to put much more efforts on my math class and study more outside of the school.  Finally, I want to be involved into school events, I want to participate in these activities as many as possible.  However, I need to spend more time on study than participating in clubs.

Studying in Baruch College really changed me a lot.  Basically my personality is totally changed since high school.  I used to be shy and timid, but now I am outgoing and more insane… I tried to be who I am regardless of my poor English speaking skill, I tried to be who I am even though the language issue may sometimes make me feel inferior and helpless.

I hope I can be stronger in this year.  I hope every effort I put on in this year would be paid off someday.  I don’t want to lock myself in my comfort zone anymore.  I want to see the world and I want to say and talk.  I want to hear and listen.  I hope I can be who I am after the training of this first year experience in Baruch College.