Mari’s Monologue

As I’m writing this, I’m thinking that I have three options: Write a generic monologue about college life, post it on the blog, then make up a disease, say I have it and not show up to class, two: when it’s my turn for a presentation collapse on the floor and stay there until everyone gets annoyed and leaves me alone to wallow in my awkwardness, or to suck it up and just speak. If I’m presenting this in front of the class now, then I’m imagining you all in tighty whiteys, as suggested by a friend to make me less nervous. I hope its working.

Meeting all these new people and having to speak in front of them is terrifying for me. I always feel like there is a leaf in my hair or toothpaste on my forehead. Whenever I’m put in a situation where I have to talk to people for the first time, I act like everything is going well but somehow my voice manages to imitate Morgan Freeman or my brain decides its irrelevant response time. Last week, a waiter brought me food and told me to enjoy my food, I couldn’t think of anything because saying you too would not make sense so I said “Happy Birthday”.

I haven’t had a conversation with most of you, and It’s not because I don’t like you I actually think most of you are pretty awesome. I just try to avoid awkward encounters with strangers that will make them want to stay away from me; I’d rather be the quiet or the anti social one then the one who compliments people on their knuckles, because there is nothing else to talk about. Sometimes, when I’m around a person and having a nice, civilized conversation I start to feel that my hands exist, they’re just hanging there doing nothing, and as soon as I start thinking about it, I don’t know what to do other than keep shifting uncomfortably until all my attention is on the position of my hands and I’ve forgotten that there is a conversation that I’m currently taking a part in.

Since I started college, I’ve noticed, that though there are many different people here, most of them are conventional with the way they behave. They know how to keep the conversation flowing, and that’s a skill I’d love to master because anyone who has talked to me before knows that, the first topic that pops into my mind if I’m bored with the direction of the conversation is prostitution, which usually catches them off guard.

It would be so much easier to just be a cat; I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this: College, failure, being late to class or making friends. I’d just sit on a pillow and judge others. But I’m not a cat and in order to succeed in life, I have to learn how to interact with people; I’m hoping joining as many clubs as possible will help me make friends and develop my social skills, throughout my college years.

This is a drawing I found online, that shows how nice it would be to be a cat.