I have multiple personalities, or maybe multiple sexualities. Sometimes, I’m a lady-like person; and sometimes, I become like a man. It’s actually conflict I have in every day. In my closet, I have one section of girlish clothing and another section with full of clothes that my brother would prefer. On my table, there are collections of nail polishes, make-up tools, and perfumes; and on my hanger, there are collections of snapbacks and Newera hats. I love to watch romantic movies and I love to watch baseball game. I love to cook and bake while listening to aggressive songs. People who don’t know me well sometimes surprised by the variation I have in each day. Someone even couldn’t recognize me oneday because I had very distinct outfit from another day.
I wasn’t like this when I was in younger age. I was still a naughty girl and had a big mouth but I loved that most of other girls loved. Actually, I pretended to be like that. Maybe, back then, I did not know what I actually like so I just followed other girls, thinking that is how normal teenage girl should be. I loved to listen to hip-hop music but I pretended not since I did not want to be different from other girls. I couldn’t even tell my friends because if I do, they would have said I have bad taste and they really did when I told them I love watching baseball game. Well, I think I hid my true self to not to be like the ugly duckling. Yet, it changed when I finally realized that there is nothing categorized as boys should like and girls should like. I like what I like and I am who I am. There was nothing to be embarrassed about myself. I, maybe, was an ugly duckling within my friends, but because I was a mutant, I had my chance to become a swan.
However, there is a problem. There is nothing bad about wearing men’s clothes and watching baseball games, but it becomes a problem when I have two distinct lives. If I like only men’s things, it is all fine and I can define my type. But, I also like girlish things. Whenever I go shopping, I have a conflict whether to buy a skirt or a hoodie; a hairband or a snapback; a heel or sneakers. I want both but there is a limit I can spend. Not only that, I have a confusion of myself. One day, I ask myself if lady-like Eunji is not real I and that is a fake-image that i want to show to others. Or, is lady-like Eunji is true Eunji and i am just being boyish so I look special? After trying to figure out my true personality, I finally realized that girlish or boyish is what the world has defined. I do not belong to any of those but I belong to Eunji Kim.
