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First year of college and I feel like I’m already behind. Sitting here writing my monologue and realizing it’s late. It’s past midnight and my eyes are heavy. Prioritizing time is not easy and it’s something I will eventually learn as the days go by. But for right now, I’m sort of still in summer mode. Leaving things to the last minute and just not worrying about the consequences. The past couple of weeks have been a lot better than the first month of college. Wake up Monday morning. Go to class. Do some homework in the library. Go to my game, get home late. Finish up what I have left of my homework. Go to sleep. Wake up for 8am class. Get out of class and rush to work. Get off work and rush home to finish readings, quizzes, and precal homework. Go to sleep. Wake up for class, go to the library to do homework. Go pick up mom. Sleep. Wake up, go to class. Leave class and go to work. Finally Friday. Wake up, go to the library to do homework. Go to work. Relax at home. Sleep till noon. Go to practice. Go home and chill for the rest of the day. Sunday arrives and the cramming of homework begins. It’s Monday all over again. RINSE AND REPEAT. There are days where I just want to sleep for a couple days. Maybe hibernate and join the bears in the cave. But I know I just have to keep on moving because you never know when the sun will shine. 

Life

People always tell me (and I try to tell myself) to stop worrying about the future and focus on the present. But how can I not worry about the future when what I do or do not do in the present directly influences what I will be doing in the future? I go to school because I want to get an education. I want to get an education because I want a well-paying career. I want a well-paying career because I want to live comfortably and support my future wife and kids. I think. Do I even want kids?

So where does it all end? Did my parents send me to school in kindergarten with the notion in mind that I must get an education in order to get a good job? Is this my purpose in living life? To make money? It would be practical yet ludicrous to think that I, another insignificant human being on the face of what seems like a never-ending vast of space, have a greater purpose. I, just like everyone else in the world, am trying to live life. To survive. But what is the meaning of survival? According to dictionary.com, survival is a person or thing that survives or endures. So isn’t everyone surviving? What differentiates me from the homeless guy with the sign asking for change on the street? Aren’t we both surviving?

Sometimes I wish I was born in a different time period. A period of time when there was no currency. A period of time where there were no materialistic values. A society where each individual fights for his or her own survival with no means of competition.

Well, got to get to sleep now. Early classes tomorrow.

Who am I exactly? What am I to you? What do you see in me? Do you see me as more than just a friend? Do you ever see pass my face and appearances? Do you ever think about how I feel? Yeah, we talk and all but I don’t feel like you’ve learned much about me. We have been together for almost a year already, not that I keep count or anything. Do you ever think about what you say before you actually say something? Do you know that your words cut deeply into my head and stay embedded there for a long time? Why do I even bother trying? I’ve been trying for the past year already. I hate being the only one trying. Where is your effort? I doubt myself at times, but I push those thoughts away because I trust you and believe in you. But what do I get? In the end, all I have left is myself. Is there no one out there that I can trust anymore? Is there no one out there that isn’t shallow and materialistic anymore? You tell me, “I can’t only like a person because of their personality, they need to have something to attract me.”  First of all, since when did I ever look bad?  Okay maybe I am a bit underweight but that doesn’t give you the right to change me as a person. I don’t want to hear from you telling me to gain weight, get bigger, and what clothes to wear. I am not your barbie doll. I do not want to hear from you telling me a time schedule of when I can speak with you, I am not your employee. I am your boyfriend and if I am not going to be treated like one then you will end up not having one. I have learned to look past all these flaws and love you for who you are, but yet you cannot do the same for me. I guess you weren’t the one.

Every now and then while walking to the train I see a homeless person. When taking the train to school I see another homeless person. When I get out of the subway and go to get a newspaper, I see another homeless person. Often times in life, people complain about the little things such as not getting the newest iphone or  laptop. However we fail to realize just how lucky we are to have basic necessities such as a house with food and clean water. As a young kid, when I first saw a homeless person I wondered where do they go? The truth was that they didn’t have anywhere to go. They just sit there and watch. They watch as everyone else goes home while they wonder around in the streets. Here we live in the one of the most technologically advanced cities in the world but yet it sometimes seems like people live in a third-world country. Every time I see a homeless person I count my blessings and I’m thankful for what I have.

 

 

Time to write this monologue. I have an idea, I’ll just step out for a cigarette so I can focus when I come back. Here I go again. Feeding the addiction. Why do I do it? I ask myself that question everyday as I light up a cigarette and inhale that nicotine. The calming feeling rushes over me, I am relaxed, I am focused, I am in control, but most importantly I don’t have the hunger, at least not for another hour or two. Of course I’m killing my body, you think I don’t know that? Is it normal to be winded from running or the stairs or to cough like an old man? Of course not. So why do it? Why not quit? Why not quit? Why not quit? As the question repeats in my head I scramble to find an answer. I can’t find an answer, I can only come up with excuses. Is this all I can do, provide myself with excuses? Am I that weak that I can’t even kick an addiction? And to what? A bunch of tobacco leaves! No, that’s it, I’m done with this! If I can’t man up and kick an addiction what does that say about me? That’s it, I have decided, I am quitting! And this time, this time I’m serious. I know I have said that before but this time is different, I know it is, I have a good feeling about this. Then again, I should finish this last pack, it was expensive. Plus I don’t want cigarettes around after I quit. Yeah, finish this pack and then I’m done. No more cigarettes. Yeah that sounds good. I’ll just go have a cigarette and think about how good it will feel when I quit. I’m definitely quitting, I say it out loud just to hear it, then follow that by placing the cigarette to my lips and inhaling. I feel the smoke run through my lungs. As I exhale I say it again. I’m definitely quitting.

 

It’s only been a little bit over a month since college started. I’m tired. For god’s sake… where are my freedom that I was promised to. Sleep, school, work, homework, repeat. Absolutely no time to have fun, this wasn’t what I was promised to. Everyday, I face the same people, hear the same voices, do the same routine, I’m tired. This is not even going to be a monologue, I’m going to make this my personal rant. Deal with it. Waking up in the morning after getting less than 4 hours of sleep is great. Run out of the house without eating breakfast, rushing to the subway while all the people in the street just blocks in front of you, walking at the speed of .00002 miles/hour,  suddenly stoping, looking around, checking time. Can you please get the hell out of my way? Subways are even worse, people are monkeys. If you can’t fit, then please either lose some damn weight or get out, don’t go pushing me to squeeze into that tiny space and blocks the doors from closing ten thousand times. 45 minutes of commute. 45 minutes of boredom. 45 minutes of stinking armpits. These people don’t shower I swear. Making the class 2 minutes before hitting lateness is pretty normal to me now. I know it’s my fault for not getting up early but blaming on other people makes me feel great. So yea, its their fault for not moving out of my way. I sometimes think I just dislike human, puny little human, so powerless, so weak!! I’m running out of stuff to say, apparantly everyone in my class typed like 400 words. How’s that possible? Well, I’m at 275 words now, so I guess it won’t be long, I just got to fill up the rest 125 words with random thoughts. Or I can keep counting words, that works right? I’m suppose to present this tomorrow, what a pain. Anyway, this monologue is due in like 18 minutes, I still have tons of homework left. I guess I’ll write another paragraph and summarize this pretty pointless rant of mine.

Since I said so many bad things about college, I figure I say something good too, I mean, the schedules are nice, 4 days a week, 2 days of each class a week, compare to high school, this shit’s great. I don’t have to face the exact same faces everyday, and what’s even better is I don’t have assignments from a class due the next day. Oh by the way, I miss those student metro cards, it’s one of those things you start to appreciate when it’s gone. Anyway, maybe I’ll fix up this essay later, 440 words! Objective reached.

 

ALL of you have experienced the feelings of being angry, pissed off, sad, upset, frustrated, pumped up, ridiculously happy. Remember that time that you broke up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, and didn’t wanna talk to anyone about it? Or when your parents pissed you off and you locked yourself in the room? Or what about that three mile run, when you needed some motivation to bang out that last mile? Or the locker room, suiting up for the football game under Friday night lights? Or before a fight, and you needed to get into beast mode, ready to kill the kid that disrespected or threatened your friends and family. I remember each of these moments, and the only thing that was there to comfort me, the only thing that will always be able to alter my mood on command, is the power of music.

 

You ALL know how it feels hearing a certain song and entering your own world, where the sounds of music take control of your mind, change your thoughts, and force your body to move to the rhythm. The vocals that start the song off go along so perfectly with the intro beat it sends chills down your spine, your hair stands on end, and all you can think about is how amazing everything sounds all together. The beat picks up, and you start tapping your right foot a little, maybe nodding your head a little. SHIT the beat is building up; you think to yourself…you know what’s coming in the next 20 seconds. The beat is speeding up, the vocals are getting louder, and your heart starts racing faster, now your hands start moving a little, maybe just side to side in front of you a little. Your shoulders start to sway, hips start moving a little. Ten seconds pass by, and every limb of your body starts to move, more and more, as the beat builds. Everyone around you is moving in the same way, the room is dark but you can feel the energy. Standing right next to the giant speakers, the bass merges with your heartbeat, and you think of nothing other than what is going in and out of your ears. You close your eyes as the beat is about to drop, body completely in sync with the backbeat as the vocals fade a little, the main beat pauses for a split second…your body stops moving along with everyone elses, every pair of hands suspended above their heads for that short second…the crowd is quiet and still. Then the beat drops, every body around you is jumping, hands in the air, screaming at the top of their lungs. All you can focus on is the beat, you have no idea how your body is moving to it but all you know is that it sounds amazing, and you don’t want it to end. The music has complete control over you by now, completely control of your thoughts. That bad test grade you got? Forgotten. The dumb bitch that spilled your coffee? Forgiven. NOTHING can bring down your mood, the music is uplifting, empowering, boosting your confidence and making you one hundred percent happy. When you have no where else to turn to, look to music, it will never disappoint you.

 

Continue reading “Monologue (Christine Shin)”

You again, yeah you, yeah I see you. Year after year, you just wouldn’t give up will you? No matter what I say, here you are smiling mockingly at me. I mean really, I clearly stated to you  that I hate you. Twice, TWICE I told you, in Pre-cal and in trigonometry class. Yet here you are, in college with me. How do you have the audacity to appear in front of me like this?  I honesty believe your sole purpose to annoy the fuck out of me because not only do we have to be together, we are basically stuck together for the what, next three or four years? I don’t appreciate this at all, but hey I tried to understand you in the past. But time after time when I finally got understand you, you decided to take things to a whole new level leaving me eating dust. Hopefully, I have matured enough to even withstand you for the coming years. Have I ever tell you that your teases frustrate the heck out of me?  There are times where I have to ask people to help me to even understand you and that is not cute. I mean come on, I am Chinese, I should be into this stuff. People said that I will be using you for everyday of my entire life, but I don’t see it happening, besides using you to count my money on a daily basis that is it. Yup and yes sireie it is you Math. Math this and math that. Math, math, math. I hate you math. I mean, do you ever stop to think that majority of the stuff that you made me learn will never ever come in to use? Math on Trigonometry, do I look like a type of girl that in to that stuff? Hold up, let me calculate the shadow length of this lamppost in comparison to the length during night time. Bitch, I’ll get robbed just standing here like an idiot. God, I hate how if I forget a single negative sign the next i’ll notice is that 5 points off from my exam. I hate how I understand everything in class and then become a lost  soul at home when doing homework. There is a lot of thing that I despise about you but I got to grow up and get over it, suck it up and man up. This is a stupid first world problem, while kids are dying to learn I am here resenting you. Education is free yet here I am taking advantage of you. A girl got shot in the head because she stood up for her right of entitlement to education, and here I am ripping you apart because you didn’t go my way. “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”(Maya Angelo) Guess, I am really stuck with you for life. Even though I don’t like you, I guess I should be getting use to you, for the sake of my future. See you later alligator, in math.

Life passes us by two fast and that’s the problem, were always too caught up on what we’re going to do next or tomorrow that we forget about today. Who cares what you’re doing later, you’re living in the present. It’s one of the best things, being able to live in the moment and not having any worries, but it’s something everyone forgets to do. Can you remember the last time you just forget about everything and just had fun? With school, work, monologues, papers, midterms, finals there’s no time to just forget and live. The last time I just forgot and had a good time was probably prom or my birthday, both nights spent with people I won’t forget and gave me memories that are worth so much to me.

You might say oh I go out every weekend and live in the moment…No I don’t mean getting drunk and not remembering your night. I mean going out and making memories with those closest to you that you’re going to look back on years from now and be like “What a great night” or sit around and laugh about it with those you’ve made the memories with. Some memories you may not wish to reminisce on but you must never forget even bad memories have meaning or lessons that you will one day look back on and realize that you were glad you took time to make them. The next time you have the chance to just let go and forget about thinking what am I doing next or tomorrow, just live in the moment weather it’s for 20 minutes or a whole night. I promise it’s something you won’t regret. 50 years down the road I hope to be sitting with my friends and knowing I lived the life I wanted to and didn’t let life pass me by. Don’t you want that? I’ve lost people close to me but there’s one thing that will always stay with me, the memories we made together won’t ever fade. That’s one thing everyone should know, tomorrow is never guaranteed so make the most of today and worry about tomorrow….tomorrow.