Antsy. Restless. Anxious. That’s how I would describe my past few weeks at Baruch. See, the thing about me is that I’m not a creature of habit but change make me nervous. A little change is fine. Rotation. Rotation is fine. But these past few weeks have almost felt routine. Rehearsed. Like I’m putting on the same smile every single day and seeing the same faces everyday. Now, don’t get me wrong. I like the faces I’m seeing everyday but I have problems with routine and permanency. I get bored easily. And if I get bored I become antsy.
For the past few weeks I’ve felt it. It’s been there rumbling under my skin, the anxiety, the nervousness, the everything. It makes me want to do something different. Last year I felt it too, the day of graduation no less. However, I think that was me getting antsy over the fact that everything was going to change. I had gotten too used to a routine. So, on graduation day I chopped off four inches of my hair. Just like that. Went to the bathroom with the intention of putting the finishing touches on my hair and came out with clumps of hair in my hands to a hysterical mother and cousin. It didn’t stop there. Almost every week of that summer I cut off a bit of my hair. I always wondered why. Like, I get it, you know, I was nervous about change and not seeing people I had grown accustomed to. I finally figured out that somehow subconsciously I thought, much like a petulant child, that if everyone was going to change then so would I.
That brings me to today. I’ve been feeling restless like something has to happen before all of this becomes too routine, too familiar. And so, I shaved my head. Now, if you had asked me before the haircut why I wanted to shave my head I would have told you it was because I like side cuts, they’re cute, Cher Lloyd has one, etc. and the worst part is that I believed that wholeheartedly. But now, reflecting on myself, it wasn’t because of Cher or any of those other reasons. It was because I was going insane with the routine, with the familiar faces, with getting attached. It was because I though “well if I can’t change anything around me then I may as well change myself”. It’s really unsurprising how stupid I am sometimes and it’s even more incredible how my train of thought works but alas here I am with a portion of my head shaved off. But you know what, I’m happy. I’m happy and I don’t regret it and I don’t think I ever will. But, I do worry about myself with the next few coming weeks and how I’ll adjust to change once the semester’s over. Here’s to another haircut!
